"AITA for making my son take a paternity test?"
This is a mess, and I would appreciate opinions from unbiased people, it was recommended that I post here. I F39 have two kids, M17 and F10. When I was 21 I had a one night stand which resulted in my son Austin, the father, wanting nothing to do with my child.
When my son was 3 I met my husband Mark M38. My son adores my husband and calls him father. Austin met his current girlfriend through Mark's best friend Alan, her father. Macy and Austin have been close since they were young and we were all thrilled when we found out they were dating.
After we found out, Mark and I sat Austin down and explained that we're happy for him but we needed him to know the importance of safe sex whether it was happening or not. He was disgusted but said he understood and we left it at that.
For context, my son is what others describe as shy and soft spoken. He's really sensitive and takes harsh comments/actions to heart. We thought everything was fine with him until he came home crying, he eventually told us Macy had cheated on him. I was angry and urged with my son to leave her, but my husband calmed us both and asked to speak with Austin privately.
Essentially he asked Austin what he wanted to do and if he wanted us to stop seeing Macy and her father, Austin said he didn't want that and wanted to work things out with Macy. I was upset but didn't say anything, ever since that happened, I've hated seeing her around. All I think about when I see her is my son distressed and crying his eyes out. I act cordial around her but I don't like her.
Around February, Austin came home looking rather upset again so I sat down with him and asked what's going on? I wasn't expecting to hear him say what he said to me 'Macy's pregnant.'
I was furious, I told him I expected better from him. I also said that before anything happened, he needed to do a paternity test. He was angry that I suggested she cheated again, but I didn't like how she was suddenly pregnant.
When Mark came home from work, I filled him in and he was equally upset, we all sat down and discussed it. Austin explained that I demanded a paternity test was done, and Mark wasn't happy to hear that. I explained that she's cheated before, she could've cheated again.
That led to a huge argument before we all calmed down, I asked if her parents knew. Apparently not, he said she agreed to tell them tonight. And sure enough, about an hour later Mark gets an angry call from Alan demanding that my son marries his daughter, and if Austin refuses he demands that he pay child support and stay out of this kid's life.
Of course we were all angry and exhausted, so I said that nothing was happening until a paternity test was done and I wasn't taking the word of a cheating little girl. He blew up at us and it was radio silence after the call, Macy was told she can no longer see Austin outside of school and he took it out on me.
A few weeks ago, Alan contacted us and agreed to do a paternity test. I asked why the sudden change but he ignored me, he said he set up the appointment for May 5th. Austin went with Mark, he said he didn't want to be around me. It stung and I won't lie, it made me cry when he said that.
Results finally came in a few nights ago and he isn't the father, he was shattered. Instead of apologizing, he screamed that this was my fault and he'd have never known, he hasn't said much to me since. Maybe I was wrong for making him do a paternity test, but I was only looking out for my son. Was I wrong for making him take a paternity test?
Here were the top comments from readers:
NTA but I get why a 17 year old kid whose pregnant girlfriend cheated on him is acting this way even though it’s unfortunate. He’s heartbroken and he’s being a dick to you, but I’d be shocked if he acted rationally tbh.
This is one of those times where you’re right, but you’re not going to get thanked for it….yet. Eventually he’ll be happy that he dodged this bullet and didn’t become a teen dad, and he’ll be glad that someone in his life was behaving logically in a chaotic situation. It might take a while though.
NTA - He's taking his hurt out on you. He'll come around eventually.
NTA. Yes, he's not happy with you now, but I think that's because you've shattered his fantasy that it'll all work out and they'll live happily ever after together.
Better that the test was done, than him be pressured by Macys dad/family to marry her, to be potentially left heart broken all over again down the line AND paying child support for a child that's not his.
NTA, you did what’s best for him in the long run.
NTA but I’m really confused about your husband supporting him working it out with Macy when she first cheated because of how sensitive Austin is emotionally. I hope Austin is in therapy even if his behavior is normal for a teen bc I’m worried he has low self worth. I’m also worried he is going to go back to Macy and try to sign the bc.
5 months later OP came back with this update:
Hello all, I got a few requests for an update, so here it is. First of all I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions. I was questioning if I did the right thing since finding out he wasn't the father and thought I was too rough with the situation. We've all been in therapy, group and individual.
My son has started to come around and apologized for the yelling and "sh^$%y choices" (he calls it that, not me) he made. His therapist encouraged him to explain his thought process about the entire thing, and essentially, he thought she was 'the one.'
She was his second girlfriend and thought that they had a strong bond until one of his friends showed him a picture of her kissing some other guy, it turned into a big fight and only escalated when he found out they had slept together.
I myself have been cheated on and it made me angry to know Austin had to experience it himself, he said he wasn't happy about the entire thing and he's feeling guilty for taking it out on me, we hugged it out and got ice cream afterwards. (Our little ritual after we've had an argument.)
Austin also broke up with Macy after finding out, of course she blames me for the entire thing, but she's old enough to know that her actions have consequences, she hasn't been handling it well. Apparently she's been lashing out at everyone possible and attempted to egg our house. Austin has been quiet but I can tell he's starting to accept what's going on and he's been spending more time with friends.
I've been giving him his space and I think that's helped in the long run. Now onto Mark, a lot of people had a lot of assumptions about him and some even suggested he is the father, but that is far from the truth.
He's known this little girl her entire life and thought she was better than that, he wasn't trying to "save his friendship" with Alan, he was allowing our nearly adult son to make his own choices and deal with the consequences of said choices.
Macy has also given birth recently, and we know who the father is. Unfortunately the father was Austin's best friend "Chris." He decided it was a good idea to tell Austin while they were hanging out here, I wasn't in the room when he was told, but I was there when he started to beat Chris up.
I was outside setting up Halloween decorations in the front yard when I heard a thunk and some screaming, so I ran in through the front door to find Austin punching Chris over and over again. Mark also heard the commotion and came to pull Austin off Chris. Chris apologized and left, it wasn't until he drove away that Austin broke down crying.
We all went out for dinner that night, and we've tried to cheer him up, but I'm starting to realize he needs space on this and to let him come to me about it when he's ready.
Mark and Austin have been going out the last couple of days, Mark says that he remembers when he was Austin's age and only hopes he's helping him realize that he's got a whole lifetime to find his "one." Therapy has helped us out, but I know he needs his space to process this, thank you all once more and please take care of yourselves!
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
[deleted]
How your son is? How is Macy (she's with Chris)? and her relationship with her parents was shaken? and Chris tried to contact your son?... if my questions are uncomfortable I apologize
My son is still hurt, but he's doing better. As far as I know, Macy and Chris aren't together however I don't ask about her when I do see Alan. I know her father is extremely disappointed in her, and her mother isn't that involved in Macy's life so I'm not sure where they stand.
My son mentioned Chris trying to message him and Chris attempted to come over twice, but he was promptly turned away. Austin says he's blocked him and doesn't plan on speaking to him again, which my husband and I support.
JFC. Who needs enemies, when you have Chris in your life as a "best friend".
Well stepdad didn't help either
1- Forgive your cheater gf
2- we cant ask for a paternity test!
This dude or is a cheater or he should stop trying to be a parent and do what is wife says