Woman lashes out at MIL when she sleep trains her newborn,'You F~~d up all your kids; you won't F~ up mine!' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this young mom is criticized for parenting her newborn a certain way and lashes out at her MIL, she asks Reddit:
"AITA For telling my MIL she ruined all her kids?"
I (23F) had my son four months ago. My mom and my husbands mom are polar opposites in every way, but especially in child rearing. They hate each other. Both parenting methods are fine, but just from viewing their kids, I will be following my moms method.
To the issue at hand. I do not bedshare with my son directly, but his crib mattress is on the floor and I have a single mattress about a foot away. I can reach him and he sleeps through now. If you put him in his crib he will scream until he vomits. If I manage to get him in asleep he will only stay asleep for maybe 15-20 min.
My MIL f-ing hates it. My husband agreed when he realised it made him sleep through, although he wasn't a fan at first.
I don't have an issue with our current arrangement. Whenever he is ready he will move to my mattress and we will adapt from there.
Every single time we see my MIL she's telling us we need to sleep train. I am often telling my husband to deal with her but she won't listen to a damn thing she says.
Yesterday I lost it with her. She came over to see him and I went to put him in his sling for a nap and she gave her disapproving sigh and asked if she could put him down in his crib.
I agreed. She's constantly telling us that he'll go to sleep in there with just a little work. I know he won't, but I decided to let her see for herself.
She went and put him in his crib, he started screaming, I ran to go get him but she held his door closed so I couldn't get in. She told me he needed to cry for a little bit but then he would go to sleep.
I managed to pry her off the door and grab him. I fed him to calm him down, which started off a whole other spiel from her.
In the end I turned around and told her that she doesn't get to f- my kid up too. She was a little shocked, so I continued, and told her that she f-d up all her kids and she was and is a sh&tty mom. She needs to leave my kid alone and stop trying to give me parenting advice that I'm not going to follow.
She started crying and my husband "stepped in" and asked her to leave. He then told me I was overstepping and should have let him deal with it, she's only trying to help, etc.
I responded by telling him that he never does enough and if he's going to try and defend her he can leave too. He didn't leave straight away, but did go at some point in the next hour.
I left to the bedroom so baby could sleep and I could call my mom. She came over, with my sister, and we had a good evening. They insisted I was well within my rights as his mom to say what I said. However I am aware that they hate my MIL and may not be the most nuanced.
My husband told our friends who are pretty evenly split, but I know that this also plays into their personal parenting opinions too. So I come here for true (hopefully unbiased) judgement. I'm at a loss with the whole situation. AITA?
Then, OP provides her first update:
My man is f-d up as all hell because of his mom and he knows it. He says it himself often enough. This isn't a big thing for him. My mom was a single mom to three by the time she was 24 and then chose to have three more as a single mom. Woman was NOT playing! She has gone to war for us over the years lol.
Then, OP adds another update about her child's sleep:
He has his own room. He will move himself when he feels ready (which is how my mom did it). He won't be in with me forever. I don't mean her specifically, but I was just saying the things she did are fine. Like, in case there are other parents here who sleep trained, formula fed, etc. I didn't want them to think I was s-ng on them.
Also, He's been to the pediatrician several times. He's had blood work and a sleep study. He's just clingy.
My brother was the same and is autistic so my mom thinks my son might be autistic but obviously he's way too little to know. They all have pretty severe mental health issues related to attachment, and my husband has divulged a lot of info about his mom & childhood that make me believe it was her.
Then, OP provides a third update:
She was insisting he would go to sleep if we just put him down in his crib. I wanted her to see that he wouldn't. She is very invasive. I didn't want her to know but she came over while I was out.
His pediatrician is aware and is tracking his milestones! He's going in for a little check over on Monday. He is still mostly a potato. I love my husband. We talk about his mom a lot. I will apologise but honestly he says the same shit. It was just a high stress situation.
Let's see what readers thought.
emjennings writes:
NTA for the situation at hand. HOWEVER: Yes, sleep training is important. And please never ever ever ever ever put your infant in bed with you. It's not only insanely dangerous, it's also counter productive.
Having a child sleep in their own bed in their own room is important. This is something that -needs- to be taught and it needs to be taught early. I strongly advise you to seek out information about how to handle sleep separation sooner rather than later.
As a sidenote: I get the protective momma bear thing that kicked into gear, but by telling your MIL she f-d up all her children, you're effectively calling your child's father a f up. If he's f-d up that much, I suggest separating now before the child is aware how you truly feel about the father.
