Woman confused by angry SIL, 'Why are you obsessed with my miscarriage?" AITA?

When this woman has a miscarriage and deals with a weird reaction from her SIL, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for telling my SIL, that the miscarriage was not a big deal?"

Okay, long story short. Last year, in February, I had a miscarriage. For me and my fiance, it was not really a big deal. We are not trying for kids rn and didn't even know I was pregnant.

I thought I was just having a really strong period, and if it wasn't for a coincidence that made me seek medical help, I would have never found out. It was super early, and I had run just a little late on the pregnancy.

It felt weird, but we moved on pretty quickly. We don't really tell anyone about this. It was kind of just a thing that happened.

But that was the reason for me to find a new OBGYN, and I did a bunch of tests and all that. She is amazing and a fertility specialist.

Last week, my fiance, his sister, her husband, and I were helping MIL renovate. My SIL asked me about doctor recommendations because they were moving to our city.

I gave her a bunch, including the OBGYN. Here she asked me why I changed Dr's. I told her. She said she was sorry to hear about the miscarriage and I thanked her and told her that it was actually no big deal for me, but prompted me to do a bunch of tests.

She became quiet, and we left it at that. Later that night, she came to me again and blew up a little. She said that it was very inconsiderate to say that a miscarriage was not a big deal, that I should not have said that. It was inconsiderate and cruel because she struggles to conceive and that these are "inside thoughts."

I apologized, but she is still super angry at me. I also mentioned to my husband jokingly, "your sister is obsessed with my miscarriage." Well I guess that got back to her and she's even angrier. I'm just joking around. I say it is just miscommunication. She said it was cruel. AITA for not just leaving the "no big deal" part away?

Let's see what readers thought.

tangerine8 writes:

NTA. She's angry that you disregarded her feelings, but it was your experience. She's disregarding your feelings here, and because it was about you, she's TA.

Very early miscarriages happen a lot. Throughout history, many women never even knew they were pregnant, and now many, like you, find out only by circumstance after the fact.

This is a personal reaction--and she doesn't get to dictate how you handle your own life.

Also, people have to realize that one person's fertility has nothing to do with anyone else's (except, I guess, the partner's). It's really not zero-sum; if you have 100 babies it won't change whether she does or doesn't. Sheesh. Let your fiance deal with his sister. She seems to just need someone to be angry at.

leopardess8 writes:

NTA. I am genuinely sorry for her struggles conceiving but this was about you, not her. She asked an honest question and got an honest answer.

Additionally, I actually think it is sensitive to be honest about your feelings. Miscarriages in certain contexts are shattering and heartbreaking and the sort of thing people generally offer support, care and condolences for.

This wasn't the case for you - for you, the pregnancy wasn't planned, expected, or even known about until after it had all happened. It meant more as a wake-up call to get tested and more invested in your reproductive health which is great.

Letting someone know that you're genuinely OK is respectful as it let's them know that it's not an area of sensitivity or pain for you where you need support to process what's happened. It would be worse to let them think you were hurting when you weren't.

nominatro639 writes:

NTA - You told her how your experience impacted you and your feelings about it. That's not wrong. Every person, and every pregnancy, is different. I had 3 miscarriages.

The first one messed me up for months. The next 2 weren't like the first, I barely had found out I was pregnant or only suspected I was pregnant. There was no baby to see or get attached to.

The hormone fluctuations sucked, but I wasn't devastated like my first one. Imo, you can tell her that you're sorry she's going through something that seems very difficult and you didn't intend to cause her pain when you shared your experience. You don't have to apologize for how you felt or for sharing when she asked.

cantimage0 writes:

NTA. You said "it's not a big deal TO ME". There's not much room for insensitivity there. Is a person struggling to have a child going to like hearing it? Generall, no, but their problems aren't your problems.

Not to mention, my wife and I have had a few miscarriages, and they all felt different. One was depressing, the next one we didn't feel much at all (lost it like a week after finding out), and then another was devastating (we kept waiting for it to die, then at 11 weeks we thought it was going to make it and felt indescribable relief and excitement, and then it all fell apart again).

All that to say, not everyone is going to feel bad about their miscarriage, and not everyone that feels bad about a miscarriage will feel bad about every miscarriage.

Hell, you could just as easily argue that she was insensitive by bringing up her struggle to conceive to someone that had a miscarriage.