Woman won't care for sick ex-stepmom due to tumultuous family history. AITA?
When this woman is guilted by other members of her family for refusing to take care of her 'toxic' ex-stepmom, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for refusing to help care for my former stepmother?"
My former stepmother (my late father's widow) is terminally ill. I have not seen her since his death seven years ago. I kept minimal contact with my half siblings (15 and 16) through her but not closely either. My relationships with them were complicated and I do not care for the woman at all.
My former stepmother's brother contacted me and told me she needs someone to take care of her now and it should not fall on my half siblings and cannot fall on him as he lives in another state. Her condition is terminal and they believe she has less than a year left.
I was told by her brother that I should take responsibility for helping to care for her given she was my stepmother for many years of my life and she is the mother to the two kids I should be willing to take in once she has passed. He told me refusing to care for their mother is going to permanently end my relationship with them.
For those wondering about background. My mom and my former stepmother were very close friends and before my mom's death, my former stepmother and father betrayed her by carrying out an affair.
I overheard the fight when my mom found out the truth. Once my mom had passed my former stepmother decided to create a huge scene at my mom's funeral and insulted my mom's parents and insulted her sisters for saying my former stepmother had no place at the funeral.
There's such a long…toxic history. She tried to say as my future stepmother and my mom's closest friend she would always have a place. I called her names that day. She told me I would regret it one day. That day has never come.
But she did revel in telling me all my mom's flaws after she and my dad married. I never saw dad the same way either. But he refused to let the relationship go completely and did his best to maintain contact once I left his house. He died when I was 20.
I told him I would not care for his sister and I made it very clear to him that I was not going to make her end of life any easier than she made my mom's. My half siblings called me and told me their mom was asking for me and they were scared and wanted me to be there at the end.
They said she needs someone to help her and they can only do so much with school, that they hate leaving her alone. I told them I was sorry and I knew what it was like to watch your mom slowly fade, but that I was not the one to do it. My half brother asked if I didn't love her at all after all this time. I said no. He told me to stay the hell away then and from them as well.
My father's sister heard about all that happened and she told me I should be more mature than that and I should be more loving and compassionate to my half siblings.
She told me I should love them more than I hate their mom and agree to care for her to make their next year a lot less stressful. When I refused she called me a cruel and selfish person and she told me I was behaving like the very person I hated the most. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
verylastboyscout writes:
NTA "I was told by her brother that I should take responsibility for helping to care for her given she was my stepmother for many years of my life and she is the mother to the two kids I should be willing to take in once she has passed." Did he mention, how he came up with this delusion? Was it a brain-injury? Or did he suffer a stroke recently?
"He told me refusing to care for their mother is going to permanently end my relationship with them." Nice try on emotional blackmail. If only the threat would work. So assholery runs in this family? That is another reason to stay away from these people.
coldstreamcapple writes:
NTA. With everything that has gone down these people have a LOT of nerve to tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing. Are you financially better off than them which is why all of them are so eager for you to take over her care?
Ultimately you have EVERY right to feel how you feel and whilst it’s unfortunate your half siblings probably don’t fully understand why you hate their mother so much (I’m guessing they’ve been told a different story) you are also not obligated to stay in their lives if you choose not too.
My advice is walk away from the dumpster fire, accept you will most likely have no relationship with your fathers side and live your best life.
organicworld6 writes:
I’m fascinated by all of these people who are so eager to tell you that this is your responsibility, and yours alone. You would think that -interstate or not- her actual brother would be first in line to help rather than an estranged former step son. Not to mention, you’re still pretty young if I’ve mathed it correctly.
What I don’t know is how truncated your recounting of your convo with your half brother was. If it played out literally as you said, it sounds rather callous and certainly could have been handled more sensitively. It is a terrible position for them to be in and it sounds like your brother viewed you as family even if you didn’t reciprocate.
I‘d lean towards saying youre NTA, but if you have residual feelings for your half siblings and want to not have this hanging over your head, you could try to broker a compromise with all of these people who supposedly care so much for them all. Such as joint contributions towards a part time career.