Woman upsets husband when she demands fertility testing before marriage. AITA? UPDATED.
When this woman feels guilty that she may have upset her husband, she asks Reddit:
"AITAH for Asking my Husband for a Fertility Analysis Before we got Married?"
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 2 years before that so this came as a bit of a surprise when he recently brought it up. We were in the middle of a small argument and he brought up how hurt he had been that I had asked him for a sperm test before we got married.
To clarify my husband had had to undergo chemo therapy for a while before we met (not cancer) and we were told that this could possibly affect his sperms count and our chances to have children.
While I loved him very much (we had been together for around 2 years at that point), I wanted children more than anything. He knew this from the very start. That it was a deal breaker for me not to be able to have children.
I constantly suggested we both go get tested but he didn't really care about kids at the time so told me not to bother going. But I still wanted to go together. He ended up going and was told he would be able to have children but it seems like he hasn't forgiven me for asking him.
To clarify I had been asking almost from the start of the relationship when I found out he had done chemo and he was always just brushing me off.
Now we have 2 amazing kids and he loves them SO much.. but maintains that I was wrong to hurt him that way. That my asking him suggested that I didn't love him enough to marry him if he was infertile. Tbh I hadn't thought that far ahead, at the time I just wanted to know what our options were before worrying too much about it.
I also told him that not being able to have children would have made me extremely unhappy in our marriage and that I would have always wondered what if.
His response was what if I was the one who wasn't able to have kids? And in my mind I completely understand his point of view and I do feel like I may have been an AH. So tell me reddit.. WITAH?
Let's see what readers thought.
chemicalbein9 writes:
NTA. Honestly, couples break up all the time because of wanting vs not wanting kids. IVF, adoption, and surrogacy are insanely expensive and stressful to go through.
Many couples who are really in love end up ending it over the difference. So your request and need to know isn't that wild to me, but maybe there needs to have been a deep conversation about this beforehand.
fundepartrment8 writes:
Let’s start with the fact that your husband was deeply hurt by your repeated requests. To the extent that it’s taken this long for him to speak about it.
And also, that you didn’t “try” first but went ahead and made it a condition of marriage without considering IVF and other options IF they were needed. Your behaviour clearly communicated that his sperm were more important in the situation than he was. Sorry, but this is a mild YTA at the very least.
adorablegrowth8 writes:
YTA Turn it around. A man insists that his fiance gets tested to ensure she is able to have children.
He argues that having his children is a non-negotiable he would not be happy in a marriage unless she can give birth. He would be called the worst kind of ass. People would argue that there are many other options out there and he clearly did not love his fiance very much. They would be right.
After being called an AH numerous times, OP offered several fascinating updates.
Edit/Update: I have tried to respond to as many comments as I can but am going to have to stop now because it's getting a bit much. I just wanted to clarify a few points that keep popping up in the comments.
1- The comments seem to be mostly that I am TA. Fair, I accept I was the AH in that situation but I really didn't appreciate the vulgar comments. I came to talk and people seem so ready to attack instead of just give an opinion (AH or not).
To some of you.. I hope you get the help you need if you feel like being hateful to a random person online makes you feel better about yourselves.
2- I absolutely in no way "forced" him to do that test. He had every right to say no. I asked multiple times over the 2 years (including trying to talk about it... multiple times) and he always brushed me off.. until he didn't. I also complained understand now after talking to him why he brushed it off.
3- My husband absolutely understands why I asked him. Just like I absolutely understand why he feels hurt. I have already apologized and we have talked about it like adults. He harbours 0% resentment towards me and does not think I'm a "disgusting person"
4- For everyone who suggested counselling.. we did the healthy thing for our marriage and started counselling early on because we believe all relationships have issues and we wanted to tackle everything head on from the start and learn how to communicate in a healthy way. This is just something he never mentioned before.
5- I am absolutely grateful for everyone who took the time to comment, whether in a constructive way (both AH and NTA) and those who were trying to be hurtful and less constructive.
Because it reminded me that we are all people going through our own thing. I am not hurt by these comments because I try to be a better person every day and do the best I can for my family. I wish you all love in your lives.
6- We are not defined by mistakes that we make. For people insulting me.. come on grow up. You have every right to your opinion but calling me disgusting and vulgar and surprised that he would marry me? Someone even suggested that he should have hit me. That one made us both giggle a little because of how unhelpful it was.
7- My husband and I come from VERY different cultures. In mine (as I mentioned in one of the comments) we do not have children before marriage (absolutely no judgement to those who do) and we do not get divorced except for infidelityand infertility.
That's why I told him we should BOTH get tested and it absolutely would have been 100 percent fair if he had ended the relationship after finding out I couldn't have children and he wanted them. Because we would have wanted different things.
8- My husband did not have cancer. He underwent chemo because his appendix had ruptured and as a result of that they had to surgically clean inside around that area (sorry I don't what that is in English).
He had some growth and they decided to shrink it with chemo instead of attempt to remove it surgically for a couple of reasons. And no he did not consider storing his sperm at the time. This was years before we met.
9- Finally.. a lot of people "suggested" that there were "many" other ways to have children. I asked him after many people commented (we've been reading a lot of these together) if he would have considered a sperm donor. Firm no from him, and call me backwards but I do not want to carry another man's child.
Where we live adoption is pretty hard and could take many many years if ever. It is an emotionally turbulent experience. And IVF is out of the question both financially and emotionally. I watched a very close friend suffer through 11 years of IVF which never took until it did and they had a severely disabled child..
and to say she, her husband and her marriage suffered would be an understatement. It's easy for some people who have never seen this first hand to think they know what they are talking about. Thank you everyone for commenting but I will no longer be responding to comments. I have a cake to bake.