'AITA for demanding my husband quit his job?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for demanding my husband quit his job?"

A year ago my husband got a really great job. He loves it. It over doubled our income. The problem is he's never here. It requires a lot of travel and he's gone more of the month than he's home. We have three kids. 8, 6, 3. We have two dogs. I am run ragged. I don't have any family to help me. I don't have time for friends.

It's never-ending. Cleaning, kids, cooking, kids, dogs, dogs, school, kids, cleaning cleaning kids CLEANING COOKING CLEANING. No time for me whatsoever. Before my husband got this job we worked opposite schedules. I worked in a restaurant/bar in the evenings. Didn't pay great but a couple really good friends worked there with me. It was how I socialized.

Now that he's gone, I couldn't work that job since nobody watches kids at night. Now I work a part-time retail job I hate with what are essentially children (in comparison to me). I don't get to socialize like I used to. I only work the hours my kids are in school. But we have after-school activities, homework, dogs, dinner, never-ending chores, etc. THERE IS NO TIME FOR ME.

I don't even get to sleep alone since my 6-year-old has night terrors. When my husband was here, things felt more divided. I still did a lot during the day, but it wasn't never-ending. There would still be days I didn't have to worry about lunches or bath time or homework because my husband would pick up the slack. I could go out with friends from time to time.

Don't even get me started on what it's like when the kids get sick and then I inevitably get sick. It's absolute misery and he's not around to see it. I'm left drowning. But he doesn't want to quit. He loves his job and that's fair. I can see he's way happier now, but what about me? Don't I matter? I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this.

I demanded for the sake of my sanity he quit his job, but he exploded. He thinks we're doing better than ever. We could get a bigger house soon (we live in 2 bedroom rancher but I like it). That the kids will have so many more opportunities, etc, and he's not wrong, but what about me?!?!?! AITA?

People had strong opinions.

xdem112 had a lot to say.

OP, based on your other comments regarding what you pay for out of your meager salary and how little he apparently has money for even with the increase, something really fishy is going on. Do you have access to see his accounts and his spending?

** ETA after OPs response(s) with super important info I’ve compiled here: She doesn’t have access to his account. She’s raising three kids who aren’t hers or his because he wanted to take in his sister's kids. She pays for preschool and groceries and any other household fees. She doesn’t have a washer/dryer and pays to do the laundry at a laundromat.

She sleeps on a pull-out couch so the kids can have rooms. She skips lunch to afford to feed the kids. She works to support the kids the full time their schedule is occupied. She pays for her own gas/car insurance and receives absolutely no spending money from him in any capacity. OP loves these kids deeply and it would be hard to leave because she may have limited options to stay in their lives.

**OPs inheritance due to a family death is also the only reason the could afford their current house to begin with, which just makes the financial divide so much stranger. When her husband is home a week a month, he doesn’t help. He goes to the gym (membership fee?,) fishes, spends time with friends, has a great time “resting” but hallelujah sometimes he has dinner ready /s.

OP, these kids need someone who can support them financially and emotionally. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow. That means both of you need to be able to work as a team. At least at this point, your husband is doing all four of you a disgusting disservice. He gets to flit away and enjoy the ego boost of doing a “good thing” with none of the sacrifice.

You’re living in abject poverty while his life, room/board, and meals are all covered. He returns with enough spare money for downtime, the gym, and I’m assuming meals out with friends. I don’t believe he’s being honest about the money. You need help badly, and if he can’t be there to provide it someone has to, there should be money there to hire help.

He is entrapping you, and not favoring those kids and much as he thinks. Something has to give. Edit: You have been conditioned to accept his behavior, you believe he knows best and you’re too stupid to see that even in your abhorrent conditions.

pineapple1347 wrote:

So let me get this all straight. You and your husband took in his sister's three children. You and your husband sleep on a pull-out couch to accommodate them. You did 80% of the household duties and childcare. Your husband got a new job that he loves. It doubled his income, but now he's away three weeks out of the month. You had to quit a job you enjoyed to do a job you hate.

You also now do 100% of the household duties and childcare. Your husband claims that you cannot afford to hire help. You skip lunch to save money while your husband is away working. When he's home, he likes to rest. Girl what the f#$k are you DOING in this "relationship?!?!"

You're taking care of your husband's niece and nephews and SKIPPING MEALS even though his income DOUBLED? Why is his money not your money? Why do you have separate finances when you have three children to look after and you can only work when they're in school? What the ACTUAL F#$K is going on here?

