Woman's partner is non-verbal during fights, partner blames autism, she's not convinced.
When a woman is upset with her partner, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for thinking my partner is using their autism as a cop-out?'
My partner and I started dating last year and at the beginning of the relationship they told me that they believed they might be on the spectrum but that they never had a formal diagnosis.
Earlier this year they started fully identifying as autistic and have told people in person or by posting it on Facebook. Over the course of our relationship I have seen behavior that definitely supports their identity (the most obvious behavior is going non-verbal when faced with confrontation, real or imagined).
It's also pretty clear their child is on the spectrum and I've been advocating for both of them in all parts of their lives, doing research and learning as much as I can about autism, how to best support them, and the different ways I can make our household a safe place to unmask. Here's where I need advice, AITA?
We finally just moved in together about 2 months ago and I do pretty much all of what I expect to be shared labour in our relationship/household. I cook, clean, go grocery shopping and any other errand, pay the bills and bring in most of the bacon, I take care of their child, bathing them, brushing their hair, buy their clothes.
Its an endless list and it's exhausting. I also work a full time job that's pretty heavy work. My life outside of my relationship is already full, and I am so overwhelmed. I have tried communicating to my partner in so many different ways that I need them to participate in some part of their/our life.
They work 25-30 hours a week at a low stress job and then come home and watch TV, thats it. I've bought adult games to try to communicate better (fair play and grok cards). But every time I try to discuss these issues they go non verbal and the conversation is just over.
Everytime I try to remind them of the household chores they agreed to be in charge of they will either say they'll get to it and won't, I will have to keep reminding them (and feel like a nag) or they shut down.
This past weekend I reached my breaking point. I'm not a yeller, but I am definitely a crier when I'm upset and I just cried for over a day. I asked for some space and for us to not sleep in the same bed for a couple of days.
But this is not a sustainable relationship for me if they don't find some sort of tools or resources to show up. In trying to educate myself fully and more in depth about how autism presents itself I have not found anything that supports this behavior besides burn out.
But I do so much to support them and create a happy healthy life as well as ease and comfort that I can't help but feel like they are just taking advantage of me and using their undiagnosed identity as a cop-out.
I will also share that I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD and have some mental health struggles of my own. I have also been in therapy for a long time and have lots of tools to practice adaptive coping mechanisms.
Our relationship is hetero. Some of my close friends have suggested that this behavior may be stereotypical male privilege on my partners behalf.
Let's find out.
theempressisin writes:
YTA. this is so rude and ignorant of you to write.
self-diagnosis is the only option for some autists for many reasons. not least of all the fact that is it nigh impossible to see a psych doctor and get testing within a year; many waiting lists are even longer.
further, many psych doctors are not even up to date on what ASD is and that is can occur in adults. it does not just go away! we grow into autistic adults.
to call partner misogynist is plain offensive when you know nothing about them, and reeks of ableism.
1962michael writes:
NTA. Your partner is self-diagnosed, but even if they are autistic, that is not an excuse for laziness.
I am really curious how this person lived before you moved in together. Did they do their own housework? Were they living with a caregiver? It certainly seems like they have put everything on you and are simply avoiding anything unpleasant.
The bottom line is, you don't have to live like this. If they can't hold up their end of the housework, (or especially the care of their own child) then they should be in an assisted living facility or get a housekeeper, or something like that.
Not just take advantage of their partner's generous spirit.