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Woman's post miscarriage PTSD settles in; considers divorcing husband for his reaction after loss of baby. AITA? UPDATED.

Woman's post miscarriage PTSD settles in; considers divorcing husband for his reaction after loss of baby. AITA? UPDATED.


When this woman feels like she can finally make sense of her emotions surrounding her miscarriage a year ago, she asks Reddit:

"Husband left me alone during a miscarriage 1,5 years ago. thinking of divorce?"

Approximately 1,5 years ago i miscarried at 9 weeks. i went to the hospital alone as my husband stayed with our older daughter during ( it was nighttime). i came back and told him.

It was Monday and my husband had organized a trip form tuesday to friday. tuesday he would go to a music festival where one of his favorite bands was playing and then to a work conference (near the festival) where he had to present a poster on friday.

i told him that i would like for him to stay but was hesitant and as i didn’t insist he went to his trip as planned the next morning. i stayed with my daughter alone ( we live in a foreign country without family)...

and also went to work ( in a demanding field) almost breaking down at work the second day ( psychologically but also physically because i had heavy bleeding ) and continued to take car of my oldest alone ( she was in daycare when i worked).

i discussed it with my husband right away when he came back and i was extremely angry and resentful.. i still am and sometimes it comes back and i can’t seem to let it go..

his excuse was that he didn’t réalisé the gravity as i already had a miscarriage ( really early at 5 weeks) and i continued working and living normally so he thought it was the same thing.

i think about it so often and even thinking of divorce over it. Now that my PTSD has settled in, I feel like he really abandoned me. am i exaggerating ?

Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the most controversial responses to her post. Some people shared their own personal experiences with miscarrying:

exactcandy1375 writes:

If you love him, seek both solo therapy and couples counseling to work through this. It’s a shame he didn’t realize you needed him, it’s also a shame it wasn’t communicated so that he knew and didn’t happen into this situation where you can’t let go of resentment this to the point of debating divorce.

I’ve been through a similar thing, and in retrospect a lot of my grievances were mostly ways of letting out my own grief and depression, through resentment or anger because those feelings were less complicated and had something to be directed at.

If this is the only point of contention and you do see that it wasn’t communicated clearly to him how much you needed him to stay, you have to learn the lessons, learn better communication (ideally through couples counseling) and forgive you both/let go.

Otherwise, you’ll lose the family you have and you might look back on that with time and really regret it.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through losses and my heart is with you - it is tough and we try to be strong for everyone but it can give the false impression we don’t need their support when we really really do.

emotionalsupporthuman writes:

I had a traumatic loss at 22 weeks. I also agree with this advice. I had serious PTSD and I was obviously distraught. For almost 2 years, I just went through the motions in a fog. It's been a long healing process.

My rainbow baby turns 10 years old this month. I wish I would have sought help or been more vocal about what I needed. Please, give yourselves some grace. Support each other!

Don't let the sadness make the world around you so dark that you lose sight of your family. Be honest, communicate, and teach your daughter.

Our kids are watching us. We set the example, I wanted my daughter to understand because she lost a sibling, and even if she wasn't experiencing typical grief, she was living with someone who was. It became important to me that she learn the why's and hows.

It's okay to not be okay. I never knew how many women had similar stories, including my mom, until I became a story myself. I wish she would have thought to grieve with me when she was going through this.

It wouldn't have made my loss hurt less, but watching her get through it would have given me a dim light at the end of my tunnel. My heart goes out to your family.

sunnyok8 writes:

This is right. And while I was completely going to say he was totally in the wrong, OP went to work. I’m sorry I got the news I was miscarrying and I was home for a week, but my body was refusing to miscarry. Even the chance of Heavy bleeding at work? No thank you.

You needed time to mentally and physically process what was happening. I’m not sure how much discussion time you had before he left but maybe he figured you were good if you were already planning to go to work.

Now that may have been shock and what you were told may not have sunk in. Maybe he figured you would drop the kid at daycare and go home. I don’t know. It probably hadn’t really sunk in for him either. Usually by the day before you go, you’re packed and already mentally gone.

Counselling and communication are key. Your feelings are valid. You just need to process the whole picture and ask yourself did he do it to abandon you, or did he do it because like you, he was in shock and hadn’t processed what was happening.

And if that’s the case, you need to see if you can forgive both him and yourself for that. You also need to potentially forgive yourself for not asking him to stay.

Has your communication as a couple gotten better or worse since then? Had he let you down more since then when you have communicated your needs to him?

To me there is no judgment. There is a deep understanding of the hurt of a miscarriage. And I’m sorry you are a part of that club.

saffyas writes:

She asked him to stay. He went to a music festival. Even if she didn't ask him to stay she's somehow supposed to go and learn lessons about how to work together with a man who left her to go to a music festival while she was miscarrying his child?

