When this woman is faced with a terrifying decision about her pregnancy after she discovers her fiancé of 5 years's dark side, she asks Reddit:
Hefty title, I know, I don’t want this to be long as I’m on a time limit, so I’ll be quick. I (30F) have been dating my (now ex) Fiancé (35M) for 5 years. From my knowledge, our relationship was perfect. He was a gentleman, a sweetheart, kind and genuine, all the things I ever wanted.
A little over a week ago I started feeling pretty sick and nauseous, the possibility of being pregnant really didn’t even enter my mind (as I’ll explain) but I took a test anyway and it came back positive, took another to be sure and yeah, I’m pregnant.
It hurts because I was genuinely so happy at the news, just being really giddy and excited. For context, my ex-fiancé has little to almost no sperm. Not sure of the medical term but his balls are too hot basically.
My ex has always wanted to be a dad, that’s been his dream since I met him, and when we both had fertility testing (when we started trying) he was crushed learning about his infertility. He went on a pretty bad spiral briefly with alcohol that was hard to watch.
Anyway, you can understand how excited I was to tell him all of this. That we were going to have a miracle baby despite his fertility issues. I left work early and headed home, I tried phoning him but didn’t get any answer.
He was in our bed, f--g an escort. I genuinely can’t even explain the heartache I felt. Walking through the house, looking for him, and hearing them together, the absolutely disgusting things she was saying about me (apparently she got off on the fact that he was cheating).
I lost my sh&, crying and yelling, dragged her out by her hair and just started screaming at my ex.
He was apologising, saying he didn’t mean to, that he was sorry and that it was just ‘se%’ and that he loved me. The f-g cheater handbook. I was so angry and hurt, I really shouldn’t have but I just blurted out that I was pregnant and would be booking a visit to the clinic asap.
He didn’t believe me at first, so I threw my tests at him, he started crying a little, then asked if I cheated. I told him it didn’t matter either way because I’d be terminating it and left.
He’s been messaging me constantly, showing up to my parents place apologising and begging for me not to terminate. It hurts because I wanted this baby too, it’s not like it’s an easy decision, but I can’t keep it. I know that I’ll always be tied to him for the rest of my life, and I refuse to let that happen.
I’m grateful for my baby, because they helped me find out about my ex cheating, but I just can’t keep it.
My ex has just been sleeping in his car outside of my parents house, he caught me one time on the way to work, and he said that I don’t even have to be in his life or the babies, that I can sign away all parental rights, and to just please let him have this opportunity, but I mentally can’t. I know that if I kept it I wouldn’t be able to just give it away.
I booked an appointment next week, earliest I can do.
So, AITAH? I feel a bit morally conflicted, especially since this might be his only chance of having biological kids (which he desperately wants).
I’d just like to add that I’m in no way doing this for revenge or for retaliation. That’s not my thought process at all, it’s purely just me, and I don’t really care if it sounds selfish, but I don’t feel like I’ll be happy if I have this child.
I’m thinking about myself, but I genuinely can’t express how much I love him. So the hurt of possibly ruining this chance for him, especially when I saw how distraught he was when he was told that it’s unlikely he’ll have kids, is a lot to deal with.
In no way would I be getting rid of the baby as ‘retribution’. I don’t want to raise a child with this man, I don’t want to spend the next 18-20 years tied to him.
Hmmm tough situation, as you would be stuck with this guy for 18th us years. I can understand him wanting a kid and being hurt by it, but the drinking and his life spiraling out of control because of it? I get the feeling there is more to the story when he spiraled out of control.
It’s probably his only chance to have a bio kid, but he could be a horrible parent with how he’s been acting. The drinking, the cheating, a kid could accidentally come across him bringing escorts home or he just doesn’t change his behavior. There are chances you could be a single parent because he can’t change his destructive ways.
You won’t be likely to be able to terminate your parental rights even though he says you can. It depends on the state and their laws.
I don’t know if he would be a suitable parent because of his self destructive ways and what if he doesn’t change? All I can say it’s a tough one and any decision probably isn’t a bad one. Did you ever confirm the unborn baby is his for sure?
