Having a child can be so difficult. When this woman is sad for her SIL's failed IVF attempts and suggests a different route, she asks Reddit:
My Sister in Law (SiL) is currently undergoing IVF to have another child. As of now, this is her 9th failed cycle at attempting to get pregnant with her husband. The daughter she has now is from a previous marriage and she does not have a child with her current husband.
From what my wife tells me, he has issues with DNA fragmentation and that is likely the cause of the failed IVF transfers. Me and my wife are also going through IVF but we took a break after our 4th failed attempt and are considering our next move.
Since it is so costly we want to plan things out so I understand my SiL struggles but at least she has a child, since we have none.
My SiL and her husband came by to join us for dinner and just to talk. My SiL vented that she was just frustrated that she has to go through so many cycles and really wanted a child with her husband before 40 (they are both 39).
She mentioned they were saving up for IVF attempt number 10, so I mentioned as a suggestion that they save the money and either look at adoption or try donor sperm.
I also said since they are getting older it is going to get harder and I'd hate to see them go bankrupt and either of those routes might give them a child sooner. I did also mention that after 10 cycles it may not happen with IVF sadly.
Both the Sil and the husband looked at me quietly for minute, then the SiL said that I was a insensitive asshole for saying what I said. The husband mentioned that he wanted the experience with his own biological child.
I said that I was just making a suggestion for other options because I would hate to see them waste another 10k+ when donor sperm would increase their chances. I also said that if they choose to adopt or use donor sperm the husband will still be the father and blood relation isn't everything.
So, I did slip up and mentioned about his sperm issue because I was not supposed to know that. The husband asked how I knew the problem was him and not his wife, and he realized that my SiL told my wife so he said I was an asshole but also was mad at everyone for telling his private health issue.
The SiL got up and left because she was mad at me for my comment and mad at my wife for telling me her husband's sperm issue. My wife is mad at me now because I mentioned the sperm issue and then suggested adoption or donor sperm.
Am I the asshole for mentioning adoption or using donor sperm to my SiL and her husband? I really didn't want to see them waste another 10k on something that may never happen.
YTA. I believe that you meant well, but respectfully do you really think you offered anything of value advice wise? I mean surely those are options they knew about as well. If they wanted to go in that direction they would.
NTA. I can tell by the way you phrased your post that you all care for each other. This is two couples who each want children and are going through or recently went through IVF.
The issues that cause the need for IVF vary; you’re all coming at it from different perspectives but you’re all dealing with the same pain. It’s possible that it came out more condescending than intended.
I feel like if they aren’t shy about saying they’ve gone through NINE rounds of IVF (9?! 😱) then there have been lots of people who have commented behind their backs “is it him or her that’s the problem?”
So if they’re going to openly lament to their family when the purpose of the dinner was to talk, they can hardly be mad that you said what you said. I’m sorry everyone is mad and blaming you. Everyone is hurting and I think you said the right thing at the wrong time so they’re all blaming you.
Just be the bigger person and apologize for overstepping. They’ll come around and apologize for jumping your shit in time.
YTA. This wasn’t your place to say ANYTHING. A licensed obgyn is providing her with health advice, if the OBGYN had no hope they wouldn’t keep doing cycles. When and if they come to a decision it is none of your business and you have no right saying it unprovoked they didn’t ask for your opinion.