Woman corrects in-laws; tells them to RESPECT THEIR GRANDKIDS. AITA?
When this woman feels guilty about upsetting her in-laws, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for correcting my ILs and telling them to respect their grandkids better?"
I (39f) have been married to Adam (43m) for 5 years now. Adam has two living children with his late wife Bex. Thea (15) and Jace (13). When Adam and I first met Bex had passed away 11 months before. We met through friends and did not date for several months.
I met the kids as a friend during that time and when our relationship turned romantic they were told by Adam and we involved them in how we progressed.
Adam and I spoke about my role prior to going too far. He said the kids were worried I would try to be their mom or that I would be more involved than him, because their friends said stepmoms take over.
We reassured them that would not happen and I take the role of backup but not primary parent. My husband takes the role of bad guy. I can be good guy. But we keep communication open.
The kids asked if they could say I was their dad's girlfriend/wife instead of stepmom and I was perfectly fine with that. I told them they could call me anything they wanted as long as it wasn't Miss Jones or ma'am lol.
I'm fully comfortable being dad's wife because I get to have a good relationship with the kids that is genuine and they know I love them and I know they love me, even without the more parental titles.
Ever since I gave birth to my two boys 3 years and 18 months ago, my ILs have been bothered by the dad's wife title and have raised concerns. Adam spoke to them and told them we were all good with it.
But they didn't listen and recently said to Thea and Jace that I am their mom or if they must, their stepmom. But I am the mom they have now. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
lalunadomina writes:
NAH, but it doesn't really sound like anyone thinks you are an AH. You decided to accept this role in their life without requiring more, and your inlaws who are looking at this from a different perspective don't understand it.
They need to realize that their input is fine, but their judgement is not, and you need to realize they probably just feel like "Dad's Wife" is a demeaning title, or that the kids need a mom. I applaud you for listening to the kids, though.
Since they did not listen to Adam I decided to correct them and I said actually, I'm their dad's wife and it doesn't offend or hurt my feelings in any way and I told them they have two awesome grandkids and should consider respecting them more and hearing them out. My ILs were not impressed with me lol. AITA?
cosmicbeauty writes:
NTA! Your relationship with the kids is your own. Their relationship to their grandkids is their own. They don't get to dictate how you relate to the people in your household. They're (step-kids) old enough to have their own opinions and feelings despite what Nana & Pop Pop think.
You're not their mother. They do have a mother who happens to be deceased. How they choose to honor that is also not up for debate by the in laws. Sounds like they weren't that fond of Bex from the get-go.
In laws should also be minding the business that pays them instead of yours. NTA at all. Also sounds like a very healthy dynamic where the kids are respected and now have new siblings to grow with. Best of luck to you all.
newrobe writes:
NTA. It's refreshing to hear this after so many stories of people trying to push themselves or their partners on grieving kids as "new parent". Even though they called you their dad's wife, they will love and respect you so much more than many a stepmom.
Good for you for respecting and enforcing their boundaries!! You are doing everything right. The inlaws trying to pretend that their trauma never happened are going to pay the price in the relationship with the grandkids. It's sad, but sometimes you lose a parent. And pretending it didn't happen doesn't help anyone.