'AITA for telling my sister it’s her own fault her family is a mess because she wanted to adopt?'
"AITA for telling my sister it’s her own fault her family is a mess because she wanted to adopt?"
My sister “Lucy” (38) has always wanted a big family. She and her husband “Tom” (40), had their son “Logan” (now 9), but due to complications Lucy couldn’t have more kids. Lucy was devastated.
About three years ago, she and Tom decided to adopt. Tom never outright said he didn't want to go through with it, but it was clear to see he didn’t care one way or the other and just wanted Lucy happy. Logan said he didn’t want a sibling. Lucy brushed over all these concerns with the “they’ll get on board eventually” attitude.
Long story short, they were eventually matched with boy, “Jack”, who is now 11. Lucy said they all bonded, but Jack had behavioural issues and whenever I saw them, I picked up on the fact that over time Tom seemed to be getting less and less keen, and many times when it was just adults he commented on his worry that Jack had latent issues because of his traumatic past.
Lucy adored Jack and rubbished these concerns. I brought up Tom’s hesitation but Lucy said it was just taking longer for him to bond.
They officially adopted Jack about a year ago, and since then things have fallen apart. Jack’s behaviour has either got a lot worse or Lucy wasn’t speaking about it as much before, but it’s clear Tom is at his wit’s end.
According to Lucy he works late constantly and whenever Jack has a tantrum he helps Lucy calm him down, and then takes Logan and leaves the house. Logan now hates Jack and won’t play with him which causes more issues, and he’s started to act out.
He spent his last school holiday with my family and is set to spend Christmas with us again because even the family therapist says it’s good for him to have some space.
Having seen this all unfold has been heartbreaking. Tom and Logan look more miserable every time I see them and though Lucy would never admit it, she does too.
Whenever I speak to her she talks about how hard it is but always has Tom and Logan at fault. She has never taken any accountability for the fact that she didn’t listen to anyone’s concerns.
She called me a couple of days ago to discuss plans for Christmas and when Tom would be dropping Logan off at my home. She again started ranting about Tom has basically shut down at home with her and Jack and how she thinks he’s going to leave.
She was calling him every name in the book and then started saying she was disappointed that Logan doesn’t love Jack and she can’t believe she raised a bully. I lost it.
I told her the really bully was her, she bullied her family into adoption as a form of wish fulfilment and Tom shouldn’t have indulged her but most of the blame falls on her for destroying her family. She screamed and cried and eventually called me evil and hung up.
My parents are now saying I was an AH for telling her that even though we all think it, but I think she needed to hear it, and stop blaming her own child for being unhappy living in the chaos she created.
Tom is not blameless btw. I said to Lucy that Tom shares the blame, but I do think most of it lies with her. Who I don’t think has any blame, no matter how she’s tried to place it on him, is Logan. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
notshockedfruitweird writes:
NTA, but what kind of parent adopts a child OLDER than their own biological child?! I'm surprised the adoption agency didn't pick up on that during the interview.
familyfallingap OP:
Honestly, there’s a LOT I’m surprised wasn’t picked up during the screening process
Like the fact that the dad didn't actually want to adopt.
familyfallingap OP:
Exactly. Or that Logan wasn’t super happy about it either.
That is really concerning.. that someone in the house was clearly saying No and they just… pushed ahead.
familyfallingap OP:
I don’t know that he said no. I wasn’t in the interview. But when my parents asked him if he wanted a sibling, back when they started fostering Jack, Logan said no. I don’t know if his opinion changed or he said something different in the interview but he never seemed thrilled about it when I saw him
Poor Logan. Do his parents not spend any 1:1 time with him?
What you’re doing for Logan is really kind, but isn’t it going to backfire? Eventually, Logan is going to resent leaving his own home for the holidays while Jack gets 100% of their attention, no?
familyfallingap OP:
He wanted to come to us for the holidays. I imagine their house isn’t fun right now
Right. I understand he prefers your home. I guess I’m wondering how much time away from your parents before you start to feel “un-bonded”? I’d be pretty upset if my kid didn’t want to be with me for Christmas.
familyfallingap OP:
Yeah, I get that. I guess they feel “unbonded” is less of a risk than “hateful”, and much less of a risk of him just leaving the house, which is whay they were afraid of since he’d been calling relatives up and asking to come and stay
They’ll see him on Christmas Day as they and my parents are coming for Christmas Day. But yes it’s tough for him to want to spend holidays elsewhere
boyodee writes:
ESH, You, Lucy and Tom. I’ll agree that Lucy played a big part in this and isnt’t holding herself accountable but Tom is also at fault. While it might have been clear to you how he felt, you also admit Tom never vocalized his concerns and has been rather passive overall.
They both played parts here. Couples are supposed to communicate ESPECIALLY for important, life changing joint decisions like adoption, and that didn’t happen. It’s not fair to put all the blame between one or the other.