Here's the story:
We have an 11 month old daughter. My husband has always said that he wanted a close age gap between kids, “2 under 2” type. So right around when she turned 8 months, he wanted to start trying for baby #2.
I’m not ready to have another baby yet. I want to give my body more time to recover and to just be myself without being pregnant for a bit. We’re still young and have plenty of time to have kids- I don’t get what the rush is. I’ve tried to tell him this multiple times but it goes nowhere, he kept insisting/pressuring me.
So for the past 3 months, I’ve been taking birth control without him knowing. I feel bad, and it’s hard to hide it when we’re with each other all the time. Obviously I’ll stop taking it when I’m ready, but for the time being I feel like it’s what’s best for me and intend on sticking with it.
I’m unsure if I should keep doing it in secret or tell him about what I’ve been doing. I don’t know what his reaction would be and don’t want to cause bigger problems.
I want to address some comments I’ve been seeing a lot of. I don’t want to leave my husband, I think it could be salvageable with counseling. He hasn’t always been this pushy about it, it just started recently.
Before having kids, I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I don’t know where it all went wrong. He has an age gap with his brother and they ended up not being close, so I think he’s paranoid of that happening with our child(ren).
I really do love him and I want to make things work, especially for our daughter’s sake of having stable parents. I am going to try to get a note from my doctor, so maybe if he hears it from someone other than me, he will stop nagging. I also do not want to get an IUD or an implant.
My biggest fear is that he may tamper with my birth control if he found out, but this might be an irrational fear on my part- I’m not sure if he actually would. I’m not scared of him getting physically violent as he never has.
Do you think it's okay that your husband doesn't respect your feelings about this?
Yes, at 23, not being heard by your husband when you say "I had a baby less than one year ago, I need more time" and having to lie is concerning.
Why can't you be honest with the one person who you should be able to? It's a huge red flag that he won't listen to your opinion on this and is barreling forward with only what he wants.
If it's safe to do so, you need to sit him down and tell him that as long as your wishes on this are not being listened to, you won't have another baby. And if you don't feel safe having such a conversation then you and your daughter need to leave safely.
…and it takes a couple years for your body to get back to a healthy level. He is so wrong.
I always see "2 under 2" as shorthand for "I'm mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted so don't expect anything from me besides survival."
Most OBGYN’s recommend waiting at least 18 mos after birth before trying for another pregnancy. To be frank, the fact that he is pressuring you instead of honoring your wishes with regards to the use of your body is to me, abusive behavior. The fact that you have to hide BC is sad. I wouldn’t have another baby with him at all. I’d be out.
If you feel reproductively coerced by your partner, yes, do what you need to have control over your body. But also do something about the fact that you’re being reproductively coerced. Insistence and pressure to have sex isn’t just part of marriage. You know what it is.
And Constant_Cultural said:
I would switch to an implant, with that you have a lot of control and he can't find your pills by mistake. But in general it's kinda sad that you can't say what you really want in front of him.