Woman goes to EX-FIL'S funeral AGAINST daughter's wishes. AITA? UPDATED.
When this woman defies her daughter's wishes during a sensitive family matter, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for going to my ex FIL’s funeral, against my daughter’s wishes?"
After readers weigh in, OP, Independent_Cut_8674 offers an interesting response...
I (55f) have 1 daughter, Sam (27f). Her father (57m) and I have been separated for 19 years and officially divorced for 12.
Sam’s relationship with her father is awful, she has been trying to cut him out of her life for 15 years and he has been harassing her pretty much the whole time, he was unreliable, unemotional, verbally abusive and quite narcissistic in childhood.
He is the youngest and only boy in his family and therefore in his family’s eyes he can do absolutely no wrong, he knows this and will change every narrative to make sure he’s never in the wrong.
Because of this, Sam’s relationship with her paternal grandparents and aunts greatly soured and she hasn’t had contact with them for those 15 years.
However, 6 months ago she decided to allow her grandparents back into her life because her grandmother is dying of lung cancer. Things have been tense as they keep trying to manipulate her into letting her father back into her life.
She has declined. Unfortunately her grandmother died 2 weeks ago, and her funeral was last week.
My daughter needed emotional support at the funeral, I offered to go with her but she said she didn’t want me specifically to go as her entire family hates my guts and our relationship isn’t brilliant either. My mother agreed to go with her instead, who she is much closer to.
I decided to go anyway, for extra support as we all expected a lot of drama and confrontation (which did happen). My daughter was extremely unhappy with me, and gave me a few choice words after the funeral, as did my mother. She hasn’t spoken to me since.
My sister, mother and uncles are on Sam’s ‘side’ my friends, father and brother think I meant well and did the right thing. I’m starting to feel guilty and doubt my decision, AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
rumpeteaser writes:
YTA - You didn’t respect her boundaries in a very emotional time. As her mother there were other ways to provide support without physically showing up. You could have stayed at a restaurant or bookstore near the funeral location.
You could have stayed at her place and had comfort food and fuzzy pajamas waiting. You could have offered to drive but stay in the car. A million ways to provide support.
Instead you showed up knowing it would cause drama and knowing your daughter asked you not to solely to avoid said drama. She’s not 10, she’s 27 and more than capable of determining what, if any, support she needs and who provides it.
As her mother, it’s your job to respect that - she’s not a kid who doesn’t know what’s best or what she wants.
OP offers this update:
Have you ever considered that maybe if he was abusive towards her, he was abusive and in more ways towards me too? I was so reliant on him, I thought that we needed him and he liked it that way, I didn’t realise that I was in an abusive relationship until after in therapy.
Do you often ask people In abusive relationships why they don’t “just leave”? It’s not even close to that simple.
misskelly8 writes:
Yta. I can see why she prefers other ppl rather than you. She told you that she did not want you specifically to go. She accepted her grandmother going instead so you felt better abt her having support but you couldn't leave it alone.
She just lost her grandma & you trample all over the boundaries she put down like they meant nothing. Drama.