'AITA for refusing to make dinner if the dishes aren't washed?'
"AITA for refusing to make dinner if the dishes aren't washed?"
I (29F) and husband (28M) recently allowed his brother (27M) to move in with us. We all work full time and the same hours M-F with an occasional Saturday. I'm self employed, so I'm able to make my hours flexible if needed - which I do on Tuesdays to do my husband's and I's laundry early in the morning before I go to work and Wednesdays to do our towels and his brothers laundry.
We do not own a washer and dryer at home, so I take our laundry to do elsewhere on those days - which I honestly do not mind at all. Note that his brother is paying $100/week and I told him that that would include me doing his laundry weekly.
I do all the stopping at grocery stores on my own before picking them up from work - which also cuts into my work days (we currently only have 1 vehicle and his brothers car is down so I'm the main transportation for everyone).
At home, I clean up after our dog of any bathroom messes he's made during the day while we're away and fix his food. I also ensure all the common spaces are neat and tidy.
When I cook dinner (I am the only one who cooks), I want the sink to be empty. When I do cook, I ensure that the kitchen is properly cleaned after and I make sure all the pots/pans, utensils, and plates/bowls are rinsed with no residue left behind for easy cleaning for the next person.
I've recently started getting complaints that, 1. They're tired of doing the dishes all the time and 2. I complain too much. Biggest complaints from me are wanting the dishes done and the clothes to be placed properly into the hamper.
I feel like I put a lot of effort into everything I contribute to the home. The only tasks I ask from them is for clothes to be picked up off the floor and then put away immediately once they're cleaned and then for dishes to be done before I make dinners.
I will quickly note that we'll usually choose one day on the weekend that we all pick a room to tackle to deep clean - but outside of that particular day, the load of the house is left to me.
I told them both yesterday that I will no longer complain about dishes being done or not. I will continue to lay something out for dinner, but if the dishes are not completed, I won't be cooking.
They also know which days I do laundry and if things aren't properly placed in the hamper when I'm ready to leave for laundry, those items won't be washed until the following week.
I've been told this is a harsh approach - that i'm going to 'starve' them. However as I stated before, I feel as though I contribute a lot to our household and I don't feel like I'm asking much for these tasks to be completed by them.
They're tired of hearing me complain about things not being done and I'm tired of having to complain about these things not being done. However maybe this is a harsh approach and makes me an AH. Should I just start doing the dishes myself and ensuring everything is properly placed in the hamper for wash day(s) to keep the home running smoothly? AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
hotshock38 writes:
No* girl this ain’t it. These boys have you acting like their mama. NTA for what you gave as the ultimatum, but I don’t think its far enough.
Yeah they need some hard boundaries to realise their not at home anymore and that s&^% don’t fly here. They’re adults and can contribute an equal amount
derailed writes:
They all working full-time. 3 adults I'm curious what the financial contributions to the house is. The brother sounds like he is getting an amazing deal, $100 for rent that includes a maid, food, and a driver. What OP is asking for is so basic level, even toddlers know how to put clothing in a basket or hamper.
However I learned that teenagers are very lazy. If the hamper is in a different room from where the clothes on floor usually are, a separate hamper in that room (usually their bedroom) will help....plus points if it has no lid and they can toss the clothing in from the other side of the room.
NTA. I’m sorry but are you their maid?
About 5 weeks later OP came back with an update:
I want to start off by saying that I'm grateful that I posted my situation. It honestly opened my eyes about how much I've been allowing people in life to get over on me so easily for far too long - and I mean that in terms of a lot of people throughout my life, not just this situation in particular.
As awful as it sounds, I truly believed I was going to be the AH in the situation when I posted it - yet it wasn't the response I received at all. For that, I want to thank everyone who took their time to reply to my post. You helped in opening my eyes to the boundaries I needed to create in my life going forward.
The day I posted it, I decided to put my foot down with not cooking dinner unless the dishes were done and not washing laundry that wasn't properly placed in the hamper on laundry day, and I stuck with it.
To my surprise, things began running smoothly!
Though things were seemingly running smoothly again, my husband and I were beginning to miss our own privacy and space. My husband and BIL were beginning to not get along and we realized he was doing nothing to save money to move when his living with us was supposed to be very temporary. So we decided we were going to give him a date to move out by.
The day we were going to give him the date, I woke up to a status BIL had posted on Facebook stating that the last 3 months had been filled with depression and starvation and it had caused him to lose a great amount of weight.
Which I was extremely taken aback by and honestly hurt. I have spent a lot of time making new and elaborate recipes. My husband and I still cannot figure out what prompted him to post it in the first place.
So, I not only confronted him about it by commenting on his post, but in person as well. I asked him, "So you're starving?" Where he looked me straight in my face and said, "yes." I honestly couldn't have been more dumbfounded. There were a lot of words exchanged, mostly by me, and my husband told him it was best to keep his mouth shut.
I suppose now would be a good time to note that BIL is known for his pathological lying - though I'm unsure how anyone can lie to someone who's literally been cooking their meals on almost a nightly basis. When I dropped them off at work that morning, my husband told him he had a week to move out, but BIL ultimately decided to move out that night when they returned home from work.
I was honestly hopeful to give a 100% perfect and peaceful update. Though I suppose in hindsight, it is. We now have our home, privacy, and peace of mind back. Our home is running more smoothly than ever and my husband and I can continue on our path of a happily ever after.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
INFO: So is your husband going to pick up the slack & cook for you sometimes and find his own transportation to and from work? Or is it him doing the bare minimum of making sure dishes are washed before you cook and dirty clothes are where they need to be?
OP responded:
As stated in my original post, things were not like this prior to BIL moving in. He offers to cook, however I prefer to do the cooking on my own. We have one vehicle and I work the same hours as him - so dropping him off at work and picking him up isn't an issue. We cannot currently afford a second vehicle and rideshare options are out of the question.
He has been helping me greatly around the house, outside of keeping dishes cleaned and clothes off the floor. Sweeping, mopping, trash, toilet cleaning, etc.
I am fulfilled doing all of the things I do and he fulfills me in the emotional and mental ways I personally seek. This was only a (thankfully) temporary issue - not an overall view of our marriage.
Calling it "helping" though...it isn't. The house is BOTH of your responsibilities. He's doing what he's supposed to, not above and beyond. Please value your time as much as you value his.
OP responded:
It's just the way I word it and there's no need to look too deeply into it. He does plenty of his share and I do mine.
Just want you to be treated well!
OP responded:
I am, no worries 🤗 I honestly wish I could paint a full picture of our relationship, from beginning to now. It is by far the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I've referred to it often as a fairy tale because it truly does feel too good to be true sometimes.
I think it just goes to show that even in the happiest of relationships/marriages, there's going to be moments that aren't ideal along the way and frustrations you'll have to work through. No one will ever be perfect and that's okay. You just have to find the one you're willing to work through the hard times with.
Note from OP in response to a question about BIL's post:
He apparently had edited the post by that night and removed the starving portion. One of my husband's coworkers told him that another employee that is a friend of his brothers thought it was ridiculous that we "kicked him out" over that status because he never said anything about starving.
Unluckily for him, I do have screenshots. I also told him to let his coworker know that if you click the 3 little dots on someone's FB post, you can view their edit history.
Regardless, screenshots never fail 🙃