Woman UNDERMINES SIL's parenting and makes her daughter 'HATE' her. AITA?
When this woman is concerned that she offended her SIL, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for undermining my SIL's parenting and making her daughter "hate" her?"
I (F38) have two daughters (F13, F8) with my husband Max (M40). Max's sister Rose (F30) has a 11 year old daughter, Anna. Rose never told us who Anna's dad is, and he is not in the picture. Max's mom helped Rose with childcare till she graduated college. Unfortunately, she (Max's mom died in 2020 due to Covid).
Rose had to leave city for a month for her work. She asked if we could take in Anna and we agreed.
In our house, my kids are responsible for washing their own dishes or putting them in dishwasher, putting clothes in laundry and cleaning up their own messes. I don't assign any chores or have them help out more cause I believe they should use that time for studying or any other activities they parttake in.
But they also don't have phones and have to use laptop in common areas. So they are not goofing off. They both read a lot which I love, as a book worm myself.
They don't have bedtimes or rule to keep their rooms perfectly clean. I was raised in a house where both these existed and I hated them. Little messiness, while ruining aesthetic, won't kill me.
I do teach them all lifeskills such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, shoping etc. Even my 8 year old knows this. I just do this during vacations. I don't like taking time away during school year. They are expected to do well in school and get into activities which they do.
This was surprising to Anna when she came to live with us. Rose had strict rules about bedtime, room cleanliness, and asked Anna to help with all chores. My bookworm school oriented kids made Anna want to study more.
She asked if I could help her study like I helped my kids. I said yes and she performed really well in school that month. Her As went up on our fridge with her cousins and we were all happy for her.
But when Rose came back last month and took Anna home, her grades started dropping again. Anna blamed Rose for making her work so hard and said "I hate you. I wish (me) was my mom".
Rose called and blamed me for putting ideas into her daughter's head. That she doesn't have a partner and can't maintain a perfect house like me. She said I was an AH for undermining her parenting and making her daughter "hate" her. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
getfup writes:
NTA But also an asshole for thinking using phones is inherently 'goofing off', but reading isn't. You can read goofy useless stuff and you can do goofy useless stuff on a phone.
80% of what I do online(which could be done on a phone) is at least as useful as reading, and that's not speculation, I actually love reading too. arguably its better than a lot of reading if its just fiction too but lets not get judgy.
as long as you know what they are doing on the phone they should be allowed. Scrolling on instagram and twitter = essentially useless(unless they have a specific hobby they only can find content there) but if they are doing stuff like watching youtube tutorials for their hobbies, they are actually learning things.
annapinbox writes:
NTA It’s unfortunate that Rose refuses to recognize the obvious: Anna thrives with more autonomy and a little support as opposed to a rigid rule schedule. You did not undermine Rose at all.
It’s likely true that Anna needs to help with more chores in her home since Rose is single and works full-time; however, it’s possible that Rose is a bit extreme in her expectations of her 11yo daughter.