Woman 'abandons' younger siblings to avoid 'bigoted' mom. AITA? UPDATED 4X
When this woman feels guilty for abandoning her siblings so that she could avoid her "prejudiced" mother, she asks Reddit:
OP also provides several updates over the course of a few months.
"AITA for "abandoning" my siblings?"
I'm not so sure how to format this, other than just jumping right into it. I (F17) am the oldest of 3 living with my two siblings (F14 and M10) and our mother. Our father left when my brother was born, and afterwards we moved states closer to family for help.
Since then I've been helping my mom with raising my siblings the best I can. I feel so confused about abandoning them now. We've had family come over to help when I was busy and my mom was at work, but for the most part it was just the four of us.
When we moved, I was placed back in school as soon as I could be. I've always been more quiet than most, and living in a new state only made the social awkwardness worse. But eventually, I met another girl around my age, and we started to become good friends.
The girl, Alannah, and I started doing a lot together. It only took a couple years, if not less, to be considered like family. A little over five months ago, Alannah and I started dating. We took it very slow, and kept it to ourselves.
Last month when we hit five months, she convinced me to tell my mom. She was fine with the ex-boyfriends I've had, and based off prior comments seemed to support the LGBTQ+ community. Last Sunday, I decided to tell her.
Alannah spent the night, because she wanted to be with me when I told my mom. So in the morning we both sat her down with us at the dining room table. When we told her, she freaked out.
She said all sorts of angry things at us. It was all very bigoted. My girlfriend and I tried to keep our cool, but before the conversation was over I was in tears and she was clearly pissed. That was the only time I've ever swore at my mother.
I left the house for a few hours. I needed to relax and calm down before making any hasty decisions. When I returned later, I opened the door to see my suitcase packed and sitting next to the couch.
I took the hint, grabbed it, and left again. I've been staying with Alannah since, but it's difficult because her parents don't know about us either, and they just know my mom and I got into an argument.
This week my phone's been blowing up with family members criticizing me for leaving my siblings and mom like that. I can only assume they've been given one half of the story, but maybe I'm wrong.
My mom hasn't called or messaged since. I feel sorry, but at the same time I don't know if she understands how she hurt me.
So Reddit, am I the jerk here?
Then OP provides her first update:
To be clear, my GF wanted the two of us to start coming out together, that's why she was with me when we first told my mom.
My mom seemed supportive, and her parents never really hinted one way or another until we told them. Telling one supportive person is easier than trying to tell two unknown people. Neither of us knew how it'd go, so I don't fault her. She feels awful about it still, but I'm trying to reassure her that there was no way of knowing.
Then, OP provides her second update:
I've been sleeping on my partner's couch. The first night they found it odd and asked why, and I just sort of said that it felt more comfortable without elaboration. We haven't been at the house much either. Between finals and studying for them, we've been spending our free time just hanging out at our local park or with friends.
Then, OP provides an update that details her history with her GF:
Well, the lack of a platonic relationship doesn't imply a se%ual one. We didn't say anything like that. Just that we were now romantically involved. Another commenter also said that we probably should've told her first, and they're probably right.
Hindsight is 2020 and all. I've mentally blocked out a lot of what was said, truth be told. I have to believe that if it was mentioned during the start of the argument that her issue was us not telling her, it wouldn't have ended up with me in tears and on someone else's couch.
I've never had a boy over. Honestly, just never felt like it, never asked. Idk what my mom's answer would've been. My gf was my best friend for years though, it was nothing new, just felt natural.
Sending one of us on the couch or just stopping all together (even though they did decrease when we got older) would've felt like outing ourselves then and there. But I guess we probably should've done that in hindsight. Wish I could say I'd keep that in mind for next time, only I don't think there will be a next time.
Also, it wasn't so much my GF convincing me to tell my mom, I just said it poorly. She wanted both of us to come out together, and thought it'd be easier to start with my seemingly supportive mom than her two parents which really haven't slipped their hand one way or another.
Also, she wanted to start easing into who we told. Our friends knew, but that was them more finding out than being told. She wanted to tell hers, too, but because of the remarks my mom made before, which made it seem like she supported the community, thought it'd be better to start with her.
Now that I think about it, my mom didn't yell at Alannah as much as she did me. I guess she's one of those "they're fine, just not related to me" people or something.
Before we give you OP's final update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
secretwerewolf8 writes:
Oh sweetie, NTA. Have a virtual mom hug. Your actual mom sucks and I would very much like to shake some sense into her.
Put her on blast to your family, let them know she kicked you out and why. Either you'll find allies or it doesn't matter because those bridges are burning anyway. If your school has a GSA reach out to the teacher sponsor, they should be able to direct you to help.
ghostwalker1622 writes:
NTA. She kicked you out, you didn’t just up and leave. I would have been pissed that the girlfriend spent the night but not that you have one. In my opinion, as parents you let your kids know your personal opinions on these things and why, then let them decide their own life and accept it.
It doesn’t mean we have to agree with it, just accept it. That’s what normal parents and adults do. To be very clear, I know a lady who is religious and is completely against any part of same se% relationships because of her religion.
One of her grandsons is gay. Not bi just straight up gay. She doesn’t agree but loves her grandson therefore she accepts his life and doesn’t give him any grief. We’re not put onto this earth to judge other peoples personal life and choices. My mother was the same way.
