'AITA for wanting my husband to tell his nanny to tone it down?'
"AITA for wanting my husband to tell his nanny to tone it down?"
My husband has 3 kids, 2 bio (10m and 8f), and his former stepdaughter (15f). I also have 2 kids (10m and 12f). My husband's ex had mental health issues and my husband didn't want her alone with the kids so shortly after they got married, he hired Lucia (mid-late 50's at the time) to take care of his stepdaughter, then later their kids.
He was eventually able to leave his ex and they moved to be closer to his family. He didn't want to fire Lucia so she moved in with them. Lucia is very close with these kids. They call her grandma, she taught them Spanish, and she's very loving towards the kids.
It's not unusual to see the youngest sitting in Lucia's lap while they watch a movie and she hugs and kisses them all the time. My kids and I moved in and, while she's nice to us, she treats my kids like an afterthought. I don't pay her for my kids.
They take the bus to school and are capable of walking to and from the bus stop, making themselves a snack, and doing their homework. The only thing she needs to do is, when she makes dinner, I need her to make some for my kids.
There are two problems with this arrangement. First, she makes Mexican food all the time. My kids don't eat Mexican food so my daughter ends up making dinner for herself and her brother half the time. Second, she's extremely loving to my husband's kids while pretty much ignoring mine.
It wouldn't kill them to speak English around my kids or for her to not hug and kiss them every 30 seconds. It makes my kids uncomfortable and a little jealous. I told my husband about this and he said he didn't know what I was expecting since Lucia had been with those kids for 12 years.
I told him to talk to Lucia about making things fair between the kids. Speak English so my kids could be included in the conversation, make food that all of the kids like, include my kids in their outings (once a week Lucia picks the kids up from school and takes them out to get ice cream or hot chocolate and sometimes they go out for dinner after that).
My husband says no because his kids love Lucia's Mexican food, the ice cream has been a tradition with the 4 of them for 7 years, the kids will start to forget their Spanish if they don't speak it regularly with Lucia, and because she's been their grandma since the oldest was 3 and the younger two were born so having her change anything now will be harmful to his kids.
I told him that he can't just think of his kids anymore. Keeping things the way they are is harmful to my kids but he's refusing to change anything and is blaming everything on me because I was the one that told Lucia that my kids don't need a nanny.
Since he's refusing to talk to her about it himself, I'm considering talking to her but I wanted to know if I was the a-hole for wanting my husband to do it.
What's a mother to do?
Reddit was all to happy to offer their advice:
ThePearlEarring says:
YTA (you're the a-hole) OP. You want a free nanny for your kids but won't pay her for the extra kids. You're extremely entitled and is clear you think of Lucia as a servant. Shame on you.
43344035289 writes:
Girl you don't even pay her and you're expecting her to treat your kids like your husband's kids? Sit down. YTA.
Aunty_Fascist says:
YTA and this is an excellent chance for your kids to learn Spanish, which will be very useful to them in the future.
TemptingPenguin369 writes:
YTA. Well lookee here! The consequences of your own actions biting you! You didn't want a nanny, didn't invite Lucia to family gatherings, did nothing to make her feel comfortable when you and your kids joined her family.
Basically you joined a family with a live-in abuelita, and instead of seeing this as an opportunity for, say, your kids get to learn another language, you try to get her to stop speaking Spanish with kids she's cared for since they were young. If your kids don't eat Mexican food (???) maybe cook for them yourself instead of having your 12-year-old do the cooking.