Woman won't support stepson in court, husband begs, 'he's my son, and the SA allegations are false.' AITA?
When this woman refuses to support her stepson in court, she asks Reddit:
"AITAH for not going to court in support of my stepson who SA someone?"
I have been married to my husband almost 13 years and he has 3 children from his previous marriage. They are all adults. I have one from a previous relationship and we have two together. Several years ago my husband had a massive stroke and is pretty disabled and unable to drive. That’s maybe a reason I’d be the asshole here.
In this past week we’ve found out that his oldest SA a minor 1 1/2-2 years ago while they were under the influence. He would have been around 21-22 at the time, the girl was 16. I don’t know why it’s taken so long but he has recently been charged and had his first court appearance earlier today.
My husband wanted me to go to court with him to support my stepson but I refused. I said that he shouldn’t get any support as what he did is despicable.
But the energy I’m getting from my husband and MIL is poor poor Richard this will ruin his life, obv not his real name, but I feel like it should ruin his life. My husband is also saying the girl is exaggerating, and that even if his son did do it, he didn't know what he was doing. What?
This girl has to live with the aftermath for the rest of her life. I refused to go or drive him there, which is what makes me think I could be the asshole. He ended up having another family member take him.
I refused and am actually offended that my husband wanted me to jump on the poor Richard train as I’ve been SA myself. So idk Reddit, AITAH?
Let's see what readers thought.
solarisid writes:
YTA. I'd agree with you, except this is just statutory r&e, alcoholism applied to both parties and most importantly, you are biased as f against said stepson.
It appears you didn't specify it was purely statutory rape (rather than forceful statutory rape) to get more rage-votes in your favor to feel good about yourself and point at a screen in front of your husband.
That being the case, it would not be a stretch that you added that -22 over the 21 of the stepson's age and didn't add a -17 to girl's age to make the scenario look worse because you hate stepson's guts and want to see him burn.
People don't turn 18 and magically become adults. You need like a decade of adulting to get to that point. I can assure you, whatever "trauma" you think girl is going through will pale in comparison to what stepson will go through if found guilty.
There's a reason there's a jury selection process, and it would have filtered you out a decade ago because you're actually not qualified to have a vote on the subject!
specificuesss7 writes:
NTA! It should ruin his life. He ruined someone else's.
People like that need to know that what they did was NOT okay and shouldn't have people help rationalize and minimize it. He doesn't need 'support' through it because he isn't the victim.
The ONLY 'help' I would give is a ride to make sure he goes to the hearings. I wouldn't go inside though. The victim doesn't need to feel like the abuser has people that support what he did to her.
regretday0 writes:
Oh hell no. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and refusing to show support for this person. If this is his first court appearance it’s possible his crime is still in the “alleged” category, but I could not and would not stand in support of anyone who committed such a crime.
The real problem lies in your experience and your husband’s disregard for how this would affect you. It’s too much to bear. I’m so sorry you were put in this position but you 100% did the right thing. NTA, can’t say that strongly enough. Sending hugs your way. This had to be so difficult for you.
internationalweb9 writes:
NTA, and I would also be really alarmed that my partner would want me to go to bat for any rapist, let alone the child he raised to be that less-than-a-man.
I understand having devotion to your children and wanting to protect them, but I wouldn't in a million years cover for anyone for any allegation involving violence, let alone se%ual assault on a minor. I'd send that bastard to prison just so I wouldn't end him myself.
Personally, if I was the father, I'd feel like such an immense failure that my child thought he could se%ually assault anyone and still have a relationship with me. All the of people who abuse children in any way should be buried under the prisons, imo. Father is incredibly sus, now.
kausername0 writes:
NTA If you are a survivor of assault you need to set boundaries that will help you feel safe. If that includes not supporting your stepson, then that is 100%.
A ton of other people have already commented, but I used to work at a se% offense treatment facility for youth, and thus may have some unique perspective to add. Remember that supporting him can also look be encouraging him to admit his behavior and problems and face the consequences that he has earned.
This is necessary for his treatment to be effective and may help him control his behavior better in the future and prevent further victims.
Again, it is not your responsibility to help him fix his behavior but if you want to support him it does not have to look like "jumping on the poor Richard (don´t think I didn´t notice you maybe subtly calling him a d&ck) train".
If you have any questions about se% offense treatment I am not an expert but please feel free to message me.
forget0 writes:
Oh hell no. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and refusing to show support for this person. If this is his first court appearance it’s possible his crime is still in the “alleged” category, but I could not and would not stand in support of anyone who committed such a crime.
The real problem lies in your experience and your husband’s disregard for how this would affect you. It’s too much to bear. I’m so sorry you were put in this position but you 100% did the right thing.
NTA, can’t say that strongly enough. Sending hugs your way. This had to be so difficult for you.
interntionalweb09 writes:
NTA, and I would also be really alarmed that my partner would want me to go to bat for any rapist, let alone the child he raised to be that less-than-a-man.
I understand having devotion to your children and wanting to protect them, but I wouldn't in a million years cover for anyone for any allegation involving violence, let alone se%ual assault on a minor. I'd send that bastard to prison just so I wouldn't end him myself.
Personally, if I was the father, I'd feel like such an immense failure that my child thought he could se%ually assault anyone and still have a relationship with me.
All the of people who abuse children in any way should be buried under the prisons, imo. Father is incredibly sus, now.
andystivysky writes:
NTA. What he did is horrible and made worse by the fact that (1) it was a minor and (2) you have had trauma relating to that as well. It's not like someone else can't drive him, either a friend/family member or even a taxi or Uber.
My charitable thinking is that your husband and the others are blindsided by their love of him but even that is not an excuse. Keep standing your ground and sending love to you and especially that poor girl.
sobaciplay8 writes:
NTA. He thought he was a big, bad adult when he assaulted a kid. So he can be a big, bad adult without his stepmom's support. Though, he shouldn't have any support. Honestly, I'd cut off everyone who does support him.
By supporting him, they're saying they're okay with what he did and shouldn't be punished. They're okay with him assaulting a child. He ruined that girl's life and rightfully deserves to have his life ruined by a very lengthy prison term.