Didn’t believe it should be done, but not her place to judge. I know this personally because her favorite cousin was gay. She never judged him for it. She never spoke out against same sex couples or their normal show of appropriate affection in public.
This is how anyone should treat you in your life period! Nobody has to agree but you shouldn’t be judged for it neither. It’s really easy to accept that we have no say in peoples personal decisions. I do it every day. Good luck with the girlfriends parents!
welshbogart7 writes:
Wow, mate. NTA. It breaks my heart that people still react like this to their children coming out. I'm so so sorry your Mom has done this to you.
You didn't abandon anyone - you were thrown out for being LGBTQ. If you feel safe to do so I would suggest telling Alannah's parents (though that depends on her wanting to come out too). Perhaps contact your Dad - don't know if you still have contact with him? Perhaps even a counsellor or someone at school?
Your mother should be your safe person. I'm just so sorry this has happened to you. Take good care of yourself and know you have done NOTHING wrong.
As for those relatives, they can piss off. Don't see any of them offering to help. Though it does sound like your Mom is controlling the narrative. Up to you how to handle them and prioritise your safety, but I'd be texting them back "Actually, Mom has thrown me out for being gay." when they say you've abandoned anyone...
dan1988 writes:
NTA. Your mom is though. She was incredibly hurtful and ABANDONED YOU in your moment of vulnerability. It's okay to take some time. Or a lot of time. Or if your mom doesn't come around, potentially even forever.
Beyond that, you're not required to be a second parent. It's amazing that you are, and I can understand where the "abandonment" part comes from, but that's an unfair expectation to place on you.
Despite being NTA keep in mind that your siblings have nothing to do with this so do your best not to punish them. Make it clear to them how you feel about them, that any distance is not reflective of a problem in your relationship with them. Keep seeing them and do whatever you can to remain close.
The same goes for the rest of your family. It's entirely possible they're only getting one side of the story, but if you share the other side you'll see who your allies are, who you can trust, and who is worth your time and energy.
And now, OP's final update:
A lot of you sent some sweet comments my way. I appreciate all the support. Even some of the more controversial comments did provide some great insight. I took a lot of these to heart, and went to see if I can fix things.
Firstly, I called my father. Our relationship is strained, being separated and not seeing each other often, but he's made it to some of my bigger events since the divorce.
Double digits, sweet 16, mostly birthday stuff but sometimes other things. He never wanted us to move away, just felt he couldn't handle a third kid at the time. I digress. I called him, and it went to voice-mail.
I found myself crying into the phone as I relived the past two weeks, but I made sure to word it as "mom kicked me out because I have a girlfriend". He called back a few hours later and said he'd see what he can do to help, and will keep me updated, and asked me to do the same.
Secondly, on Tuesday, I talked to Alannah about us telling her parents. Between people saying I should to get their support and those saying I shouldn't in fear of more backlash, it wasn't an easy choice.
I was hoping worst case scenario, my dad would be able to help. And in the best case, we'd have three adults rooting for us. She was hesitant, seeing how things went with my mom, but ultimately agreed.
We sat her parents down similarly to my mom. When I say we, I really mean she did most of the talking. I was still worried things would go wrong. She started off by simply explaining why I've been here for over a week during class finals.
We tried coming out to my mom, which created an argument, and led to me getting kicked out. Her father said he wished we had told him sooner, and "I'm sorry for failing you two, for making this feel like an unsafe place to be who you are".
Alannah's stepmom and dad talked for a few minutes before coming back with new rules. They wanted their couch back. If that meant dusting off the air mattress from when we were kids, or just getting some extra blankets, they didn't really care. We do us, so long as it isn't illegal and we don't get into trouble.
But that said, since I was now under their roof in a slightly less temporary way, I'd have to start following the same rules Alannah did. Curfew, grades, things like that. All of which I agreed to.
Her parents are going to take us back to my house today. I want to give my mom another chance, I mean I don’t get how you can just walk away from someone after your entire life.
I’m either going to get the documents I need, or my mom back. In the latter case, I still don’t know if I’m going to go back to sleeping there quite yet. I’m still hurt. After talking to my sister she understands and would rather me stay away if needed.
My brother’s a little confused, but says he just wants us all to be happy. Thank you all again for your overwhelming support and advice.
Readers responded to OP's update too:
okebb7 writes:
OP you should not go back to that awful place except to grab your stuff. You deserve so much better than bio mom. Your girlfriend’s dad gets that and is trying to make his home safe and accepting for you. Take it and run. You will be a massive asshole to yourself if you move back in with bio mom.
deliverygodyate6 writes:
The support from Alannah’s father is absolutely outstanding, he sounds like such an amazing dad. Also OP I see a lot of people suggesting that you completely cut your mom off and ultimately it is your decision...
But I just wanted to wish you good luck because I understand how difficult this decision is to make at such a young age and as someone who is also a teen actively taking care of a younger sibling (ten year age difference) I want you to know that I know your situation to an extent and your life and your goals MATTER!!
If you decide to stay out after your mom coldly kicked you out you are not letting your siblings down in any way, start living your life because you deserve to act like a teenager/young adult and not as a third parent, they will 100% understand as they age.