'AITA for telling my ex husband's son that my daughter is not his sister?'
"AITA for telling my ex husband's son that my daughter is not his sister?"
My ex husband's son Caden was born during the course of our marriage when I was in a vulnerable space, so it didn't make sense for me to leave.
Caden's mother got institutionalized a few months after he was born and my ex got full custody. I wasn't a mom to him at all–just a responsible adult who cooked meals for him, kept him safe, and looked after him when he was sick.
I finally left my situation when Caden was 3, but I still babysat Caden sometimes because I'm the only one he feels comfortable with other than his own daddy.
Now after struggling with infertility for years I had a surprise baby with my friend Will. It was a shock for both of us, but we decided to embrace the gift and co-parent together. Will is my best friend and his son Aiden (5 year old) is a doting big brother to my daughter (now 7 months old).
The other day I was babysitting Caden for a few hours when the kids (Caden and Aiden) got into a fight over my daughter.
Caden told Aiden that my daughter was his sister, and not Aiden's. I gently explained to him that even though he was not my daughter's big brother, he could definitely be her buddy. He was inconsolable. I had to tell him that Aiden was indeed her big brother.
My ex is furious with me for telling him that my daughter isn't his sister. He thinks that my comments were harsh and inappropriate for a 5 year old. I think that my comments were okay. I don't want to confuse a little boy and create expectations and disappointments down the line. AITA?
Notes from OP:
Caden calls me by a variation of my name. He knows I'm not his mom.
I always made sure to let him know that his mommy is sick, and loves him, but has to be away from him because she is getting help.
I don't talk to my ex. I just babysit Caden when my ex can't arrange childcare. I do it because he's a little kid who needs a responsible adult caring for him while his father isn't around.
I know it comes across as cruel but I don't want to confuse Caden down the line.
Here's what people had to say:
Adorable-Ferret4751 says:
YTA because this other kid is the big brother . You literally said that to hurt the child you suck.
elongatednamesa OP responded:
Caden was bullying Aiden and telling him that my daughter was not his (Aiden's sister). This made Aiden cry bitterly. Caden asked me to reinforce the fact and that's where I had to step in and tell him that Aiden was indeed her big brother but Caden could her best buddy. I didn't want to confuse the kids.
omacgosh1 says:
YTA- but for a specific reason. You say 'I was not his mom. Just a reasonable adult' in regards to your exs son...but does the son feel that way? You were his primary female role model during that time.
If you and your ex had been married...your bio daughter and his bio son would be step siblings...so he would be a step brother...but to completely deny him any familial connection with your new baby despite him probably feeling like you are part of his family is harsh.
elongatednamesa OP says:
I know it comes across as cruel but I don't want to confuse Caden down the line. Will and I have plans of moving to our hometown and raising our kids there. I don't want to confuse Caden by forging a sibling relationship with my daughter.
It will break his heart when she eventually moves away 3 years down the line. The only time he sees her is when I babysit him for my ex. I don't want to make it difficult for him.
Nik-ki replied:
Honey, with the way your relationship with Caden has been going, he's already confused and will be even more when you move away. Shouldn't have continued contact after leaving his dad
pigandpom says:
The father is king AH here. This poor child has such a complicated life and none of the adults appear to consider how things are going to affect him long term.
dnbest91 says:
It might be time to stop watching him. I know it sounds cruel but your ex is trying to force tou to be the boys mother and he is not respecting your boundaries.
consectariana says:
ESH. Caden was raised by you and at five years old, he did not need to hear you renounce any sort of maternal relationship with him. You might not love him as a mother (which is totally okay, since you’re not his mom), but surely you had to know that this would hurt his feelings? At his age, he can’t be expected to understand the nuances of infidelity.