Woman tells sister that her family is a mess because she adopted kids. AITA?

When this woman is annoyed with her sister and BIL, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for telling my sister it’s her own fault her family is a mess because she wanted to adopt?"

My sister “Lucy” (38) has always wanted a big family. She and her husband “Tom” (40), had their son “Logan” (now 9), but due to complications Lucy couldn’t have more kids. Lucy was devastated.

About three years ago, she and Tom decided to adopt. Tom never outright said he didn't want to go through with it, but it was clear to see he didn’t care one way or the other and just wanted Lucy happy. Logan said he didn’t want a sibling. Lucy brushed over all these concerns with the “they’ll get on board eventually” attitude.

Long story short, they were eventually matched with boy, “Jack”, who is now 11. Lucy said they all bonded, but Jack had behavioural issues and whenever I saw them, I picked up on the fact that over time Tom seemed to be getting less and less keen, and many times when it was just adults he commented on his worry that Jack had latent issues because of his traumatic past.

Lucy adored Jack and rubbished these concerns. I brought up Tom’s hesitation but Lucy said it was just taking longer for him to bond.

They officially adopted Jack about a year ago, and since then things have fallen apart. Jack’s behaviour has either got a lot worse or Lucy wasn’t speaking about it as much before, but it’s clear Tom is at his wit’s end.

According to Lucy he works late constantly and whenever Jack has a tantrum he helps Lucy calm him down, and then takes Logan and leaves the house. Logan now hates Jack and won’t play with him which causes more issues, and he’s started to act out.

He spent his last school holiday with my family and is set to spend Christmas with us again because even the family therapist says it’s good for him to have some space.

Having seen this all unfold has been heartbreaking. Tom and Logan look more miserable every time I see them and though Lucy would never admit it, she does too.

Whenever I speak to her she talks about how hard it is but always has Tom and Logan at fault. She has never taken any accountability for the fact that she didn’t listen to anyone’s concerns.

She called me a couple of days ago to discuss plans for Christmas and when Tom would be dropping Logan off at my home. She again started ranting about Tom has basically shut down at home with her and Jack and how she thinks he’s going to leave.

She was calling him every name in the book and then started saying she was disappointed that Logan doesn’t love Jack and she can’t believe she raised a bully. I lost it.

I told her the really bully was her, she bullied her family into adoption as a form of wish fulfilment and Tom shouldn’t have indulged her but most of the blame falls on her for destroying her family. She screamed and cried and eventually called me evil and hung up.

My parents are now saying I was an AH for telling her that even though we all think it, but I think she needed to hear it, and stop blaming her own child for being unhappy living in the chaos she created.

Tom is not blameless btw. I said to Lucy that Tom shares the blame, but I do think most of it lies with her. Who I don’t think has any blame, no matter how she’s tried to place it on him, is Logan. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought.

notshockedfruitweird writes:

NTA, but what kind of parent adopts a child OLDER than their own biological child?! I'm surprised the adoption agency didn't pick up on that during the interview.

sirdaltonfregnator writes:

NTA. While Tom may be a soft A himself, I can see where he comes from - he probably accepted in order to appease his wife, and he couldn't win in the situation - either his wife would have been permanently angry/disappointed/sad, or he had to try and accept her pledge to adopt a child.

In all of this, she is the one who refuses to see the problem, and even prioritized Jack over Logan (even when Jack wasn't her son yet), and now is even placing the blame on Logan (a child!) calling him a bully just because he doesn't want to stay with Jack. At least Tom seems to be trying to care about his son, while she's not!

She is digging her own grave, I'm afraid. If she at least recognised her own fault in this, and if she stopped blaming exclusively Logan (who has no blame) and Tom (who may have some, but way less than her), she could try and save something in her relationship with them.

Otherwise, I'm afraid both of them would distance themselves from her, sooner or later. Especially Logan - poor boy, he probably can't wait to be old enough to get away from his mother and adoptive brother.

boyodee writes:

ESH, You, Lucy and Tom. I’ll agree that Lucy played a big part in this and isnt’t holding herself accountable but Tom is also at fault. While it might have been clear to you how he felt, you also admit Tom never vocalized his concerns and has been rather passive overall.

They both played parts here. Couples are supposed to communicate ESPECIALLY for important, life changing joint decisions like adoption, and that didn’t happen. It’s not fair to put all the blame between one or the other.