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Woman ghosts postpartum friend after she says, 'Your husband needs therapy, not a wife.' AITA?

Woman ghosts postpartum friend after she says, 'Your husband needs therapy, not a wife.' AITA?

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When this woman is fed up with her postpartum friend's attitude, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for not visiting my postpartum friend after she said my husband needs therapy and not a wife?"

My (24F) estranged best friend "Sierra" (26F) gave birth to her daughter a week ago. We've been friends since we were both in elementary school, because her family did a lot of volunteer work for foster kids like myself, and would often invite me over when I was hungry.

I always thought I'd be with Sierra when she gave birth. But it's a lie to say that our friendship hasn't been strained as of late.

Because Sierra hates my husband. At first I thought she was disagreeing with how my last foster parents, who were devout " Mormons" (LDS) told me to approach marriage.

My foster mom told me it's special because unlike everything else in life, you are just chosen by somebody for some inexplicable reason, and nobody else knows what makes you stand out over all the other options they have except that person.

I definitely felt that " magic" with my current husband of a year. Which is why I always felt guilty when Sierra would express her dislike. My husband says that friends do that when you can't be as available to them, so they hate the new spouse.

My husband lost his wife and mother of his four kids 3 years ago. He told her to not go out driving at night but he wasn't there to stop her when she drove to get medicine. They were already at a point where she was nearly an ex wife due to her anger and rudeness. But she was hit by a drunk driver.

I used to drive ok, but am not the best driver. My husband has always employed people for his house and business and he's asked that I let somebody drive me for both of our peace of mind. Sierra is unhappy at that, even though I supported her over the phone when she was pregnant.

But I'd feel bad if the employees have to come running if I want to get coffee with a friend. I've also lost confidence in my ability to drive and react if there's a drunk driver. I am also upset she'd take the side of my stepkids and even his late ( though almost ex wife due to her anger).

My husband's kids are also upset claiming that when my husband is telling me it's weird I cut meat with my left hand or to get interested in this activity, it's because their mom was right handed and liked to do this activity.

Sierra would take the kids' side even though it hurt me so much to hear that her imply my husband does not love me for me. My husband's late wife left behind tons of expensive beautiful clothes.

My husband told me it was too wasteful to throw out and told me to have it. My stepkids blew up at that even though all I was trying to do was not be so ungrateful. Sierra was very mad and said she never thought she'd say this but my husband needs therapy, and not a wife.

And that she's sorry but we both need to be single because he's going to punish me for not living up to his dead wife.

I've since dodged her calls. I've spent most of my time just pursuing my interests at home and Spending time with my husband.

Sierra gave birth without me but afterwards called for me to be there. But I am still very angry that she would say my marriage should just end. AITA?

Then, OP offers this lengthy update:

I don't think feeling lucky that he saw something in me is a bad thing. I don't get why I'm demonized for that. I've been treated as a burden by most of the people who were paid to at least pretend I was otherwise my whole life.

He decided to invest in me emotionally, and get to really know me and my strengths, encourage me to better myself even though out of everybody, he's the only one who hasn't been given a paycheck to care.

I'd like to politely disagree. I wasn't LDS my whole life, but I just keep thinking about how my husband, who is the more rational one in our relationship nevertheless chose me when he had many other (and better in my opinion) options. But it was like we met and he said I was the one.

I don't think lightening like that will strike twice. Like my foster mom would explain it like- when you read a book you eventually get tired of the book. But the touch of a spouse, feeling him hug you the same way every day- that never becomes old and that is what makes love different.

And you can't just manufacture that- if we weren't together I feel I'd never get that romance and love with anybody because it's special like that.

I'd like to politely disagree. I wasn't LDS my whole life, but I just keep thinking about how my husband, who is the more rational one in our relationship nevertheless chose me when he had many other ( and better in my opinion) options. But it was like we met and he said I was the one.

I don't think lightening like that will strike twice. Like my foster mom would explain it like- when you read a book you eventually get tired of the book. But the touch of a spouse, feeling him hug you the same way every day- that never becomes old and that is what makes love different.

And you can't just manufacture that- if we weren't together I feel I'd never get that romance and love with anybody because it's special like that.

cassaowry7 writes:

YTA, sorry. Yeah, your foster mother created this Cinderella fantasy in your head and you don't see the cage your husband built around you because of its lush furnishings. Maybe Sierra doesn't like your husband because what he's doing is genuinely creepy and controlling and now you are even more isolated than before.

Go see your friend. Take driving lessons and get your confidence back. Don't live in a dead woman's shadow, create a relationship that works for you.

freijan writes:

It kind of sounds like there are a lot of issues with your husband. You are 24 and don't say how long you have been married for, but your husband is old enough to have 4 kids with his late wife who are old enough to "blow up" at different things and are noticing and pointing out peculiarities to you.

