Woman accused of 'throwing a tantrum,' when child isn't invited to childfree wedding. AITA?
When this woman is angry with her sister for having a childfree wedding and snubbing her, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for "throwing a tantrum" because my child wasn't invited to a childfree wedding?"
My sister is getting remarried and she wants a very small wedding with only immediate family. Yesterday we got her wedding invitation and to my surprise it said that the wedding is childfree and my child isn't invited.
My child is 17yo, going 18 soon. Btw my child is the only one under 18 in our family(and in the groom's family) so she is the only one being excluded.
I called my sister and asked her if she is fking serious? She said I'm sorry but we have decided that we want a childfree wedding. I told her to just say you want a "my child" free wedding and get over with it because this is exactly what you are doing.
We got into an argument and she told me to stop throwing a tantrum and my child doesn't need to be included in everything. I told her that we won't be attending her wedding then and she called me an asshole for not supporting her.
I hope she doesn't enjoy her wedding. She really hurt my child's feeling by excluding her. I'd be happy to know I ruined her day.
The other ones are all boys and all invited. My daughter is the only girl and not invited. Funny now that I think about it she could say she wants a girl free wedding and she would have the same result. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought about this one. They were very torn.
whoyouare writes:
The people defending the sister in this with the “her wedding/ her rules” are so infuriating. It’s anti-social behavior, exclusionary, and just shi&ty.
I’m proud of you for defending your daughter OP. The people acting like she’s not a person with feelings, an entire human being because she is 17 are entirely disgusting and there’s absolutely no justification for it.
I wouldn’t support my sister doing that either. This isn’t some friend and OP’s daughter isn’t some auxiliary guest. She’s a member of the family, and the only one being excluded. You’re definitely NTA.
colotariat writes:
Of course YTA. You’re just deeply upset because you feel deeply entitled to bring your child to your sister’s wedding.
She has her reasons for making that request, and you have your reasons for not going. But, that doesn’t change the fact it is her wedding and her request and you don’t feel the need to honor her request.
So, that makes you the asshole for thinking that your sense of entitlement overrides her comfort and peace of mind at her function.
beardmanmichael writes:
NTA. Your kid isn't a child. For lack of a better term they are entering adulthood as they are close to exiting their teenage years.
I'm glad you defended your daughter because, quite frankly, a child free wedding has never applied to somebody who is 17. That's pretty clear to me and several other commenters.
You are not an asshole. Your behavior does not indicate a lack of support, it indicates a good understanding of unreasonable boundaries.
Basically, you called your sister's bluff and uninvited yourself from a wedding that would not have been welcoming to your full family. Again, great job standing up for your daughter. You're a good parent.
quiethighway52 writes:
YTA The answer to your question is yes, you are. Did you throw a tantrum? Well, the way you portrayed yourself going at your sister with, "is she fking serious?" Yeah, I think you did. Now, there is a lot of info missing here, and I think left out intentionally.
Is your daughter goth/emo and your sister doesn't think your daughter would dress appropriately for her wedding? I think that should be a conversation rather than automatic exclusion.
Does your daughter have behavioral issues? Maybe that you refuse to acknowledge? Does the venue restrict to over 18? Are the male guests serial SAers and your sister is trying to protect your daughter? Maybe a little extreme.
historical8 writes:
NTA. As your daughter is 17 and the only one of the next generation excluded, I would ask other family members why your sister is purposely excluding your daughter.
I would also tell sister that she should find another MOH because you won’t be attending her wedding, nor will you be able to help her out with any MOH duties.
Members of my mom’s family have done this sort of thing over the years (“forgot” to give one person a gift when they showered others/created rules to exclude one person from an event and accused others of expecting special treatment when their behavior was pointed out) and it was very damaging.
Standing up for your quiet daughter is the right thing to do.
bgkittenenergy writes:
YTA. Boundaries aren't meant to be liked, they're meant to be respected. And as adults, we accept the consequences of setting those boundaries.
OP left out that they didn't know if there were minors elsewhere in the grooms family, so centering themselves over someone else's event preferences feels like entitlement. Sounds like a good parenting opportunity to teach the child that not everything someone does is just about them.
Though I personally agree that 17 would be ok if there is no drinking or pot (or for just the ceremony), but in the US I would absolutely not want my child to be subjected to drunk and stoned adults bc that's what my wedding reception will be.
pengpage0 writes:
I'm sorry, is your sister inviting ONLY family to the wedding? You say your kid is the only one under 18 in either the bride or groom's family, but what about their friends? What about, idk, people from work?
Do you know literally every person that your sister and her fiance are inviting to their wedding? Do you know that none of them have kids? Do you know for a fact that you are being singled out?
Additionally, have you asked why they want a child free wedding? Even if your kid is actually being specifically excluded, have you asked why just one minor would spoil things for them? Because people drink at weddings.
Sometimes, that's a subdued, "everyone just has a couple glasses of champagne" kind of thing. But sometimes, people get wild. Maybe they want to be able to let loose and get wild without having to worry about a kid being there.
Either way, even if you are justified in feeling excluded, you handled it really poorly. You came at your sister immediately combative, immediately defensive, immediately insulted. You made a lot of assumptions without checking whether or not they were true.
Even if they are true, you still could have spoken civilly with your sister. EVEN IF you are correct in your assumptions, even if you and your kid are being deliberately left out, even if you have a right to be offended, you STILL threw a shit fit about it. Yeah, you threw a tantrum. YTA.
pandaninja writes:
I feel like we are missing some additional info that could help us here. Off the bat, I would say either YTA or ESH - this is your sister’s wedding and it’s pretty bold of you to make it about yourself.
You don’t know their budget. You don’t know their reasons. What if they can afford only so many plates at the reception? Having a reception as child-free is one way to reduce cost. Not to mention they may have also invited their dearest friends that also have young ones and they are simply trying to apply the rule fairly.
As for your sister IF your kid is the only one under 18 AND you know for a fact that the other kids that are 18+ are attending, I would talk to her and try to understand why she and her fiancé came up with that decision.