When this daughter is displeased with her dad's new wife, she asks Reddit:
My dad got remarried five months ago. His new wife is Shana. I (16m) was surprised when Shana immediately tried to step into the role of a mother/mother figure for me. It started with her wanting to sit down and "really discuss what you want to do after high school" without my dad being there.
She told me she felt it was her duty to guide me. She has also tried to make us go on "mom and son dates" and would call them that. When I asked her not to she would tell me we were working on being mom and son and should start off as we want to end up.
She also tried to meet with all my teachers to discuss how I was doing in school. When they said that wasn't an option she asked me to speak to them and I refused. I talked to my dad and he told me she really wanted to be a good parent and couldn't I find it sweet.
I cringed and he asked me if I saw her as any kind of parent. I said no. And I told him she will never be more than his wife. He shut down after that and didn't help me out at all. I could tell he didn't love that I felt that way.
Other stuff that has come up. She got upset when I went to my dad about something coming up in school and never mentioned it to her or asked for her opinion on it.
Then she was upset when I didn't tell anyone at my digital design club (run outside school) about my "new parent" and when she went there to introduce herself to the woman who runs it she wasn't very open with her.
The other upset came in when I told my therapist I wasn't comfortable with her talking with my dad's wife about what we're working on in therapy. She asked for them to sit down and talk about my therapy but the therapist said she would not without my consent.
She also gets upset when I don't want to cook with her, because she knows I used to love cooking with my mom, who died when I was 11. She came up with this plan for us to "better" the stuff my mom and I used to make and it bothers me so much.
Another thing is if I need a ride home I will normally call my grandpa or my aunt and not her. I never call dad since he's not a good driver lol. And I don't have a car so I can't. But she has mentioned before that I should call her.
It all kind of bubbled over last week and she sat me down and asked me why I'm being so cold and distant. She said she's trying really hard to step up to her role as a new mom and a new parent overall and I have so many walls up and I keep pushing her out.
I told her she'd doing too much when I never invited her to do any of this. I told her it was intrusive and really a huge turn off. She looked really surprised.
She told me she had signed up for the role of my parent and I told her I never asked or wanted her to do that. I said she's my dad's wife, nothing more. I told her she cannot come in and act like I'm supposed to love and trust her just like that.
She really didn't like any of what I had to say and she started to yell at me and repeated all the stuff I said. Now she keeps glaring at me. AITA?
NTA and if indeed you communicated with her what you've typed here, I'm actually quite impressed. For a 16 year old to have the emotional intelligence to tell a full grown adult woman that what she is doing is intrusive and not acceptable is exactly right.
Its so selfish for someone to try to "replace" someone that you've lost... especially a figure like your mother. It's a bit surprising to me that your father isn't having more of a say in what is going on.
I certainly don't have a "Fix" for you, but just keep communicating and sharing how you feel. You're not wrong for not wanting a stand in mother and its really rude for her to assume she can just step into that role.
NTA. This is really your Dads fault he should have spoken to her and told her to back off after you spoke to your Dad about it. She made a lot of assumptions about her role in your life, and was not prepared to hear that you don't see her as anything other than tour Dad's wife, not that you hadn't kept telling her.
She will get over it. Maybe she will have a child of her own she can parent one day. In a couple of years you can leave and live your life, go to Uni or get a job and leave them together.
NTA - she is coming on way too strong here and you are communicating that to her and your dad. They most certainly need to respect that. I'd also recommend maybe dont be so “final” with what you say, like telling her you will never see her as anything more than your dad’s wife. Maybe that’s true and totally fine if it is but it likely didnt help the conversation.