When this woman in an open marriage is at a loss when she gets pregnant by another man while on birth control, she asks Reddit:
I 28f have an open relationship with my 29m husband. We have been married for 5 years and the last 2 years have been open. During this time I have had a number of health issues, mostly with my reproductive system that I was told that it would be unlikely to convince.
Last December, I started to see this guy and we hit it off and saw each other regularly. The end of February I found out I was pregnant with twins and it is his babies.
Ps I was on birth control. It took me a few weeks to wrap my head around things and tell my husband. At first he was supportive and said “ I love you and these babies are a part of you so I will love them too”, a few weeks later he changed his mind after realizing that the father wasn’t just going to walk away from the kids.
He said he would be okay with it as long as the biological father of the twins were not a part of their lives. For background, His mother had him as a teenager and he has had a stepdad for his entire life and has an estranged relationship with his biological father.
Although he had a step dad, he always wanted his biological father to play a bigger role than ever he did. I don’t understand how he cannot relate to the situation and expect the kids to want nothing to do with their biological father.
Two weeks ago he planted the seed that “I have to get an abortion or else he’d never be happy” At 3 am this morning, he left me a letter before leaving on a work trip that said it’s the babies or divorce.
I feel conflicted because what if this is the only time I can have kids… it hasn’t happened in years and it’s that what if it never happens again factor that has made things so difficult for me.
If he had had the same stance on things from the beginning when I told him at 10 weeks, I would understand but the fact he waited till I am 17 weeks along to reveal how he really feels is messed up because I’m almost halfway through the pregnancy.
Does he expect there to be no resentment and I do the procedure and we act like nothing happened and go on being married? AITAH?
I now feel like I should have put more details into the original post but the bio father and I were only sleeping with each other and still haven’t slept with anyone since being pregnant. My husband has gone on a f fest seeing multiple people since I told him.
I told him I wouldn’t have se% with him until he got a test to clear him. From the time I told him I was pregnant up until last night he would touch my belly and say I can’t do certain things because I’m pregnant such as heavy lifting, yard work, etc.
The day he planted the seed saying he wouldn’t be happy if I had them he literally tried holding me and touching my belly 30 min after that conversation. I told him to not touch them if that’s how he felt.
Last night we went to dinner and he again was touching my belly asking how big they are and then hands me a letter hours later with the ultimatum. If his stance was 100% not on board with them I’d understand but the fact he says one thing and does another is confusing.
I know it’s an impossible situation. I’d be upset for sure but at the end of the day we did agree upon it mutually to have an open relationship. I’m not saying I expect him to be excited.
But I do dislike that he wanted so long to express he really wasn’t okay with it after he’s been expressing care and interest for the twins. He constantly is touching my belly and talking to them and then to suddenly change up this far is cruel.
I do love my husband but an ultimatum does weaken that love I feel for him. The bio dad and I are good friends but I don’t think rushing into another marriage just because we have kids together is a solution.
It might happen down the road? But as of right now marriage is not on our minds. He is supportive emotionally and financially as of now and insist that will remain the same once the kids are here if I have them.
It was his idea to have an open relationship. I did my exploring and had fun prior to marriage and he didn’t get everything out beforehand. I was okay with the idea of it because we both got married young and I am not a jealous person. I enjoy meeting new people.
Due to his job we are separated anywhere from 2 week to 6 months. Depending on the assignment. I get open relationship aren’t ideal for most people. It’s messy and complex but for us it worked up until now.
NTA. If H was OK w/ the open relationship, then accidental pregnancy is a known and foreseeable risk of such an arrangement. You and he both assumed that risk. This is why open relationships are not typical - because they carry many risks of massive consequences.
That being said, while perhaps both of you should have discussed beforehand the issue of what you both agree to do if you do become pregnant, or say if H got anther woman pregnant, now you have this situation you have to deal w/.
You are pregnant w/ twins, and it may be your only chance to have children. It also is later in the pregnancy to abort than is ideal, and aborting now would be too traumatic if you did it when you didn't really want to do it and you want to keep it.
If you abort against your own wishes, you will always resent your H for it, and it will probably eat away at your relationship and kill it anyway. I say you should do what you feel you need to w/ the pregnancy - do not abort if you are not 100% behind it.
You and H should go to counseling together regardless of what you do to process all fo this, w/ the understanding that you may divorce anyway over it. If H refuses, go to counseling yourself.
You should also consult a lawyer, as different states have different laws about paternity - for example, some states give the H parental rights over any child conceived during the marriage, even if the child is biologically someone else's. In other states it's only a rebuttable presumption.* Best of luck to you and everyone in this difficult situation.
*Edit: Given the advent of DNA testing, the trend went to rebuttable presumption, so all states now may be rebuttable presumption rules. Check w/ a family law lawyer.
YTA. If you want the babies you should probably get a divorce as this will be a festering wound within your marriage. Open marriages are terrible. This is why monogamy within a family is the best answer.
I don't believe in abortion for anything except the most extreme situations. This isn't that. This is play stupid games win stupid prizes. I feel sorry for your children.
NTA. You guys didn't discuss the possibility of pregnancy in the terms of your open relationship because there was a genuine belief that it wasn't a possibility. This is time to renegotiate.
He suggested and agreed to an open relationship, and kids are a reasonable result of se%. I'd find out if your husband is opposed to needing to explain a second dad to the kids/outsiders.
If it's the fact that the kids aren't biologically his, that's on him. They will still be half you (the woman he at least allegedly loves), and that should be enough. If it's not, then consider what lessons he might unintentionally pass onto your kids and ask how involved you really want him to be.
Yall are adults who have made adult decisions. The three of you should sit down (no matter how uncomfortable that is), to discuss the reality. Prenatal care, birthing plans, post partum are all really important and time sensitive. Please take care of you!
NAH. He doesn’t seem to really have a problem with the babies. From one of your comments he even seems to want them. What he doesn’t want is the bio dad.
I also think being mad at him for changing his mind is ridiculous. This is a HUGE life changing event. And how you feel one moment can be different to how you’ll feel the next. Knowing the father was going to remain in the picture us what changed his mind.
Honestly, your marriage is over. He wants you. Wants the babies. But wants the bio dad out of the picture. You can’t and won’t deny the father his right to being a father. You can’t and won’t terminate a pregnancy you never thought you’d have. Time to file and start separating your lives.
YTA - for many reasons. But here is one that hasn't been touched on yet.
Your husband, by most states laws, is the legal father of those babies - in the eyes of the law. Biology be damned. You are putting the man you basically openly cheated on in the position of being legally tied to two kids that he has no biological relationship to.
Morally or ethically, any which way you want to spin it, that's messed up. You are going for this man to have to pay child support for two kids THAT ARE NOT HIS!! He will never have a relationship with them.
Do you understand how much of an incredibly HUGE AH that makes you?!
ESH you didn't use protection so you fked around and found out. He was wrong for demanding an abortion but he shouldn't be stuck as the third wheel while you play happy family with their sperm donor.
You could have told the father to sign away parental rights to your husband and if he refuses you could sue for child support. You said your husband would've been fine with the kids if dad wasn't in the picture.
You could probably just go no contact with dad and have your husband sign the birth certificate. It's not fair to your husband to replace him but keep him around asa roommate to help with bills. Either leave him or get rid of the sperm donor.