When this stepmom is angry at her husband, she asks Reddit:
I (F) have been married to my husband Jeff for a year now. He has a daughter (12) with his deceased wife. When I first met Jeff it was obvious that he was struggling as a single parent. For my stepdaughter's birthday he'd usually get a cake from the bakery.
This has been the case since her mom passed away. I thought I'd bake her a birthday cake for her 12th birthday that was last week as a gesture to show some motherly love and support.
Jeff agreed and he told me what his daughter's favorite flavors are and what she likes and so on. I baked the cake in the flavor she likes and the icing she likes but one thing was missing and that is the blueberries and I couldn't include them because I went to the nearest store and they didn't have them.
I was running out of time and couldn't get them so I ended up just leaving the cake as it thinking it wouldn't be a big deal.
The party started and Jeff was busy taking care of everything else. He then came into the kitchen and asked to see the cake before bringing it out. I showed it to him and he got so angry when he saw that there were no blueberries on top.
He went on and on about how I didn't fully commit to making the cake and that he trusted me to take care of it and just basically saying that he should've just ordered one from the bakery. We got into an argument and he ended up taking it and throwing it in the trashcan.
I was stunned as he said "you know what? Forget it, I'll get one from the bakery". I blew up and screamed at him, he told me to stop but I went upstairs, got dressed and left. He tried getting me to stay but I refused and went to my parents'.
He later called and then texted about how I overreacted and hurt him and my stepdaughter by leaving. Also said that I created this situation by not "properly" making the birthday cake just cause I didn't put blueberries on top.
I refused to respond but my parents say he was justified since he must've felt pressured from the stress of making his daughter happy on her birthday. He keeps trying to speak to me but I don't respond. AITA? did I overreact?
NTA. You went out of your way to research what kind of care your stepdaughter would want, put in the effort to bake a cake (after agreeing with the dad on you baking the cake) and baked a lovely birthday cake.
It was just missing one kind of deco because you couldn't source it in time. He went nuclear and threw out your cake?!?! Yeah I wouldn't have stayed around after that either. It is a childish, vindictive, aggressive, and hurtful way to deal with what he saw as a less than perfect situation.
He seems extremely overprotective of his daughter. She's 12 and would probably love this cake even if it didn't have blueberries. Even if she had noticed and said something, she could have been told the shop ran out, and at her age she should be able to understand that and lean to deal with that kind of 'disappointment'.
Are you pushed aside in other parenting situations too? How is your relationship with your stepdaughter? It's only been a year and he already treats you like this? I'd reconsider this marriage.
ESH I don't think your husband should have had the reaction he did. There could be lots of reasons for his reaction besides "he's the asshole" or "he is too controlling." As you said, his daughter's wife is deceased, and he feels that he is the parent responsible for making the daughter happy.
There is a lot more emotional investment than whether or not there were blueberries. Regardless, I wish he could have reacted more calmly despite whatever emotions he was feeling.
The reason I put "ESH" is because you obviously waited until the last minute to prepare this special cake. Had you planned far enough ahead, you could have tried more than "the nearest store" without risk of running out of time. I would agree that such poor planning does represent a bit of a lack of dedication and emotional investment on your part. Therefore, ESH.
NTA. He seems to have some major red flags that need to be dealt with. Why is he so upset about the blueberries? Could it be that he was triggered and remebered that his wife always made it a specific way and so he always ordered it from the bakery in a specific way?
I think if the blueberries were THAT important he should have stressed this to you prior so that you could've gone to a different grocery store to source them out.
I don't think it's fair to your stepdaughter that she was thrown in the middle of this, how is your relationship with her? Has she made any comments regarding the cake or was she just upset about the fact that you weren't there? I think your partner could benefit from starting therapy and working through his emotions in a healthier way.