Woman shocked when mom insists she be her older sister's surrogate. AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this woman feels attacked by her mom for insisting that she be her sister's future surrogate, she asks Reddit:
"My mom wants me to give my sister my future baby?"
Ok this is a throw away account, but I truly need to get this off my chest or I think I’m going to go crazy. I female 29 have an older sister 34. My sister has been married to my brother-in-law for 5 years and they have been trying for a baby since they were married with no luck.
They did have one pregnancy 2 years ago but unfortunately; they miscarried within the first trimester.
We I am getting married in 5 months to the man of my dreams, one of the best things about our relationship is my fiancée loves to talk about the future and the timeline we have in mind for important milestones.
Like when we are going to buy a house, when we are going to get a new puppy and most importantly when we want to start trying for a baby.
One night we were discussing the “baby topic” and my fiancée made the comment “I hope your sister gets pregnant before us to prevent unnecessary drama”. I mentioned this conversation to my mom absent mindedly and my mom state “you could always just carry a baby for your sister to prevent that issue." AITA?
Then, OP provides this first update:
She stated she was joking when I asked if she was serious, but her tone did not leave much confidence that she wont make this "joke" again. My sister has also made this comment to me in the past multiple times. It makes me think this is something they have discussed together before and are actively wanting to happen.
Then, OP provides this second update, which gives more details about her family's religion:
Background information, we are a VERY devote Catholic family and the Church does not believe in IFV or surrogacy. The only way I would be able to “carry” a baby for my sister that the church would approve of, is for me and my fiancée to get pregnant the old fashion way and then I give my sister my baby.
I personally have nothing against surrogacy but me as a person could never bring a baby into the world and not be that baby’s mother. Also my sister and I have fragile relationship at best, growing up my sister despised me going so far as to tell people she was an only child and had no siblings.
OP's third update provides details about her sister's relationship to her mom:
My sister was always been favored by my mom, which has led to years of arguments between me and my mom to the point I stopped fighting it knowing nothing would be done.
My mom has a habit of making everything about my sister, even at events that should be about me. For example when I graduated college with to degrees at my graduation party my mom stopped the party to gift my sister stupid gold plated teacher appreciation apple.
Knowing my mom will always take my sister’s side, if she is set on this idea, I know my mom is going to push the issue until I give in. Obviously this is all hypothetical now but I worry this actually could be a problem when i do get pregnant. I don’t know what to do. AITA here?
Let's see what readers thought about this dilemma:
noonecares6 writes:
Your family is insane. I would start going nc with them. And if possible don’t even be in the same state as them when you get pregnant and don’t tell them your pregnant. Your fiancé is right.
The moment they find out your pregnant your life will be hell. I don’t put it pass them to be the ones calling the cps on you trying to get ahold of your child. Or if your state has grandparent rights then trying to make it so that your close so they can claim them and then give your child to your sister.
Start taking prevention actions now. If you don’t even your wedding will be about your sister. You deserve to have the spotlight on your achievements and life achievements.
ssf669 writes:
Let me get this straight....your faith doesn't allow IVF or surrogacy for infertile couples but does allow adultery resulting in you getting pregnant by her husband????? Do4es that actually make sense to you???
You better tell your fiancé about this before he marries you and into your ________ family. You need to let him know what they are pushing you to do and what that means for him (his wife cheating on him).
Your sister's fertility is not your problem. No matter what your family thinks you don't owe her anything and you certainly shouldn't be sleeping with her husband no matter why they suggest it. Just because your family is nuts, doesn't mean you have to do what they say.
I feel sorry for your sister but if she wants to have a child she needs to stop following crazy religious beliefs and realize that IVF is the same thing as they are asking without the adultery. If she refuses then that's her choice an not your problem.
okattorney89 writes:
They’re going to be very persistent when you and your husband finally do get pregnant, and it could get very ugly.
There’s a weird entitlement that comes with golden children who are up against something they have no control over. You need to draw a hard line now that you will never be giving away any of your children to her, hopefully that will head off some of the fallout when you do decide to get pregnant.
Even then there’s a chance you could have to go no contact with her depending on how she handles you having kids, and please do not hesitate to do so if she starts to get crazy, for your own sake and your future babies safety.
There are so many scary stories of infertile women losing it and doing some scary things when someone around them has a baby.
lamurano0 writes:
I think the best way to approach this is to act like it is so ridiculous and insane that you can't even fathom thinking about it!
Like you look at your mother next time she makes a little joke and say oh my god do you think I'm that kind of horrible person that'll give away my own flesh and blood? (Note before Reddit comes for me I do not feel this way, but OP needs to make it sound horrifying!) Like literally act like she's attacking your character!
Then bring her into it... Mom do you really think you brought me up to be the kind of person to give my own child away? Why would you think that of me? (This is where the sobbing starts) Do you really think you did that bad of a job raising me?
You got to flip the script or they'll both be on you about this! Good luck they sound like psychos.
petofcentury7 writes:
Go low contact with the bunch. Your child is yours and no one can give it away but you and your husband. Which you won’t do. So if they decide to go nuclear and be toxic then they will just deserve the no contact all the more.
Tell your mom from gate if she ever wants to have a chance at being a grandma to YOUR kids. She will NEVER mention this stupid shit to you again from here forward. If she does, that’s it. No visits for her.
When the time does come that you bring a life into your family, your NUMBER ONE JOB is to protect that child. So reconcile yourself with the idea of cutting people off or setting firm boundaries NOW, before that happens.
It’s time to stop allowing the people around you to force you into living life by your sisters leave. You have a partner and another family now to back you up and protect you. Use it. Good luck.
standalone9 writes:
If your mom brings it up, your response should be that if your mom feels that way, she should get pregnant and provide a child to your sister. You gave birth twice, mom, what's one more?
Otherwise, don't even entertain the conversation. As in, if it is brought up, you say verbatim "I will not discuss this" and LEAVE. Anytime it's brought up, you leave. Even if it's your own birthday party, you get in your car and go home.
You can do this with any topic that is pushing your boundaries. The reason is because with manipulative people, any reason you give them is just ammunition. They will use any method to convince you, even if it doesn't make sense or is founded on emotions like guilt. Don't give them the inch.
alcansitta writes:
If your family is so religious to the point that they want to force their reproductive stance on you, then they should also believe that God will gift your sister with children if and when God believes it’s the right time. If they don’t believe that, then they can take their stance and shove it where the sun does not shine.
OP, you may have to go low contact with your mother and sister and some point because they sound truly awful. Your sister’s reproductive issues are not your problem. They are HER problem and her husband’s problem.
If her religious beliefs mean that IVF and surrogacy are not options for her, then she may have to go the adoption route or accept that she was not meant to have her own biological children. Again, not your problem.