My ex and I alternate every thanksgiving. This year it is my holiday. My boyfriend and I had planned to have thanksgiving with his family and friends this year and they are coming to our house. I would like my sons (14 and 7) to spend the holiday with them and their little sister.
However my ex's sister and brother have kids (their cousins) that they are close to.
The kids are bugging me to let them go over to their house after they spend some time with me so they can go to their thanksgiving because 'my boyfriend's family is boring and weird'??
Which I find incredibly disrespectful. My boyfriend has been in their lives for 2 years now and we just moved in with him this year. My teen in particular has been refusing to bond with my boyfriend, told me he 'looks like Jeffrey Dahmer' and 'his family is weird and a bunch of rednecks'.
My 7 year old told me that my boyfriend's friends are also weird and ask him weird questions like 'why does he have both a tablet and a nintendo switch'. My 7 year old is fine with my boyfriend though and my bf is involved with the kids and watches them and takes them to school for me when I work.
I am mostly upset with my teen as he is being unfair to my bf who has been trying hard to talk to him. Meanwhile they love the shit out of my ex's girlfriend so it's obviously not an issue of not liking significant others of their parents.
Anyway Thanksgiving is a time for family in my mind, and they spent last year's Thanksgiving with their dad's family and cousins.
I told them no, they cannot go and they are to spend the entire day with me and my boyfriend. Now my older son is throwing a fit and saying he is just going to go to his room and not come out. My younger son is fine. AITA?
I guess I’m odd out, but I’m going with NTA. Your son is being a turd, which isn’t uncommon for teens. My daughters, similar age, prefer to go to one grandparent’s house regularly but fight on the others.
Too bad for them, they can deal with it for a few hours once a year. It’s kind of hard to get to know them if they are not there
YTA. You are the type of woman that I really dislike. Let your kids go. I don't see why they cannot spend half the day with both families. Their feelings & thoughts matter more than yours. Stop making it all about YOU.
craftycan5696 writes this manifesto about the situation:
Did you grow up in a home where your divorced parents pitted you against each other? Your ex left you and his partner did not prevent him from getting back with you. If it wasn’t her, it would’ve been someone else. He made an active choice, aka not you.
Speaking ill of your ex’s partner clearly doesn’t work does it? Instead she shows grace and patience, helps your sons with their schoolwork, and provides them with a positive family environment.
You provide them with guilt and an uncomfortable environment. The only way they will come around to your boyfriend is if you give them grace to set their own kind of relationships. If you tell them it’s up to them what kind of involvement they want and then support them.
I don’t know hold your newest child is or how sleep deprived you are right now (baby sleep deprivation is real and awful!) but you aren’t the victim here. You’re very well on the way to becoming the villain.
I know you think the GF stole your former partner away, but she didn’t. Your partner was already gone you just decided he wasn’t. The best thing you can do is show your boys that you can co parent healthily. I would recommend therapy OP if that was something you could access.
However, for therapy to work you would need to be open to discussing your own flaws and what responsibilities you held in the demise of your former relationship. You seem pretty keen on crying innocent. Look, at some point your sons will be able to go to the courts and request a change in custody if they want.
When your oldest hits 18 you will no longer be able to control him, guilt him, or trap him. He will be able to cut you off. I know you think that won’t or shouldn’t happen, because you gave birth to him.
You gave birth to a complete separate human being OP, who has seen that you deny responsibility, soak in your bitterness, and refuse to support the kinds of relationships your son is open to.
You aren’t owed loyalty because you’re his parent, but your children are owed a good parent who owns their faults and grows.
I don’t know how you were raised OP, but if you think your Ex’s partner showing loving kindness and actual parenting towards your kids is brainwashing. Then you must’ve had some awful noninvolved parents.
Look Op, what kind of parent did you need as a child? What kind of support and love should you have received?
Did you need parents who showed you how awfully they could treat each other? How they showed you that their failings were their partners’s faults and never took accountability?
That their love depended on your loyalty? I mean they fed you, housed you (which is what parents should do, that isn’t a benefit that’s not even the baseline of what parents owe the kids they choose to have).
Are you being the kind of parent you needed or are you repeating patterns that left you bitter, resentful, and full of rage? Is this what you want to pass on? This kind of anger and hatred?
YTA OP, your boys offered a good compromise. You want them to play happy family with you. But they aren’t happy and your boyfriend isn’t their family.