So, I (m23), recently had a significant argument with my wife (f25). The background: My wife and I got married last year, and just over a week ago, we became parents to a beautiful little girl. She comes from a single-parent family and was raised without any siblings by her mother.
They are very close, and my mother-in-law and I get along well. I, on the other hand, come from a large family, with five siblings, and both my parents raised me. My mother absolutely adores children and loves having them around. Every grandchild she has, she treats like her own.
However, my mother and my wife don't get along very well. They are respectful in each other's presence, but they don't have a strong connection. My wife made it clear that she didn't want my mother to visit us in the hospital, which I understood, given my mother's enthusiasm, especially with new grandchildren.
I thought it was fair, since my wife was the one going through all of the hard work, and I was there to support her, not make demands. Here's where things got complicated.
The delivery was painful and had several complications, lasting over 40 hours. My wife was exhausted afterward and was given medication to help her sleep. She was deeply asleep. During this time, I received a text from my mother, who lives nearby, asking how it went and if she could visit. I agreed, but suggested we meet in the hospital's visiting area since my wife was resting.
I took my daughter, met up with my mother, and they stayed for about 30 minutes before leaving. When I returned to the room with my daughter, my wife had woken up and asked where we had been. I explained, and she fell silent. Last night, her mother (my MIL) arrived after traveling a considerable distance.
The argument ensued, with my wife considering me inconsiderate for allowing my mother to see our daughter first. She wanted her mother to be the first to see our child and didn't want my mother to visit in the hospital. I found this unreasonable, as I had ensured my mother didn't meet my wife. The argument got heated, and although we made up, tensions still linger. Am I the A-hole here?
You said your wife made it clear that she didn’t want your mother visiting while she was at the hospital. I assume this message was relayed to your mother and your wife made this a clear boundary that you agreed to. Then your wife spent almost a whole two days experiencing a traumatic birth which she was recovering from.
If your mother did know she wasn’t welcome at the hospital and asked you knowing this. That means she doesn’t respect your wife’s wishes. I can understand why your wife doesn’t get with your mom because she didn’t respect your wife’s wishes clearly after everything she had been through.
As her husband you need to respect her decisions and stick to a decision when you agreed. It your responsibility to enforce boundaries with your family and you didn’t do that.
The biggest issue I have though is you agreed and you didn’t respect your wife. The first chance you got you broke her trust, didn’t respect her boundaries and then got mad at her when she called you out on it. That makes you the A-hole and if your mother did know about your wife decision then she is too.
And I just want to add, I feel so bad for his poor wife having such a traumatic labor and then waking up ALONE in her hospital room. Husband and newborn baby both gone. That’s got to feel absolutely terrible.
YTA. “Yeah mom, you can come, wife’s asleep, she’ll never know.” You cannot tell me that you would have told her what happened when she woke up, you only told her bc you got caught.
YTA. You already agreed that your mom Wasn’t going to visit you in the hospital. And you went back on it.
This right here!!! He agreed! Mom was told and she agreed! Why did she even ask to come? Did mom even ask to come or did he offer because he thought wife would sleep through it? Would he have ever told wife if she hadn’t woken up? YTA X 1000
Come on, you know YTA. How could you not be? You do know you’re married to your wife, not your mom, right? RIGHT?
YTA. Your wife has a traumatic labor and delivery. While she’s recovering you undermine her trust and take the baby to meet your Mom. Obviously your wife now understands your Mom is more important than her. You chose making your Mom happy over your wife.
You knew the situation. You knew her wishes. Your wife grew a whole baby, delivered, and could have died. You chose your Mom. Now you’re wondering why your wife is mad? YTA, completely.
YTA. Not only did you disrespect your wife’s wishes BUT you brought your “hours old” newborn to a public waiting room in a hospital during flu season. What is wrong with you???