'AITA for leaving after my mom kept joking about me being her 'practice kid'?' UPDATED

"AITA for leaving after my mom kept joking about my childhood and calling me her 'practice kid'?"

My (19m) parents had me young and on accident. My childhood was nothing but money troubles and listening to my parents scream at each other. Things only got better when my mom left my dad and started seeing my stepdad. He brought financial stability and is more of a father to me than my bio dad ever was. They have a daughter together, my sister Melody.

I’m not blind, I know they shower her with attention and buy her everything they can because I had nothing when I was her age. When I was younger, it frustrated me to see her loved in a way I never was, but now I know that my mom did her best with the experience and resources she had. It’s just bad luck that it worked out the way it did.

With that context out of the way, Melody recently turned 4 and my parents went all out. They invited not only all the family in the area, but also some of Melody’s friends from daycare and their parents. Once my mom and the other moms had a few drinks each, they started gossiping.

The conversation, which I was not part of but was listening to because I was bored watching the kids, turned to sharing stories about their kids. My mom, instead of sharing cute stories about Melody, decided to tell a group of random moms about the time I tried to make my parents stop fighting by collecting change lying around the house and giving it to them (I was 7).

She was laughing the whole time and ended the story with “Ah the things you learn with the oldest, practice kids am I right? (Stepdad’s name) and I never fight in front of Melody, I think that’s why she’s so much easier than (my name).”

That story is a painful memory for me, so I was hurt that she thought it was so hilarious, but I didn’t say anything and tried to brush it off. The moms started talking about kindergarten because a few of them have kids who will be starting in the fall.

My mom, who by then was sh#$faced, decided that it would be a great idea to share the story of how she karened the school into letting me do gym class in my winter boots because that was the one pair of shoes I had. Again, she told the whole story with a grin on her face and laughing.

The last thing she said made almost blow up; “Thank goodness Melody can have all the shoes she wants, though with how much s#$t (my name) pulled at that age maybe it was best I didn’t waste money on the practice kid.” I texted my mom “I’m glad you find how poor and miserable we were so funny, but it really upsets me how you clearly think of me as practice for Mel.

I’m going so someone should watch the kids.” I then left without talking to anyone. When I got home I checked my texts and found a rant from her, saying that they were her stories and she could feel any way she wanted. She called me sensitive for “not taking a joke” and suggested I get a therapist (I already have one and she knows that) because I was “jealous of a 4-year old.'

She said I was rude for leaving. I was too upset to respond then, but after some thought I may be in the wrong. AITA?

People had a lot of feelings and support for OP.

followandpass wrote:

NTA. That’s completely bizarre behavior. Believe me, those other moms were horrified by these “funny” stories. She gets to feel how she likes. She feels like the @$$hole in this story and in your life. I hope you can process this with your therapist soon.

_SourBitten_ wrote:

NTA. Drunk Words are Sober Thoughts. '...saying they were her stories and she could feel any way she wanted'

In that case, those are your stories too and you're well within your right to be upset! You went through trauma! You're still dealing with it to this day! You didn't ask to have those things happen to you and you definitely didn't ask to be mocked for them by your own Mother!

KitchenDismal9258 wrote:

NTA. She just told you what she really thought of you and it's not pleasant. She doesn't like the reminder of her former life with your father and you're the product of that. I would be taking a very big step back from her and seeing a therapist to process your childhood and what's happening now.

And yes, those kinder moms would not have been too impressed with your mom with both what she was saying and the fact that she was so drunk at a 4-year-old's birthday party... That really was not a good look. And there may be a price for her to pay that she doesn't realize yet.

meadow_chef wrote:

NTA. Your mom needs to learn how to hold her liquor and her tongue. Her stories make her look worse than you and probably made the other moms pretty uncomfortable. You have nothing to apologize or feel like an AH for.

And after receiving lots of internet support, OP had a conversation with her stepdad and sent a text to her mom.

