'WIBTA if I reconnected with my kids; I suspect one of them doesn’t want to.'
'WIBTA if I reconnected with my children even though I suspect one of them doesn’t actually want to reconnect?'
I’m the mother of three children, 24M, 36F and 38F. The 36-year-old still visits me and keeps in touch, but the other two cut contact with me. Until last night, I had no idea why my eldest daughter had cut ties with me. We had a wonderful relationship, and she was always my favourite.
My daughters were wanted and loved by both of us. My son was an accident that happened under extremely inconvenient circumstances.
Why my son cut ties with me was no mystery. I treated my son terribly his entire time living with me. He had an awful childhood where he was rejected by almost everyone including his family.
I verbally abused him from before he could understand words and rarely showed him any love. My husband largely ignored him unless I wasn’t around to look after him, and his sisters weren’t around for most of his childhood because they’re much older than him.
He grew up into a sullen, quiet, antisocial teenager who spent the bulk of his time in his room and didn’t speak to anyone in the family unless he was spoken to or was lashing out. He graduated a year early, left home at 17, and cut contact with me, my husband, and my daughters. I reported him missing to the police, but nothing came of it. For years, I had no idea where he went.
Five years later, he showed up at my doorstep. He looked like a mess, but he wanted me to know that he’d made it. When he left home, it was because he’d gotten a full scholarship to a university in the next state over. He’d gotten a bachelor’s degree and had been accepted into a doctorate program.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the mood to hear him out. My divorce was happening at the time, and I snapped at him for making me wonder if he was dead for five years. The stress of wondering if we’d essentially killed him was part of what ended our marriage. I’d meant it in a loving way, but he left before I was finished.
Within months of that, my eldest daughter started tapering off communication with me. I didn’t know why until I got a phone call last night.
It was my eldest. She and her brother want to reconnect with me. A week after I’d shut the door on him, my son tracked her down and gave her a call. He was really struggling with depression and didn’t have anyone else reach out to. My eldest was just glad to hear that he was alive and invited him over.
Since then, it was like she became his first real parental figure. He was visiting almost every weekend for a while and even though he doesn’t visit as often anymore, they’re still very close. And it took a lot of time and therapy, but by the sounds of it, he’s thriving now.
For a while, my eldest didn’t feel like it would be right to have a relationship with me while she was “helping my victim to heal,” but after she had a child, she wanted to reconnect, so long as I can get along with her brother. We made arrangements for me to come visit them next Saturday.
I realized today that he’s probably just doing it for her. WIBTA if I didn’t mention my suspicion and went anyhow?
Comments:
imhere4blkpeople says:
You need therapy and to lose contact with all three. To openly admit that you're only doing this so you can get back in the good graces of your FAVOURITE child is next level narcissism. I can't imagine how the middle child feels. YTA.
throwaway467688 OP responded:
I’m not doing it just for my eldest. I want to reconnect with my son, too. It sounds like he’s come a long way.
RudeGirl85 says: OP responded:
A long way from what?
throwaway467688 says:
From being a sullen teenager with no interpersonal skills. There’s a reason I thought he was going to die on the streets.
Advanced_Elephant446 says:
Wait, he left at 17, got into college and was successful. Is the “long time” when he was a teenager and you very obviously didn’t care about him? YTA
throwaway467688 OP responded:
Yes. He didn’t tell me about any of his successes back then, so I didn’t know. I only knew about his personality.
Bitter-Conflict-4089 says:
Let me guess. Now that you know he is going to be successful. You see him as a meal ticket. You are actually expecting him to financially support you. Am I close?
throwaway467688 OP responded:
No. I have my own money.
AlternativeAd3652 says:
WOW. Just wow. You should re-title this post 'WIBTA for pretending I want to reconnect with my son I abused for his entire life just because it's the only way to get my favourite child back?' And yes, YWBTA. WOW. There's some crap that comes up in this sub but you are special.
throwaway467688 OP responded:
That isn’t true. I want to reconnect with my son, too. For a long time I thought my son was beyond saving, but it seems like he’s done so much in spite of everything. I didn’t realize how strong he was. I want to apologize and congratulate him.
LenoreSkellington says:
YTA. Like... the biggest one. Good job for admitting you were a lousy mother to your son. Don't ruin that by accusing your son of 'only doing this for his sister'. So what if he is? Why is that important? He's willing to put his lousy past behind him and the reason why shouldn't matter.
You should be grateful he's willing to be in your life at all. That sounds like the very last thing you deserve.
throwaway467688 OP responded:
You’re right. It doesn’t matter. Thank you.
Shiney2510 says:
YTA, you are so TA.
You shouldn't meet him, not because of your suspicion (after everything you've done to him you've some nerve to use that word in relation to him as if he's up to something), you shouldn't meet him because you clearly don't give a shit about him and from everything that's happened so far it's clear you'll only cause him further pain.
That's was a hard thing to read. Your poor son! Rejected over and over again. You have zero compassion for him. It's so heartbreaking to read.
You say some of your comments 'were in a loving way'. He came back after 5 years and all you do is snap at him and blame him for the failure of your marriage. It was your actions that caused him to leave.
There's nothing in your post that indicates you've ever shown even a morsel of love towards your son. You really don't love him at all. The poor guy, I hope he never has to deal with you again and finds people who actually care about him.
throwaway467688 OP responded:
That isn’t true. For a long time I thought my son was beyond saving, but it seems like he’s done so much in spite of everything. I didn’t realize how strong he was. I want to apologize and congratulate him.
Shiney2510 says:
*in spite of everything you've done. Which part isn't true? I can't read your post again, it was so hard to read the first time.
Last time you tried to do something loving you blamed him for the destruction of your marriage. You seem incapable of being in anyway kind to him. How will this time be any different?
throwaway467688 OP responded:
It will be different because he’s not showing up out of the blue uninvited while I’m having one of the worst moments in my life, and because my relationship with favourite daughter is at stake.