When this woman tells her partner that Christmas is a dealbreaker, she asks Reddit:
My (24F) partner (24NB) and I are looking to move in together, and when we met back in 2021, I made it clear that my faith is very important to me, and that one of the few true dealbreakers in a relationship would be someone who couldn’t support that.
I don’t ask my partner to come to Shabbos services with me, and would never expect (or want) them to convert, but it shapes a lot about me.
I feel that I’ve already compromised quite a bit-- despite my meat allergy (long story, weird enzyme deficiency) and desire to have a kosher kitchen, I am okay with them having meat in the house so long as it isn’t a pork product, which they are completely on board with.
Last year, we celebrated what I like to call “Jewish December 25th” by going to the movies, playing board games with friends, and just relaxing in the same space. No tree, no twinkly lights, no gifts-- it was wonderful.
However, as we look towards moving in together, they’ve talked about us celebrating Xmas together. I know they like the holiday, and enjoy watching the movies or celebrating with their family. But I thought I had made it clear that a future with me was a future w/o Santa Claus.
I know there are lots of Jewish people who don’t mind celebrating, or even enjoy it! I’m just not one of them. They insist that it isn’t a religious holiday for them (they’re agnostic), but it is a religious holiday, whether they like it or not.
I feel that I’m already lambasted by that damn music/holiday/reminder that this culture doesn’t care for or consider me 24/7 from November onwards. The last place I want to deal with that is in my home!
Additionally, I know that the pressure will fall to me to decorate/prepare. Last year, when they lived alone, they didn’t put up any decorations or host events, but now they’re talking about how nice it is to have a tree, etc.
Of the two of us, I’m the one who would do any holiday related activities or prep. It would be one thing if they wanted to set up a small, unobtrusive tree in the living room or office space, but they want the full experience.
It doesn’t feel fair for me to have to dedicate so much time and money to a holiday that I actively don’t want to celebrate!
On top of all this, gift-giving is a love language for me, and I strive to give meaningful gifts that relate deeply to who someone is as a person-- last year, I got them a signed 1st edition copy of their favorite book, and they got me a FunkoPop.
I know it’s a petty thing, but I don’t want to put forth all that time and effort only to get something that I don't want.
And finally; my family did celebrate when I was a kid, until my father passed away. 15 years ago.
I have spent the bulk of my life not celebrating, and we only ever celebrated for him) less than a month after his last Xmas, and since then the holiday has never felt fun. I’m happier not celebrating, and don’t see why I should need to when the rest of the world will be celebrating with my partner.
It's kind of something that makes me want to break up with them.
Am I the asshole for not wanting Xmas to be in our home, even though my partner loves it?
YTA - I understood your situation but then flipped when you said “a future with me is a future without Santa Claus.” Your partner is making a lot of compromises for your faith, you can’t make one compromise for their faith/family traditions?
I was completely on board until the part of her dad passing. This isn’t a religious, non religious decision. It’s a trauma based one. And OP is taking it out on her partner. OP you need therapy to dive into why Xmas bothers you so much.
Cause everything you said up until the very end was just an excuse. It clearly just reminds you of your father.
NTA. They made it very clear what their boundaries are about this holiday, and that this is one holiday they do not feel comfortable observing in any way, shape, or form.
Their reasons are valid, and their communication was clear. If celebrating this holiday is a dealbreaker for their partner, then they are not compatible. OP's boundaries haven't changed; their partner has just assumed that they can wear them down over time.
That makes their partner the asshole.