NTA! but sweetheart, maybe give yourself some time to over think everything. Let your emotions be a little less raw and new. It is A LOT to handle and once the procedure is done, there is no turning back.
No one can make this choice for you but you! And there is no wrong you can do.
Both decisions are completely understandable. But please do not make decisions while being very very emotional. Give yourself some time to process. No matter what you choose, you are right! I wish you much wisdom and strength.
I think ultimately it’s your decision… it sounds like you’re conflicted because you wanted this baby, and now because of the ex, you don’t. I totally understand your dilemma, been there, done that and I have regretted it every day since.
My ex was a drug dealer and an addict. I didn’t know because, well I was an idiot and blinded by “love” when really I was blinded by his bold face manipulation. The difference was I found out I was pregnant after I left him.
I knew I didn’t want to be tied to him, he mentally and physically abused me. So I decided to go through with the pill abortion. It was excruciating emotionally. You feel it all. I saw my baby when I expelled it— they don’t tell you that. I was totally unprepared.
Today I struggle with fertility, and have only been pregnant 2 other times. My husband and I have been TTC for over 4 years and even though this baby was my maniac ex’s I regret the day I terminated my first pregnancy.
Everyone is going to think I’m trying to guilt you into keeping your baby, but I’m just asking you to think about what YOU want. If you want an abortion, you should do what you feel is right.
However if you don’t want an abortion and your primary reason is because you don’t want him involved, there are so many ways to keep him out of yours and the baby’s life.
I wish you all of the best OP, and I am so sincerely sorry that you are going through this. All love to you.
Some of these comment are insane. OP can totally sign away her parents rights. Could get stuck paying child support but in no way will she be obligated to put up with him. Cut a check and thats the extent.
Since I am going to rustle some jimmies I am also going to say women should not get 100% of the decision on keeping a pregnancy. They do have to carry the little leeching fleshbag so it should not be a 50/50 split.
More like 75/25. Which functionally still gives the women the majority to actually terminate. Its a semantics argument I hate having but it hurts to see men get 0 say in something they did participate in. Its like not getting credit for a group project.
Now after that let me very clear on NTA. Few reasons. As I established, women should still get the majority.
There are a ton of ways for a pregnancy to naturally terminate without intervention. What I mean is there a chance this baby doesn't make it to term regardless. Honestly the fact human are able to successfully reproduce is insane from a statistics standpoint.
The only way you should consider keeping it from a "just give it to him" standpoint involves him paying for lawyers and IMO getting it in writing you are effectively dead to the child and have no contact and no child support. This also involves you being able to give it up which is its own can of worms.
What would you have done if you caught him cheating at 7 or 8 months? Would you give it up for adoption? Would you walk away? If the child was already born, would you love it less or give it up?
People with children split up all the time. If you had written that he was abusive and you and/or the baby would be in danger, that's another story. Or if he had been pressuring you against your will to have a baby.
But you wanted this baby. Don't let his behavior take it away from you. Almost every word you wrote screams that the abortion IS in retaliation. And it's understandable for that to be your first reaction - but not the end result. You'd be killing a baby you wanted to spite it's father.
It might be your last chance, too. Who knows if/when you'll meet someone else who wants to have children. You're 30, which is not "old" but getting older and later into the child bearing years and the men you'll be meeting will also be older and either already have kids or not want them. I saw you say that's not it....but reread what you wrote. That's it exactly.
I see all the comments, as well as your post, commenting on how it's not worth having a baby "for him." Then all the comments about how it will affect you - which all relate to how angry you are right now. Very important of course. But what about the baby? That you wanted.
I'm not a right wing nut that thinks abortion is evil. I'm totally pro-choice. And while I think abortion should always be a safe, legal option no matter the reason, it is also ending a life which should be given a lot of thought. Not, just....I'm angry and hurt so I'm getting it done.
Take some time, let your emotions settle a bit. Yes, you would have to deal with the father for the rest of your life. But you'd also have a child. That you wanted. And while cheating is horrible, you also said he's been great in every other way.
So he'd probably make a good father. And you don't have to stay with him, obviously, so let him cheat on his SO, while you just enjoy your child and let him help you support and raise him or her.