She shared the update with Reddit.

So, to start, I’d like to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I read through as many replies as I could and some of y’all had me sobbing. Genuinely, everyone says that the internet is a cesspit of toxicity, but that’s not true at all. Mushy feelings aside, here’s the actual update.

So, the first thing I did was talk to my stepdad. Contrary to some of y’all’s assumptions, I don’t live at my parents’ house, so I asked him over to breakfast to talk on a day my mom had work but I had off. He knows I usually plan around my mom’s work schedule, so I think he knew it was serious beforehand.

We sat down over eggs and I told him what had happened. He’d been doing something else at the time, and was absolutely shocked. Apparently, my mom had told him a twisted version of events. According to him, she’d said that I sent her an “angry text” because of a “few harmless jabs” and that she was “only kidding” and “didn’t mean any harm.'' She also had conspicuously left out her drunken text to me.

His reaction to the actual content of her “jokes” can only be described as a deep sadness and frustration. He offered me true support and affirmation, something that I could never picture my mom doing in my a million years. My mom can be nice, but she’s not great at anything deeper than platitudes. What did I ever do to deserve him?

He was also completely blindsided by the fact that there was alcohol at a kid’s party. Apparently, he had left the planning to her and had no idea. I told him that I want to go very low contact with my mom for a bit, and asked for his help to see him and Melody without having to deal with her. He said that he understood, and agreed to have me over when she’s not around.

He told me he would get my mom help with her emotions and her drinking problem, and I told him that she probably wouldn’t cooperate and promised to help him get her the help she needs in what ways I can. A half-hour after my stepdad left, I texted my mom the following:

'Hey ma, I’ve mulled over what happened at Mel’s party and I’ve come to the realization that our relationship is not healthy. You put me down for things that weren’t my fault and laugh at how you and [my bio dad] screwed my childhood up. It hurts to hear you speak about me like that, and I don’t think you understand exactly how much.

I’ve also come to the understanding that you serving alcohol at a four-year-old’s birthday party without even telling dad isn’t normal. This isn’t a one-time thing, you start drinking at eight AM and don’t stop until bed. You have two problems, and until you get some serious help with both of them, I would like very little contact with you. Please don’t contact me outside of an emergency.'

I then blocked her from texting me I know this isn’t as dramatic of an update as y’all were hoping for, but I hope that someone can take something from it. I know it’s only been a few days, but I have no regrets. Maybe going cold turkey off her was what I needed.

People were glad to hear that she spoke her piece.

yayoet wrote:

It's hard to deal with family that we're with you in the hard times, then put you down for back then when you were a kid OP. I've gone through a good bit of the same and wanted to pass the words my Powerlifting Coach gave me that sparked the light at the end back up.

'Our childhoods weren't good, but that wasn't our fault.' I can't offer much more, but I hope you can look forward knowing you survived harshness and didn't let it define you, even when your family wants it to.

Straysmom wrote:

Sadly, when you have toxic family the only thing you can do is block them/go no contact. They don't understand that their behavior is hurtful and usually aren't willing to go to counselling.

I know this because I had to walk away from my own parents. My mental health improved immediately once I stopped trying to be good enough for them. I'm glad that your stepdad is a decent man who cares about you & treats you with the respect that you deserve :)

TogarSucks wrote:

I just read your original post and f@#k, as soon as your mom said “I’m allowed...” I got flashes of my own mom using those words. Any time me or my siblings try and stand up to her or tell her how her behavior is bothersome or hurtful she goes right to that. Good for you OP.

Antique-Cry-5024 wrote:

Oh, sweetheart. I just read your first post. You being 'difficult' as a child definitely wasn't your fault and I'm so sorry you didn't get the childhood you deserved. I'm glad you went low contact with your mom. I hope it helps your mental health and stress levels.

Clearly, OP was never TA, and it's really good she had the internet to give her support as she sets needed boundaries moving forward.