Ableism is rampant and far too normalized.
People with visible disabilities often get used to people staring at them, looking past them as if they don't exist, or worse yet - hurling ugly words at them. The one place people should ideally be safe is at home with family.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for kicking out her daughter after hearing what she said about her disabled uncle. She wrote:
For context, my brother, L (31) is disabled, he was born with a condition that made him born without a chin/jaw. He is genuinely my (40F) best friend. Our mother died last month, it hit L the hardest because she was his carer. She had cancer, so we had time to discuss any wishes that my mother had, one of them was that when she died I let my brother live with me, I agreed.
I got an extension added on to the side of our house for my brother, so he would have his own space and I could always look out for him. Our family has always been close with L, he would stay with us when my mother was away. My son (11) adores him and they're always doing fun things together like sports and gaming.
I also thought my daughter B (20) got along with L, they often have Mario Kart tournaments together and L has even convinced me and my husband to give her a bit more independence. Two nights ago B came home late from a party with her friend. I always stay up when B is out to make sure she got home okay.
I heard her come into the house with her friend and I heard B say "we need to be quiet so we don't wake my r sl*r uncle up." I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. Me and my husband have never raised our kids to say such things. That comment just took me back to when me and L were younger and me defending him against all the horrible people that would stare and make fun of him.
I got up out of bed and I asked my daughter to repeat what she said. I could tell from the look on her face that she didn't think I'd hear that. I asked how she could say something so cruel about her own uncle. That this is not how she was raised and at 20 she should know how awful that is, and if she thought saying that to her friend made her look cool she was wrong, that she made herself look like an insecure b*lly.
She didn't apologize, she just said that nobody was meant to hear that and it's not a big deal. I asked B's friend if her parents are okay with her having friends stay over. She said yes so I told B to leave and stay at her friend's house. B said I'm meant to take her side, that I'm her mother, I told her I have been L's sister longer than I've been a mother.
B didn't think I was serious, I've always been a calm parent and I have never told her to leave the house before. I had every intention of having B back home, but she needed to learn a lesson that I meant that behaviour would not be tolerated. I apologised to B's friend for being in the middle and I gave her cash to cover the cab to her house.
I called B yesterday, hoping she understood how out of line she was, she didn't. She was unhappy that I took L's side over hers. I told her to come home so we could discuss this properly but she refused. I have been in touch with her friend and B is still staying with her, so at least she's safe. My husband said I was too harsh, but there's still that protective big sister rage in me. AITA?
Heloise_Morris made a salient point:
NTA for defending your brother but your daughter is an adult. She doesn't have to come home.
I know I'm just worried, if she wants to leave after this she's free to do so, but I want to make sure that it's done properly and will benefit her long term. I know she's an adult but I love her and I want her to be okay.
Yes your daughter was out of order and cruel, but you openly told her you choose your brother over her. Maybe she was feeling insecure with him being there more you spending less time together. You did say he’s your best friend. You rejected her and threw her out in the middle of the night. I hope you manage to fix things.
The real mark of character is what you'll say and do when you think no one is watching.
"No one was supposed to hear that"
Bulls#$t, her friend was. She absolutely intended for her friend to hear it, at the very least.
Translation: I know this is a sh#$ty thing to say, and that if most people heard this, I would be marked as a bad person, but since I didn't think you would hear me being awful, I didn't think I'd experience any consequences."
NTA, but be prepared for your daughter to be angry about this for a while. I'd also be willing to bet this isn't the first time she's used that slur, it was way too comfortable. If she decides to permanently move out because of this, that's her choice... but she probably won't look kindly on you saying you're concerned for her well-being.
ESH your daughter for obvious reasons and you for “I stay up when my adult daughter is out just to make sure she’s safe…the I kick her out of the house! I’ve only been her mother for 20 years” good lord.
ESH - kicking your daughter out of the house in the middle of the night seems like an overreaction.
"We'll discuss this in the morning" would have been appropriate and probably would have given your daughter enough grace and time to realize her mistake. But you went nuclear and now you're going to have to live with the fallout.
NTA. You didn’t ‘take L’s side’. That implies there was an argument he was involved in. She insulted him in an ableist way for no reason! There isn’t a side to pick!
NTA. People are really telling on themselves with how cool easily they take the r word. What about N word? Would that not warrant some rage? She's an adult. And this is a very softest "kicking out." It was more like "I'm so digusted with you right now, you need to stay at your friend's. Here's some money for an Uber, *ADULT*."
She tried to manipulate by saying you should pick her side just because she is your daughter. Pick her side in calling her uncle the R-word? In context, your response was not that outrageous. You didn't say you loved him more, you just called her bs in that he is also important to you and just because of who she is to you, you aren't going to stand for that kind of behavior.
You're allowed to be angry. I know on Reddit, anger is an emotion no one is allowed to show, but if there is any time it is warranted, it's in defending someone who is more vulnerable than yourself. And she still isn't apologizing, she's still trying to make it about you "picking him" versus the cruel thing she said. Don't give into that crap.
You can apologize about your outburst, but she needs to admit what she said was disgusting. She's 20, not 10. Even at 10 I would never have thought to call a disabled family member the R-word. It's such repulsive behavior and poor character. The coddling I am seeing here is ridiculous.
YTA. Kicking your daughter out at night, even if she had a place to stay, doesn’t help the clear resentment she has towards both you or your brother. Your words on your brother show you care more about him than your own daughter.
You’ve shown it in how you redid your house to accommodate him. Instead of changing your house to accommodate him at your mother’s request, you both should have taken his disability into account, how much care he needs, and gotten him a proper place of his own with a proper, certified caregiver instead.
The internet is surprisingly divided on this one, which means we need you to weigh in with your thoughts.