Daughter rejects absent father, he says her mom 'poisoned' her against him. AITA?
One woman was shocked to hear from her ex sixteen years after the birth of their daughter. He says he finally wants a relationship with their daughter, but she doesn't trust his motivations.
She felt it was fair to tell her daughter all the reasons why she should be wary of letting her previously absent father into her life. Her father says he is trying to make up for lost time and that her mother is being unfair and making him out to be a villain.
'AITA for telling my daughter the truth about her father?'
I got pregnant in college when I was 19. Her father was in the same position. Prior to doing the deed, I told him if anything were to happen I would not be getting an abortion. He said he understood.
When I got pregnant, he refused any contact with my baby or responsibility. He took things further by telling my friends and his family that I planned the pregnancy to trap him, so they wouldn’t judge his actions. This was untrue. He paid mandatory child support but it wasn’t much.
It was hard but I love my daughter and wouldn’t change a thing. She’s wonderful and smart and she’s my whole world.
He reached out to me on Facebook saying he wants to be in his daughters life. He’s married now. I did some stalking online, his wife has frequently posted about her infertility struggle.
I was against it because he’s had no part of her life. It was me who had to drop out of college, work 2 jobs, endure the sleepless nights as a baby and raise her. It was me that kept her belly full and kept her warm. He didn’t give a sh*t.
It was me that endured my friends turning against me and his family’s harassment. And the judgment of society for being a young mom.
And now that he wouldn’t be sacrificing his young years, now he’s finished partying, now he’s got his degree and job, and his wife can’t give him kids to complete his picket fence life, he wants the kid I raised for him? Knowing she is now 16 and he doesn’t really have to do any work other than pick her up now and then.
I told him my thoughts, and he got mad saying that I chose to have the baby not him, which tipped things over for me. I asked him to prove he thought about her, eg a college fund he’s paid into for a while with her in mind or car money. He did not, which again proved to me he only gave a sh*t when he couldn’t make more kids.
I spoke to my daughter but I told her the type of person her father is. I told her he has nothing for her, and I was honest about the fact his wife is infertile so he is reaching out. I told her everything and reiterated basically everything I said in the post.
I told her to think about it, I said I’d support her knowing him, but I affirmed he is not a nice person and his intentions are not where we would want. She chose to not know him.
After I informed him he got mad. He said I ruined his chance to know her, that I’m denying her a father, I told him he was the one that did that.
If it wasn’t for the infertile wife, and lack of college fund or car money (showing evidence he had at least thought about her) then I probably wouldn’t have said anything to her about what he is like. But to me those were red flags.
My mother told me I shouldn’t have poisoned his image to her, that she probably feels rejected all over again and she’s probably hurting. I now feel like I have done wrong by her. AITA?
The commenters were pretty solidly in agreement:
NTA you are protecting your daughter from a potentially traumatizing and harmful situation. It is one thing for him to give up parental rights and for it to remain that way, but what he is doing is treating her like she is some sort of trend of the month.
What is going to happen when he realizes she is a complex, multilayered human with a lot of thoughts and feelings and likely a lot of negative feelings towards him?
I wouldn't trust him with properly taking care of an animal, let alone a child.
I mean, can you callously abandon your child and claim to be even mildly decent?
At 16 the daughter is old enough to make her own informed decisions about what adults she wants in her life. As long as OP is honest about supporting either decision, then the daughter hasn't been denied anything, she's just been given relevant information to make her own decision.
Part of me wants to say E-S-H, because you did poison her views of him, but who could blame you for that? He didn't give a darn for 16 years, and what he did when you were pregnant is indefensible.
You didn't deny her a father, he did. He is nothing but a sperm donor and a stranger to her. Maybe someday she will want to know him as an adult, but I can't imagine he will ever be her dad. You're NTA.
NTA He chose not to be a part of her life, paid a minimal amount of child support, painted you as the pariah, and because he and his wife are struggling to conceive, now he's interested in her after 16 years? How convenient he has a back up child! Now she means something to him.
You told her he was interested in pursuing a relationship with her and you'd support whatever decision she made. He hasn't been around for her entire life... he rejected her. She's well aware of it.
You were frank with her but I feel she needs to know what she's getting into because suddenly she's become a convenience. Had his wife been able to conceive, I wonder if he would still be interested in pursuing a relationship with her? I feel you did the right thing.