Woman tells pregnant friend she 'isn't ready for a baby'; friend demands apology. UPDATE

The truth hurts, which is why a lot of people don't actually want to hear it, regardless of what they claim. While a good friend is an honest friend, sometimes the best move to make as a friend is to keep your judgmental thoughts inside of your head, even if it feels slightly dishonest.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her friends they aren't ready for a baby.

She wrote:

AITA for telling my friends they aren't ready for a baby?

I (26F) recently learned that one of my best friends (26F) and her husband (29M) are expecting a baby. I feel like an a#$ since I didn't react with joy like everyone else but I honestly can't support their decision. They've only been married for a couple of years so there was plenty of time for them to settle down and have kids, in my opinion, but my friend has always had 'baby fever.'

I'm mainly concerned about their ability to be parents. They both work full-time and when they get home they complain they're 'too tired' to take care of stuff around the house: cooking, cleaning, etc. They eat out every night because my friend doesn't know how to cook and her husband just doesn't want to. Their house is always messy between dishes, laundry, and general filth.

They also have poor money management skills, always shopping for stuff they just see and want but don't need rather than buying stuff like groceries to cook actual meals. They've struggled to pay rent a few times because of this. In addition, their house is incredibly small, overflowing with stuff, and not a safe environment for a baby. (It's very old and has a lot issues.)

Realistically, how do you expect to take care of a baby with habits like that and in a space that isn't suited for them? When I expressed these concerns to my friends, they essentially told me I shouldn't worry about it because 'nobody is ever prepared to have a baby' and that I should just be happy for them. I get that you're never really prepared but you can have a game plan, right?

Start saving and making sure you have the stuff and space required? How nonchalant they were about my concerns made me even more anxious; you'd think I was having the baby. Yesterday the topic came up again and my friend asked me if I had changed my mind about it, and when I told her no, she was grated.

I also learned they are now trying to rush a move to get to a bigger and better house even though she's halfway through her second trimester. She starting getting defensive, saying that just because I don't really want kids of my own that I was trying to 'bring her down,' and that I should just support her pregnancy rather than being concerned about 'future problems.'

I told her that she and her husband were too caught in elation to see the reality that being a parent isn't just about cute baby clothes and being a friend to your child. I did get snippy, which I shouldn't have done, but it felt like she was just brushing away what I consider valid concerns.

I did eventually apologize, saying, 'I'm sorry you feel that way but I don't think I'm unjustified here,' which didn't go well because it wasn't a 'real' apology. Not one she wanted to hear, at least. I just can't bring myself to believe they are responsible or mature enough to have a baby and that makes me feel like a bad friend.

So, AITA for telling them they're not ready to have a baby and should have waited until they got their lives together?

Edit: Since a lot of people are saying the same thing, I have expressed these concerns before, many times, prior to my friend actually becoming pregnant. It wasn't unsolicited, she would ask my opinion and I would tell her these things each time.

People had lots of thoughts.

Gullible-Musician214 wrote:

Yes, YTA because at this point it’s too late and you need to be supportive of your friends. Like, your comments are so completely unhelpful I don’t see how you are wondering if you’re the AH. And just to be clear, you are NOT the AH for thinking they’re not ready to have kids, YTA for saying it out loud.

Emergency_Ad_5935 wrote:

YTA. You’re not the reproductive police and they are having this baby whether you like it or not. I hope you don’t expect to remain friends with these people once their baby arrives because they’ll always remember how you didn’t want them to have their kid.

B0xyPandora wrote:

YTA. The child was already on the way, what were they supposed to do with your unsolicited advice? You should have kept it to yourself.

TheSrr wrote:

YTA. Moving into a bigger house IS A PART OF A GAMEPLAN. They didn’t need to have their shit together before, they either will or won’t get it together but as long as you’re assuming they’ll fail you’re being a bad friend.

Buffgrad2003 wrote:

YTA. They’re already having a baby and your crappy comments aren’t supportive. Your friend is right in that no one is ever really prepared for the life alteration of a baby. You don’t know the future. For all you know, they’ll be great parents.

CelebrationIll285 wrote:

NTA. TOO MANY PEOPLE DO THIS. Raising a kid isn’t easy even with all the help and $$$$ you DO have. Source: me. I am a SAHM, formerly in law and my husband makes incredible $. It’s STILL not easy. It’s still a TON of work and a LOT of money. I hate seeing people like this have kids and think it’s so easy and they’ll “learn later” 🤣 that kind of attitude alone is a red flag and they shouldn’t have a kid.

That paired with no real $$ and a future mom who can’t cook and a future dad who doesn’t want to in a filthy house…yeah what could possibly go wrong…. s/ All jokes aside, I knew a couple exactly like this and their baby died from SIDS. I’m not saying it’s their fault, but I am saying I wasn’t the only person who knew what their home life was like and wondered if it was a contributing cause…

Do they make meal prep kits for babies and toddlers? Yes. They do. But they’re extremely expensive. Can she just breastfeed the baby for a couple years? Yes, but some women can’t produce much milk, and some don’t want that extra 24/7 job. Formula right now is $13 a bottle. Those cans of formula are around $52. Babies go through them like no tomorrow. Diapers at Costco are $50 a box.

Oh they both work???? Daycare! Daycare is insanely expensive. If one quits their job to watch the baby, that’s a huge financial strain. How dumb can 2 people be???????????? I am very much the same way, and if I’m friends with you I can’t pretend to be happy and joyous when you’re about to walk into flames and disaster. To me, it wouldn’t be me being a good friend lying by omission.

Pretending. That’s not a real friend. Real friends say the hard stuff. They call you out on your s#$t. They help you become better people. They’re not supposed to just be “yes men” and only tell you what you want to hear. To me, that’s not being a friend at all.

After receiving lots of critiques, OP jumped on with a small update.

Update: I was an @$$hole. I overstepped my boundaries and hurt people I care about, no excuses. I consider myself very fortunate that my friend answered my text message and agreed to see me. She's allowed me to go over to her house tomorrow so that I may properly apologize to her and her husband. I do not expect them to forgive and forget but I would like to tell them I'm sorry.

Hopefully, OP and her friend can come to a place of mutual understanding and support, so the friendship isn't strained moving forward.