Wife at a loss when husband says, 'I can't enjoy life now that we have a son.' AITA?
When this woman is at a loss when it comes to her husband's mental health, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for telling my husband that I can't help him with his mental struggles?"
My (34F) husband (38M) struggles with his workload and the responsibilities as an involved dad. Both of us work full time and our son (2y) is in daycare. I am able to work from home half the time.
We share the workload of childcare around 50:50 (he's a good and involved dad, that's not the problem). He's a nurse and I'm working in an office. I earn more, so I foot more of the shared bills.
I also do more chores around the house (like all the inside cleaning, I care for the dogs and cats alone, laundry, deep cleaning), his only weekly chore I won't do no matter what is mowing the lawn.
We talked about the workload and about the mental load (which also is "my" task). It didn't change, he often would say that he does so much more than other dads.
For around half a year my husband struggles with his workload and that he can't enjoy life as he used to before our son was born. He goes to bed around 9pm and then complains that he can't even watch TV until 10pm.
He fantasizes about becoming a farmer again (he was a farmer before becoming a nurse, it was hell because he had no help and it wasn't working out for him. That's why I don't understand his fantasizing about it), about quitting his current job.
He often talks about his promise to himself, that if he ever would feel like right now again he would just quit and do something else. I have to remind him that he's not alone anymore and that we have to care for our son, pay our mortgage and living expenses.
That we currently don't have the money to let him learn another trade. Because of the amount of times he complains it feels like it is our sons and my fault he feels like that.
This evening he complained again, loudly. I told him that I can't really help him. That I struggle, too. He has a therapist appointment for the first time on monday (waittimes are crazy here) and I told him that the therapist is better in finding a solution than I am.
He jumped up, huffed loudly and told me I am an asshole for not taking him seriously and that his mental health is important. Before I could get another word in he stormed away, slammed the door and left for bed. All the while talking about cancelling the appointment because if I could not help him why should a therapist?
So, AITA for not being able to help my husband? Why am I asking? I often feel that it is my fault he is unhappy and I often aks myself if I am the asshole.
Let's see what readers thought.
guardlamama writes:
NTA - you are not disinterested enough to help him. A therapist is much more likely to be able to get him to see what he can do to help himself, because that is how you get out of a bad mental habit.
elevensins writes:
NAH. He's in crisis, and sometimes people kick the ones they love the hardest when in this situation. Getting him into therapy is the right way to go and continue to insist he see a therapist, you aren't trained in how to handle his needs. Highly suggest you also seek out therapy if you can.
betweenweedtobu writes:
NAH. Husband sounds truly miserable and in crisis, but there's not much you can do beyond what you're doing. He needs more help than you can give. Tie him up if you have to, but get him to that therapy appointment no matter what.