Picture this. You are at a music festival having fun. Someone mentions their wife is at home having a miscarriage... in what world would you consider this ok behaviour? Imagine it's a friend and he asks you to dance to his favourite band... while his wife is at home having a miscarriage.

Enjoy a drink, while his wife is at home having a miscarriage. Do you understand how insane this is? (At this point I'd like to imagine Sofia from Golden Girls going to town to him with that big chunky handbag of hers).

It wasn't on her to communicate more clearly. It was on him to listen- and he didn't. It was on him to care for his wife and he didn't.

That rage she feels, don't you dare try to invalidate it, make her feel she needs to learn lessons and forgive someone who has done an awful thing that deserves that rage to be squarely directed at him. The lesson isn't for her to learn to live with this. The lesson is that she deserves better.

dlorddaughter writes:

I think you need some individual counceling and marriage counceling. Divorce seems a little drastic for something that happened 1.5 years ago, which your husband has interpreted as a miscommunication between you and you have clearly felt was much more serious than that.

I can't help but feel this ongoing resentment towards him is a little misplaced- you didn't tell him he had to stay, and he used his prior knowledge of what happened before and assumed you'd be alright.

Men can't experence miscarriage first hand, they have to take stuff at face value, and then guess what the right thing is to do if the correct response isn't clear to them. Your husband weighed prior experience with what little he knew and your own response and made a decision (albeit the incorrect one).

Yes, it was the wrong decision, but people are allowed to make mistakes in a relationship. The question then, prehaps, is has he (and you- remember the verbal communication wasn't clear at the time) learnt from it?

If the same situation happened again, do you think he'd do the same thing or has he learnt from before? And would you be confident in communicating your needs in that moment?

I want to be clear, I've had a miscarriage (10 weeks) and it was hell, it's an awful experience.

I'm not trying to belittle how you're feeling or say that it's not valid. However, partners cannot look after each other if the communication between them is not clear- you have to be an advocate for your needs in a relationship- it is not fair to have your partner guess. I am still working on this myself with my partner.

brain6 writes:

Try and understand that he may have been grieving too. But just differently. My parents lost my sister when I was young. She was 2. To a tragic anomoly. Rare reason.

My dad shut down. My mom had to be the strong one. I’m sure he loves you.
Your married. I’m not giving him a free pass. He did wrong. Please talk to him. Explain in detail how you’re feeling. Work on this together.

Sometimes people react differently to tragic events. Some of my family resent me cause I don’t go to funerals. I simply can’t. Haven’t done well at them since a child. It’s a reaction i cannot control. I bolt away.

Communication can be a saviour. I’d hate to see family’s break up. Wish you and your family all the best. Sorry for your loss as well. Never easy.

Your feelings are quite valid. But maybe his are too. Sometimes when we are angry. We can’t see the others perspective. Good luck. I mean that.

And now, OP provides a major UPDATE:

Correction. ( sorry english not my first language) : HE was hesitant to my demand. i wasn’t hesitant when asking him.

Thanks to everyone for their input because i really have no one to talk to. i agree with the fact that i need therapy to learn how to better communicate my needs and i will definitely do it.

it was not just an event but a general pattern in our relationship as i am a very tough person and do everything on my own. i do the majority ( if not the total) of the things in our home ( papers, household, children stuff) but ne ver had resentment and was happy to do it because i always thought that in case of need he would have my back .

for people that said that because i had a first miscarriage but continued being normal i see your point but i have to say that the first one was like a late period whereas in the second case we had been to the doctors office and saw a fetus with a heartbeat.

Also when i returned from the hospital i was clearly distraught , i was crying ( i think the first time my husband saw me cry the 7 years we’ve been together ) and during the night i was making trips to the toilet crying in a towel to not wake up my daughter so for me there was a clear difference but as i read in the comment i may be mistaken so i’ll take that one.

Another reader weighed in on the situation:

elzapp writes:

I would be more mad at the doctor who didn’t tell you to stay at home for a few days. After my wife had a miscarriage the doctor told her to stay at home for a week and that’s more than reasonable.

According to your profile you live in Switzerland, the doctor has made a serious mistake of not confirming that you are “Arbeitsunfähig” for at least a week.

Also the second you notice something like heavy bleeding, please immediately go to a doctor or a hospital. I understand that you were in a state of shock but this could have easily become a medical emergency.

Your description sounds to me like you aren’t properly taking care of yourself. A lot of women do that, don’t fall into this trap.

You are a human, you have rights and needs and it’s reasonable to ask your husband, doctor and employer to support you in a time of need.

Looks like OP is NTA here. Any advice for this woman? Should she divorce?

Sources: Reddit
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