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Stepmom refuses to let 16 yo stepkid live with her, welcomes younger stepkid. AITA? UPDATED 5X.

Stepmom refuses to let 16 yo stepkid live with her, welcomes younger stepkid. AITA? UPDATED 5X.


When this woman is upset with her older stepdaughter, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for refusing to let my older stepdaughter live with us?"

I (28f) have been married to my husband, (42m) for 2 years, together for 4. He has 3 children from a previous marriage, Lucas (18m), Lily (16f) and Kayla (13f). While I do not dislike children, I don't want children of my own, and I made this very clear to him when we dated.

This wasn't an issue because he only got his children for a weekend a month, because they live far away from us. I made it very clear that I didn't want to take care of his children, apart from the occasional weekend.

For the past 4 years I have tried my best to be a good stepmother, and have built a good relationship with my stepson Lucas and stepdaughter Kayla, but I am unable to build a relationship with Lily. I've tried to take her out for girls days, shopping sprees and fun outings.

She either refuses to go or complains the whole time. The last straw was when I got her something from her wishlist last Christmas ( a bracelet that she wanted), and she threw it away, saying that I got her the wrong one and I was too poor to understand the difference.

She then accused me of only marrying her father for his money. I usually don't let her comments get to me, but this was the last straw. After this I stopped trying to interact with her and maintained my distance.

The truth is I didn't marry my husband for his money. We both work in high paying tech jobs but I inherited a lot from my parents. I even agreed to pay for part of Lucas' tuition.

Anyways, Lily and Kayla want to move to a better school the next school year. The school is closer to our home than their mother's so my husband said that they should live with us.

I don't mind living with Kayla, but I don't want to be around Lily. My husband goes to work 4 days a week while I work from home so I'll constantly have to be around Lily and I refuse to do that. I don't mind being around Kayla, but not Lily. I told my husband all this and he called me an ah, and we've been fighting ever since.

He says i need to step up as a stepmother and I cant let a teenager hurt me. Lily has been in tears, saying it's not fair that I want Kayla but not her, and her mother is on her side. So am i the asshole?

Then, OP offers 4 juicy updates.

UPDATE 1: My husband led me to believe that he never wanted full custody of them, and if anything were to happen to their mother their aunt would get custody. He has never been close to his children and has said he regrets having them. On the weekends they were with us I spent more time with them.

His reaction has me blindsided. I have suggested therapy and family therapy but my husband is very against therapy, so that is not an option. I have asked husband to talk to Lily but he doesn't want to get involved.

If her behaviour changes, even a little, I have no problem letting her live with us, but the fact that husband and his ex refuse to talk to her about her behaviour and the fact that i need to be around her all day is terrifying to me. Both of us come from a culture where it's normal to marry a man older and better settled, so our age gap didn't come as a shock to anyone. At the time of his first marriage he was 23 while his ex was 18.

UPDATE 2: My husband leaves for work at 8 am and comes home at 8pm. The kids are in school from 8 am to 2 pm, so i have to parent them alone from 3ish to 8 and that is not something I want to do. When we got married I said I wouldn't take on any parenting responsibilities and I stand by it. He refuses to work from home like me or get home sooner.

UPDATE 3: I didn't tell Lily or Kayla any of this. I told my husband who told his ex who told the kids. This was meant to be an adult conversation. I know how this information could hurt Lily.

UPDATE 4: For people saying i shouldn't have married a man with kids, i was led to believe by my family that he was the best I would get due to my age. Most women in my community are married by 21.

We got to know each other and I fell in love with him, and he assured me he would support my career and i wouldn't have to take the typical role of a mother. I knew that if i didn't get married soon my family would isolate me. I was coerced by my family and lied to by my husband.

UPDATE 5: In my culture, and actually most cultured outside maybe the US and some European countries, children or teenagers don't get to say whatever they want because they're hormonal or whatever.

In my culture men having multiple wives is common, men marrying young women are common, men marrying women their daughters age is also common. Most children my kids age have multiple mothers, and they know they must be respected.

Let's see what readers thought.

mysteriouspea writes:

NTA. You made your position known and your husband is attempting to strong-arm you and override it, in your shared home. You might consider taking some of your hard-earned money and renting an apartment to work from and live in, not out of anger or revenge, but out of practicality.

functionaggressive writes:

ESH. You were clear from the get-go. He should have known that this would be a problem IMO, and reading the comments, your husband sucks for letting this go so far and not parent his daughter. It is ok if she doesn't want to have a close relationship with you, but it is certainly not ok to disrespect you.

You suck too. I would get it if you insisted on your first agreement, where you had made it clear that you didn't want to take care of his children, but you can't seriously ask him to make such a discrimination between his kids.

He just can't let one of his kids live with you and refuse the same to the other kid, just because it would be convenient to you. They are both his children, it would be unfair and eventually strain their relationship. Either you take both kids, or none.

bigradish1673 writes:

YTA, if you don't want kids you shouldn't have married a man with kids. You're asking your husband to choose between his children someone he's known a few years. If he is a good man at all, he would choose the kids every single time.

It doesn't sound like you're trying to understand the 16 year olds problem with you at all. She sees you as a threat who has come to take her dad, combine that with your dislike of kids that she will be picking up on.

The youngest isn't even 2 years old yet so she probably sees you as the one who broke her family up whether that is true or not. If you refuse to let her move in you will ruin her relationship with her father, he will resent you forever and she will never find herself liking you.

Looks like the jury's out on this one. What do YOU think?

Sources: Reddit
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