Woman accuses SIL of taking her pregnancy losses out on her. AITA? UPDATED.
When this woman is furious with her SIL, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for accusing my SIL of taking her pregnancy losses out on me?"
I'm pregnant with mine (28f) and my husband's (30m) first baby. When we found out I was expecting we agreed that my husband should tell his sister (AKA SIL) about the pregnancy privately, just the two of them. This is because SIL has suffered five miscarriages in the past two years.
We knew this would make our news harder to handle and because I am not close to SIL at all, but my husband and SIL are, we agreed he was the best person to speak to. I also worried with SIL and I not being close it would hurt more coming from me. She responded well when my husband told her and expressed no hard feelings.
That reaction was just for my husband though. the next time I saw SIL she spoke like I had gotten pregnant just to give her parents a grandchild because I knew she wanted to give them the first grandchild. This is not true and given how she was with my husband it was surprising she reacted that way to me. But I didn't want to cause any trouble so I said nothing.
When we announced to everyone else, SIL said nothing to me but did speak to my husband and congratulated him again. He found it strange and I said we weren't close so that was probably it. At that point I felt like if that's how it would be it was tolerable at least.
But the next time I saw her she accused me of rubbing my pregnancy in her face because I started to show very fast. I told her that was not what I was doing but she accused me of exaggerating my belly, despite the fact I was trying to not show it off.
I told my husband about the encounter and the first one and he said he would speak to her. She told him it was just very hard to see me pregnant and having what she wanted.
He told her it wasn't fair to speak to me like that though. She apologized to me after talking to my husband but I did not feel it was genuine. However, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Then last weekend we were celebrating FILs birthday and my husband's cousin was asking if he could touch my belly. I told him he wouldn't feel the baby move yet but he could if he wanted to.
He replied I was huge so how would he not feel the baby move. My husband's aunt apologized for her son, who has special needs. But hearing that set SIL off and she lost her temper and accused me of flaunting around a fake baby bump when I'm not big enough to show yet.
She told me I was flaunting my healthy pregnancy in her face and trying to make her feel like shit. My husband told her to stop. MIL told her I had concealed any sign of the bump so how was it flaunting it.
She said I was a coward for not telling her face to face and letting her say what she would have earlier and for sending my husband, her brother, to do it.
MIL and my husband were trying to calm her down but then she accused me of being selfish and cruel and I became so frustrated that I told her I was sorry for her miscarriages but she shouldn't take the losses out on me. I excused myself after that but she was screaming that I was heartless. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
deathandtaxes writes:
NTA - as someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages it is incredibly hard to see someone pregnant and having the pregnancy you want. Five miscarriages in two years is tough but her reaction isn't ok.
You were sensitive to her losses, you had her brother tell her privately so she wouldn't be blindsided and you aren't flaunting your bump...some people just show earlier than others. She should look at talking to someone to help with her grief - her sadness shouldn't mean you can't enjoy your pregnancy and be excited by it.
dumbcauliflower writes:
Stop all the contact with SIL. Your husband can deal with her. Block her everywhere and tell husband and in-laws that for now you're NC. You don't need all these stress right now. What you need is to protect yourself and your baby. And distancing from SIL will definitely help a ton.
She is grieving, but it doesn't give her a free pass to be a jerk to you. But she is a grown woman and should deal with her grief by herself. NTA. Stay safe.
managementfinal writes:
NTA. Your sister in laws losses are sad. But she should not use them as an excuse to be an abuser (verbally) and a bully. She should not get a free pass to suck all the joy out of your own life and experience and make it about something and someone it is not.
You are in fact allowed to EXIST while being visibly pregnant. You are in fact allowed to CELEBRATE your pregnancy with your family. Your pregnancy is not about her or centered around her or her infertility.
Just because she had losses does not mean the world stops and comes to a stand still and no one else is allowed to move forward with their own lives.
She doesn't get to abuse every pregnant woman she sees just because they are pregnant. Someone needs to hold her accountable for her behavior grief is no excuse for pro longed intentional targeted bullying. Her behavior is unacceptable. She needs to focus on her mental health and not on what other people have.
OP responds with this thoughtful update:
Speaking as someone who now knows two women who had those struggles I feel like it just comes down to personal circumstances. My aunt really struggled with the people around her getting pregnant when she was unable to.
She pulled back from her family for a while because all her siblings (including my mom) were having kids and growing their families and she just couldn't. She had longed to be a mom since she was a child and was the first to start trying.
She was also the last to have a child. I think the pressure she had on herself wore her down. She never hated anyone for having kids. It just hurt her a lot.
With SIL, I can't say if she would be like this with anyone. But we're already not close so I feel like that's made it worse. She was fine with my husband and hasn't treated him differently. It's just me. But I know grief is very complicated and anger that comes from it can grow out of control.