Your husband is old enough that he is established with what sounds like a very productive business if he can afford to hire drivers and other help workers. It sounds like there is a pretty significant age mismatch here.

You stress multiple times that he was about to leave his late wife due to issues that were completely on her, but where are you getting that information from? Just your husband? So you just have one side of the story to go off of?

I would bet there was significant challenges that his ex went through that he is not telling you about whether due to being oblivious or intentionally making himself look better is anyone's guess.

But couple this with the age thing and it's striking me as him having control issues. Especially if he didn't give you any details and just says that she had anger issues and was rude.

Some people would consider it rude if their wife doesn't obey their every command. If that's what he is actually saying here, then you have some problems.

Also, how you are saying your friend is "taking the side of his late (though almost ex wife due to her anger)". That is not a thing. The woman is dead. She doesn't have a side to take.

Your friend is just seeing that your husband is throwing up some red flags here that you are not seeing. I can sympathize since it sounds like you grew up with nothing and now this guy is giving you stability, but you definitely need to be objective here and determine for yourself if stability is worth the potential issues that WILL come up in the future.

For some people, it will be worth it and that is for you to decide. But you should come to that decision consciously.

rgwfun writes:

So that was a terribly rude thing for your friend to say but based on what you said I think there’s some truth to her words. Let me share why.

He lost his ex 3 years ago, and you have already been married 1 year. Presumably you dated a little before you married. So that’s what, 1 or 1.5 years of being single between the death of a spouse and having a new spouse?

I don’t care if they were on the cusp of divorce, that’s just not enough time to heal from all the damage in that relationship. And of course healing from grief.

You can tell this guy isn’t done healing because instead of uplifting and enabling you, he is instead controlling you as a way of controlling his fears. He won’t let you drive because someone bad happened to someone else. That’s not nurturing, it’s controlling and maladaptive, even if well-intended.

As for the stepkids, they don’t like you because they know this whole relationship is a rebound. I don’t know if I understood you correctly but it sounds like they said their dad doesn’t authentically love you, and I would agree due to the rebounding issue.

Also, please exercise a little common sense and do NOT wear their dead mom’s clothes. Sorry but if my mom died and some new b&tch took her clothes, I would literally fight people. That’s really not okay.

Still, your friend I think crossed a line by talking about your spouse that way when you were not open to receiving that kinda feedback. Unless you’re in danger or something then friends shouldn’t be saying things like that.

walkindreamland writes:

YTA. You’re wearing his dead wife’s clothing around kids who miss their mother. What the hell is wrong with you two? That’s awful.

Your friend is right. Also, not letting you drive? You’ve lost all your driving skill because your husband is controlling you based on what happened to his wife. He needs therapy, not a wife who prances around in a dead mother’s clothing. Yikes.

EDIT: Given how you refuse to answer the question though it’s been asked repeatedly, I’m betting your weirdo husband is at least a decade older than you.

He’s trying to turn you into his dead wife. He wants you to wear her clothes, get involved with her hobbies, wants you to be right-handed, and won’t let you drive because of what happened to her.

If this is something you actually like, you’re either a blind idiot, or a twisted sicko who needs therapy just as much as he does.

Have you seen pictures of her? How many similarities are there? How long until he wants you to dye or cut your hair like hers? He’s already got you wearing her clothes.

He didn’t choose you because of inspiration from god or love at first sight, he picked you to turn you into his dead wife. Do you seriously not see how awful this is? It’s like you’re gathering red flags like Pokémon.

See a therapist solo and talk to her about all of this. Or enjoy being Dead Wife 2.0. Because that’s all you’ll be.

carolinamama writes:

YTA, and you're brainwashed. He wants you to be his not ex wife they were still married first off. Get that through your head, and he told her not to drive? hmmm, sounds controlling to me, but you'd probably get offended at that. She died not from her driving when her husband told her nkt to she died from another person's actions of drinking and driving.

It wasn't something she did wrong. It wasn't her anger that killed her it was an impaired driver. So stop acting like you are better than her cause you blindly listen to everything your husband says.

If your friend is smart, she will realize you need therapy and keep you and your husband away from her child.

realistichead09 writes:

YTA, maybe too young to see the big picture here. Your friend's concerns for you seem valid to me. You are you, and should in no way be living in the shadow of a dead woman. I suspect your need to "belong" makes your husband's bizarre behaviors feel like love.

I'm not sure what they are, frankly, but they are at least in part not reasonable. He DOES need counseling and I wish that had happened before you married him. I also wish you'd seek some counseling for yourself to work out issues you surely have with coming out of the foster system. Good luck to you.

Looks like the jury's out. What do YOU think?

Sources: Reddit
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