You gotta either work sh& out with your husband, or you gotta break up. You can't sit there and effectively say he's fucked up while happily trying to play house.
rakny7 writes:
YTA for the shitty things you said about her as a mother. You placed judgment on her, the sane thing you don’t want from her. You insulted her, your husband, and his siblings.
However, she has no say in how you mother your child. Your husband has a say in the rearing of his child. Your baby’s at a peak age for SIDS. Sleep safe practices are in place for a reason. As long as you are fully informed of the risks of unsafe sleep practices….you and your husband decide together the comfort levels and compromise.
Shes out of ducking line to block you from your baby. IMO, she just lost privileges to put baby dish for naps and such.
hushwine writes:
ESH But I give you a pass for the harsh words, because who wouldn't be freaked out after someone barred them from the room their baby was in. Your husband needs to grow a spine, and deal with his mom.
Your MIL shouldn't have access to the baby for a good long time. Holding the door shut, is pure call the police cause the crazy lady won't let me have my baby, insanity.
Please ensure your baby is in a safe sleeping situation though. I would worry about them rolling off of the matress, and getting wedged, or stuck against something.
kegsplugskat writes:
YTA. If your husband is so fucked up, then why did you marry him? This has nothing to do with your husband. You're a vindictive, petty asshole. You're the one who will have a f-d up child after all the coddling you're doing.
Maybe go to a fing doctor if your baby cries until he vomits, and stop judging other mothers because they think you're lazy and ridiculous. Grow up. There was no reason to insult your husband through this. You're an abusive, lazy parent.
jellybean00 writes:
NTA because MILs behaviour was completely out of line. She doesn't get to decide when you go to your child. I would have told her GTFO as soon as she blocked the door, allowing me access to my child.
That being said. You knew your child would scream as soon as they were left in the crib, and you knew MIL would expect you to leave them there. So whilst her behaviour was unacceptable, you also helped create that situation to a degree.
Also, you say MILs parenting style is OK but also say she f-d up her kids. Without actually saying how she f-d up her kids. So I do think you were out of line for that comment. Not for kicking her out or snapping at her, but for saying she f-d up her kids.
Lastly, you have a MIL problem, but you also have a husband problem. He didn't 'step in' until you snapped at MIL, and then followed with 'you should've let me handle it' and 'she's only trying to help'.
Which translates to 'I think her behaviour is OK and you're out of line'. The two of you need to get on the same page for handling MIL because this will continue.
topnecessary5 writes:
ESH. You say "both parenting methods are fine" but then told your MIL she f-d all her kids up with her parenting. Apparently you don't believe that, so saying something so cutting when you don't believe, just to hurt her, makes you TA.
Incidentally, you also were calling your husband f-d up with him apparently standing right there. You're TA again.
Your MIL is stepping over boundaries. The passive aggressive sigh and history of trying to control your parenting makes her TA.
At the same time, don't say you'll let her try putting your baby down if you're not actually going to let her try her method. You're TA.
At the same time, after you reneged on your agreement, physically blocking you from getting to your son is wholly unacceptable. Your MIL is TA.
Also, your current sleeping arrangement seems to be working for your son, but your plan of moving him up into your mattress with you as the next step is not.
That isn't safe. If your son is actually crying to the point of vomit whenever he is out in his crib, something is wrong. I hope you are doing something about it OTHER than planning on moving him into an unsafe sleeping arrangement in your bed.
independentcash9 writes:
I’m gonna say ESH. Your MIL sucks because she is definitely over-stepping. The fact that she tried to physically block you from getting to your own child is crazy to me. She was absolutely out of line whether you agreed to let her try her method or not. That is YOUR child and you had a change of heart.
That’s fair. You did help set that situation up though. I feel like you knew that wasn’t going to turn out well so you probably just shouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place. Stand your ground when it comes to your kids.
I say, softly, you suck for that one because I understand you were trying to prove a point. You’re tired of her unsolicited parenting advice. I get it. You also inadvertently said your husband is messed up….
I know that wasn’t fun for him to hear. You did sort of throw him under the bus there. Definitely a sucky thing to do. You both need to discuss that for sure if you haven’t already. You and your husband are a team. You’re supposed to have each other’s backs.
Your husband sucks because your MIL is his mother. He’s supposed to be the one to get and keep his mother off your back. You’re his wife and he made that child with you, not with his mom.
Him saying you should’ve let him handle it when he barely does anything to handle it at all, according to you, was annoying to read. It would behoove him to work harder at having more respect for you and your feelings so that he actually does more to help the situations moving forward. So yeah, NTA, but ESH, OP.