Widowed dad scolds GF for parenting his 16yo daughter, says 'you're not her mom.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my girlfriend she's not allowed to tell my daughter what to do?"

I've been with my girlfriend for three years but she only moved in with me six months ago. I'm a widower so I wanted to make sure that our relationship was serious before I was ok with her moving in with me and my daughter.

Generally they get along pretty well. I told my girlfriend at the very beginning of our relationship that I wasn't looking for a step mum for my daughter, she's old enough that she doesn't need a 'new mom'.

Last weekend I went camping with one of my mates for two days and my girlfriend stayed home with my daughter. I knew my daughter was going to a party on Saturday and I already agreed to it. But when I came back from my camping trip my daughter complained that my girlfriend told her she had to wash her make up off and choose a look that's less 'provocative' before she could leave the house.

I got angry at my gf and told her she wasn't allowed to order my daughter around and she wasn't allowed to prevent her from doing anything that I already agreed to. We had a huge fight and since then we barely talked. AITA in this situation?

OP also updated with more context:

EDIT: My daughter is 16. She doesn't need a babysitter and my girlfriend isn't my daughters step mum or guardian. She's my girlfriend, that's it.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Golfnpickle reminisces about their own childhood:

I always felt good that my mom let go out of the house without saying anything about how I looked. Teased hair, to much make up, weird clothing trends, she never opened her mouth. I found out for myself who I was. I look back now & wish she might of intervened, but I know I wouldn’t have listened & thrown a fit like OP’s daughter.

hellbabe222 shares their experience with their similarly-aged daughters:

I have 2 daughters, 22 and 15, and I have made a conscience effort to never comment on theirs or my own weight or put myself down in front of them as well as never discouraging them from dressing however they want. I would hate to be the one to clip their wings and mess with their self esteem.

My oldest jokingly asked me why I never intervened during her over filled in eyebrow phase when she was about 14-15. She had a Joan Crawford look going on for sure, they were VERY defined lol.

sliverofoptimism shares a parenting tactic that was all too effective for them:

I told my kiddo he could get a mullet but I’d print a giant portrait of him with it to hang up in a few years. Weirdly, he chose not to.

dragonkittyrawr makes a different argument:

I think you’ve created an untenable situation here. A 16 yr-old is not an adult and while your gf was wrong to intervene in this situation it is possible a situation will come up where your gf needs to be the adult and tell your daughter no but she won’t be able to.

I think you need to have a talk about what would be an appropriate situation to intervene in (cause there aren’t going to be many). Like if you say your daughter can go to a party but must be home by midnight and daughter says she’s spending the night gf needs to feel empowered enough to at least be able to say, “That’s not what your dad agreed to we need to ask him first”.

Or if you’re unavailable she needs to be able to say, “That’s not what your dad agreed to and since we can’t ask him you still need to be home by midnight”

Accurate_Quote_7109 shows some strong feelings with:

Your GF seriously overstepped the boundaries. It was none of her business. On top of that, her makeup was 'provocative'? I'm a 50+ mother of a 16 yo woman, and while I don't always like my kiddo's makeup, that's a personal preference. So I compliment it, or not, as the spirit moves me. Long gone are the days that 'lipstick is for 'fallen women''!

Later OP came back with this update:

Firstly I just want to say that I didn't expect my post to blow up the way it did. I read through all of the comments, despite there being so many and I really appreciate everyone's input.

Unfortunately this update is not exactly a happy one. The day after my post I tried to have a serious lengthy discussion about boundaries and our relationship in general just like many of you suggested. But the discussion got pretty heated and she said that the reason she asked my daughter to wash her make up off is because she looked like a "s^%t".

For me that was just too much. I asked her to leave my house and by the evening she moved out. Right now I don't know if I did the right thing or not because I truly love my girlfriend but I just couldn't let anyone talk that way about my daughter.

Since she moved out we haven't talked at all other than her texting me saying she'll pick up the rest of her things next week. So again I appreciate everyone that commented on my original post, seems like I'll have to remain a single dad for a bit longer.