Interesting_Order_82 wrote:

NAH. But hire regular house cleaners. Order a meal kit subscription service. Work smarter, not harder. Hire a babysitter from time to time and meet with friends.

darya42 wrote:

NTA. Why do you put up with him? You're slaving away for HIS job, HIS sister's kids (even if you two adopted them, and see them as yours) and HIS leisure time. You are royally getting f**ed for HIM to have HIS dream life.

You are 100% Y T A for OMITTING this vital information in your original post:

"btw, the dogs are mine. The kids are technically not (I would never say this to them). They are his sister's kids (she's an addict). He grew up in and out of foster care and was adamant they not go there (which is where they'd go if not with us)."

I'm getting royally fed up by OPs omitting such crucial information (except writing about it at some rando hidden point in the comments) that changes the entire verdict and outcome.

SleepingThrough1t wrote:

ESH - Your husband is an unimaginable AH. If you’re doing 100% of caring for the home and the children that you stepped up to provide for after HIS sister was unable to, he should be paying for daycare, food, and basically ALL the family expenses. His income more than doubled, but his contribution in other ways reduced significantly.

You should not tolerate him keeping that entire increase and making the decisions about how it is spent. How is none of that going directly to you in exchange for you taking care of HIS responsibilities (50% of household chores, childcare, etc.)? YTA to yourself for absolutely insisting on being a doormat…and then for proposing a ridiculous solution like him taking a 50%+ pay cut…that math doesn’t work.

Even if he was only making $2k/month, that’s $1k ADDITIONAL that he could be splitting with you to allow for a house cleaner, extra daycare, the occasional babysitter, etc. YOU are the one making it possible for this extra money to come in. YOU are absolutely entitled to some of it to make the burden manageable.

He’s also an AH to those kids. If you cannot afford 3BRs or to pay for food for all of them or for reasonable childcare, you’re not actually helping them as much as your husband thinks. The first thing he should’ve done was look into being designated foster parents yourselves so that you could actually get some financial assistance.

And after not taking care of them financially, he takes a job with 75% travel and doesn’t actually take care emotionally or physically either. And refuses to help the only person who actually is so that you can be emotionally and mentally there for them as opposed to falling apart and crying all day.

After receiving lots of deeply opinionated feedback, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: I sent this to my husband. A lot of people are saying he abuses me. I know in my heart this is NOT his intention. He is NOT a bad man. I want him to read through everything and really think about it and how much I'm struggling and how desperately I need his help. So many of you agree with me that I can't do it all and I'm very thankful I'm not alone in those thoughts.

Then, a bit later, OP shared a major update:

UPDATE 2: I just got off the phone with my husband. We talked for awhile. Naturally, he's quite upset and is feeling rather defensive, but he is very sorry. That is not an easy thing for him to say yet he said it very clearly multiple times. He is going to try to catch a flight home tomorrow. He going to take a week or two off work to help me get some things set up in place for me.

Help around the house and some babysitting. He encouraged me to take time off work as well and to just stop thinking about finances for right now. He said he'll deal with it for awhile. He says whenever I go back to work it won't be like it was. He will help me. He'll make sure I have some extra money and extra time. I could cry with relief. I am crying with relief😭😭😭

And now, there is yet another major update:

UPDATE 3: I don’t know if anyone will read this, but he’s home. THANK GOD. He’s not angry. He’s not yelling. He’s been very affectionate and worried about me. I’ve seen his bank account and it’s been going exactly where I’ve been saying debt (heloc and line of credit if it matters) and savings (for moving). He’s paid off over $40,000 of debt this past year. He’s not cheating. There’s no other family or whatever.

He’s just had tunnel vision. He wants to sell our place and have all our finances in order before our mortgage is up for renewal in 6 months since the rates have gone way up and our mortgage will be very high. He never meant to hurt me or make me suffer.

He just desperately wants out of our house and needs all the finances in order to make the transition smooth. He never realized how much I was struggling. He’s been hyper-focused on what he thought was a family goal. He thought I was on the same page as him.

Before he got his new job I was not paying for everything for the kids. Somehow it just transitioned since I was with them and he wasn’t. He was paying all the household bills while away and never really thought about how I was managing. In his mind, he was paying all the bills and nothing was really left to me. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. He is going to help me a lot more going forward.