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Woman confronts mom after she excludes son from daughter's birthday party. UPDATED 3X

Woman confronts mom after she excludes son from daughter's birthday party. UPDATED 3X

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It's ridiculous for an adult to hold a grudge against a small child, but that doesn't always stop people from doing it.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a mom asked if she was wrong for calling a little girl's mother to see why her son was excluded from her birthday. She wrote:

"WIBTA if I called a little girl's mother to ask why my son wasn’t invited to her birthday?"

I (28F) have twin 5-year-old boys Jude and Jonah. They go to a private Jewish kindergarten where it’s very customary to invite the whole class to birthday parties, it might even be a school rule but I don’t think I’m going to take this to the school.

Jude and Jonah are very well-mannered and reserved, obviously, I’m biased but they’ve always gotten along with all of their peers and have never gotten into any drama. Jude is definitely a slow reader and we’ve gotten him a tutor but it’s still been very hard for him. At our synagogue, the bathroom signs just say men and women with no little picture and they are single bathrooms.

Two weekends ago Jude walked into the women’s by accident and I guess the door wasn’t locked correctly because he walked in on this woman named Jess who is the mother of a little girl in his class. He says he just saw her on the toilet and ran out, closed the door, and said sorry. Jude immediately came up to me and told me and he was very embarrassed.

I told him it wasn’t a big deal and he should just remember to knock next time and the longer word says women. He said he will and that he thought it would be a stalled bathroom like most public bathrooms and that’s fair so I left it there. Jess came up to talk to me after and told me like he needed to be punished, she said it was extremely inappropriate.

I assured her he didn’t know and wouldn’t do it again but she said there’s “no way he can’t read men and women” and that her daughter can and told me I had to nip this behavior in the bud. I often feel talked down to because of my age by other parents at the school so I just said I would take care of it and left it there. On Friday her daughter was handing out birthday invites and gave one to Jonah, not Jude.

They both asked her why and she said her mom said not to give him one and wouldn’t tell her why. Jude cried the whole rest of the day and wouldn’t tell anyone why because he doesn’t want to be a tattle-tale. I asked Jude if anything else had happened between the 2 of them and he promised me it didn’t and said they’ve even been playing together at recess this whole last week.

And her daughter was trying to cheer him up by suggesting ways to sneak him in. I’m honestly livid, I wouldn’t care if she had given neither of them an invite but giving one twin and not the other is incredibly rude and passive-aggressive. I’m considering calling her and talking about it because I think it’s ridiculous to hold this much of a grudge against a 5-year-old. Would that make me an AH?

Should I just decline Jonah's invite? I think the birthday rule is silly and it’s her choice who she invites but this is just ridiculous.

Edit: Synagogue and School are 2 separate places, but there’s a lot of overlap with the people. Also, I’m not planning on sending either of them to the party at the moment, but I’m considering calling her to confront her about it rather than just having this weird dynamic where I’m hearing things from Jude that come from her kid that come from her.

People had lots of thoughts about the situation.

Nervous_Routine_870 wrote:

NTA. I think the friend's mom is being overly dramatic and petty about the whole situation. I think given all the factors (like no picture, he's 5 yrs old, etc) are enough to show that the bathroom incident was a simple mistake that could have happened to any kid in similar circumstances. The initial conversation with the mom where she said you have to punish your son seemed weird to me.

Had the girl only been friends with one of your sons, maybe the party invite would have been more understandable. But here, it seems the girl is friends with both of your sons, and the party invite was just the mom being ultra petty about the bathroom incident.

Strain_Pure wrote:

YWNBTA. But you will be wasting your time since the reason he was excluded is pretty obvious. It's a disgraceful, sh#$ty, and downright petty thing to do to a wean because of an accident, but she's throwing the party so it's her choice.

The best thing I can suggest is you take both your weans for a day out instead of letting just one attend the party, I'd also suggest maybe getting Jude tested for Dyslexia because that might be why he's having issues reading or change the way he's learning because not all methods work the same way.

(I was taught to read in an unusual way and it resulted in me reading way above my age group, it also resulted in me being a heavy reader to the point where I was once reading 7 to 8 books a week).

And OP responded:

He just started with a reading tutor, they said it could be dyslexia since that’s the only area he struggles in but he’s learning faster one-on-one and they think he’ll be all caught up by first grade so we aren’t too concerned about it just yet.

TheHobbyWaitress wrote:

YWNBTA. Normally, if you're excluding members of the class, you would Not hand invitations out at school. There is probably a school rule stating this. This is when evite, emails, USPS, text or a phone call are expected to be used. Personally, I'd speak to the teacher. There is No Way they did not know why your son was upset. They had to have seen the invitations being handed out.

They should speak to the woman about how inappropriate & hurtful her behavior was towards a 5 year-old.

And OP responded:

I don’t really feel like talking to the school. I think the whole “everyone needs to be invited” rule is bs but I think it is crazy to invite one twin and not the other. Idk if their teacher knew why he was sad but he didn’t tell her so it’s not her fault.

icebraidgolem wrote:

The woman is obviously the AH. But I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by asking her why he isn't invited. You know why, and it's clear she is not going to be too embarrassed to repeat it.

After receiving lots of support, OP jumped on with a big update a little over a week later.

Hi everyone! Thank you everyone who responded to my last post. I tried my best to reply or at least upvote to every comment. I was happy to hear that I wasn’t the whole. But as far as advice went, I got a lot of mixed feedback. Some telling me to call Jess out. Some telling me there’s nothing I can do. Some telling me to host a party on the same day and invite all the kids in their class.

I decided to contact our rabbi whose wife is also the assistant principal of their school. They said they think talking with Jess and having a sit-down conversation is the best way to go. On Saturday, they asked Jess to stay after services to have a talk. It was the Rabbi, his wife, me, my wife, Jess and her ex.

The rabbi's wife explained that school policy says that you can either invite less than half of the class or the entire class and Jude was the only child not invited. Jess replied that Jude is horribly ill mannered and that’s why she didn’t want him at the party.

We all were curious to know if she had any other instances of his “bad manners” and she started listing that he likes running around and jumping off things (typical 5-year-old behavior) It was honestly comedic since anyone who’s spent any time with them 2 knows Jonah is by far the crazy one.

But anyway she couldn’t come up with any real examples of his bad behavior other than the bathroom incident which she horribly exaggerated since the last time we talked about it. The rabbi's wife said that the only way this could be a valid reason for the school board was if she filed a complaint with the synagogue and the school and then they would both investigate. So she caved and said they could both come.

And we said we would decide if we wanted to. Her ex came up to us as we were leaving (after not saying anything the whole meeting) he said not to come to the birthday party since Jess is going to be a momzilla and probably be an AH the whole time. We organized a play date for a few days after the party is planned at his house and he ensured the boys would get goody bags and cake.

Clearly, the most important things. Anyways good news all around, the boys are pretty much over it and they think we’re being drama queens. Anyways, thanks Reddit!

In the end, it all worked out for the best, that other mom just needed to be seriously called out.

Sources: Reddit
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