Mom asks 'AITA?' for throwing kids' clothes on floor when they don't fold them neatly. UPDATED
Every parent has their own disciplinary methods—and some are stricter than others. But when does "strict" cross a line into cruel, or even abusive? A mom asked the internet for advice after her unorthodox parenting methods upset her kids so much that her teen daughter moved out.
AITA for throwing my kid’s clothes onto the floor when they don’t fold their clothes neatly?
She wrote:
So I’ve always been kind of a neat freak mom the entire time my kids have been alive. I always expect their rooms to be clean, and I check their drawers/closets/storage bins to make sure they don’t just shove stuff in there to make the room appear clean.
The kids (16, 13, 9, and 6) are all responsible for putting away their laundry, and my oldest two are responsible for folding their own clothes. Which bothers me because my 13 year old folds his clothes in a way that bothers me, he rolls them up instead of properly folding them.
Ever since the kids have been home and have more free time, I am more strict about the way they put away their clothes. I expect their clothes to be folded a certain way and organized in a certain way in their drawers.
I read from a mommy blogger a few years ago, that when her kid’s drawers weren’t organized she would make a mess for them to organize the right way. I considered it for a few years, but now that the kids are old enough, I think it’s the way to go for us.
I havent had to do this until yesterday, I walked into my 16 year old’s room while she was Facetiming her boyfriend, and saw her basket of laundry that needed to be folded and out of curiosity, opened her drawers, and saw she has shoved her clothes in there. I started making a mess and she screamed “Mom why?” and I told her she knew why.
After that I walked out of her room, she explained to her boyfriend what I did and he says “Your mom’s crazy bruh” and I peek my head into her room, give her a look, and she ends the call with him and breaks down crying. I told my husband what happened, he told me “I knew said you were gonna do that but I didn’t know you would actually follow through.”
This morning I woke up to a note on my daughter’s door saying “Until mom can get mental help, I’m staying with Aunt (my sister’s name)” I texted her, no response. I tried contacting my sister, who said she has no plans to return until I “get mental help and stop being such a controlling bitch”
My husband, sister, and mom are all against me in this which hurts. I don’t think it harmed my daughter, it benefits her and helps her stay organized.
The post went viral, and received a barrage of impassioned pushback from commenters. Many people empathized with her kids and her husband, and even urged her to seek help.
Here's what some of the top commenters had to say:
From [deleted]:
YTA
You know who acts like this?? Marine Corps Drill Instructors. Why? To mentally f*** with recruits. This is not okay within the family unit. Its insane that you think it’s okay to control how your kids fold their clothes in their drawers.
From OKCBaller035913:
This is completely horrid. Op is totally YTA. If my mom did this I would be gone. I completely empathize with the daughter
From DontRunReds:
YTA - You shouldn't even be in your older two children's rooms much, let alone going through their drawers. Plus just because they do it differently than you doesn't make the way they put away clothes incorrect. What you did was take objectively clean clothes and put them on a dirty floor. Your oldest girl was right to go to the aunt for a cooling off period with you. She's in safe hands.
FWIW you have to give your teens some level of independence now for them to be functional adults later. (Or for them to want any relationship with you). Kids that are micromanaged, from what I've seen, really go a bit too wild in college and that not. So if you're trying to make everything backfire later, by all means continue being controlling to this unreasonable degree
From bshoe1992:
YTA. my mom used to do this and now we have minimum contact. seek mental help before you alienate your kids entirely because there's a difference between expecting a clean space and being an unreasonable control freak
From madman636:
YTA take a look at yourself bc I doubt this is the only thing that made her leave. You most likely have a pattern of being controlling and This was just the last straw. The way you decided to act was more akin to a child than an adult. You made a mess bc you didn’t get your way. That’s moronic
From Ijustwantedguacamole:
YTA for sure... it’s their space, and tbh i don’t see how their drawers being organized bothers you at all.. so what if they just shove clothes in there? It’s their loss for being unorganized, but just let it go. I can sort of understand wanting a clean room but really? Going into their space and making a mess? Especially while she is on the phone with her BOYFRIEND... how embarrassing...
Not everyone is able to take this kind of feedback. But it turns out, this mom actually listened!
A few months later, the mom responded with this UPDATE:
Almost 2 months ago I made a post on here about me throwing my daughter’s clothes onto the drawer when they weren’t folded neatly. Well that post really blew up, people on Twitter also chimed in.
Well the night I made the post, I was still in serious denial. I replied to some comments and my denial was perfectly clear for everyone to see.
The day after I read some more comments and messages I received from everyone. I resorted to the guest room and cried for hours. I read some people tell me that their moms were similar to me and they no longer have relationships with them. That was truly my worst fear, I seriously love my kids more than anything on this planet even if my actions don’t always show it.
I booked a virtual appointment with a phycologist, who diagnosed me with OCD and let me know she would help me. I have since had about 8 sessions with her and she has been a big help. Of course I still have a long way to go but I have been noticing some improvements already.
As for my daughter, she stayed at my sister’s house and came home a few days later after I told her that there would be major improvements made in my behavior. I sat all the kids down and told them that I have the resources to not be such an overbearing asshole to them anymore.
One thing I do want to address is the fact that I was usually controlling with my kids, but the incident I wrote about was the one that sent both me and my daughter over the edge.
Me and her are on much better terms. I want to thank Reddit for waking me the hell up to become a better mom and wife. I also want to apologize to anyone who I brought back bad memories to. I want to have relationships with my children until we all grow old and I know so many of you guys don't have that, which breaks my heart but also hearing your stories gave me a big change of heart and are helping me fix my relationships and become a better person.
Many commenters praised the mom for being willing to change her behavior. Here's what some had to say:
From ZNBraeleon:
Hey, good for you on taking the initiative and changing for the better! I hope your kids admire the changes you're making to be a better parent to them. OCD is super hard without help to manage, so congrats!
From [deleted]:
I wasn't expecting a wholesome update like this, I really thought OP would be coming back to double down. What a nice surprise!
This is AITA goals right here.
From Iprofessionalstudent:
Great job OP! Personal growth is often difficult. Keep it up and your relationship with your daughter will continue to repair.
From darcicjstuhlman:
I just want to add that the pandemic and a ton of other current events are very triggering to OCD. I was diagnosed in ‘15 and have had resources to help me; in 2019 I felt very good about where I was with OCD. By mid-March 2020 I was in a very dark place. Please hold yourself accountable, but also forgive yourself when things get hard.
As a child whose parents had mental health struggles that made my childhood difficult to nightmarish, I also just want to thank you for being honest worth yourself and being able to keep growing. I am so proud of you!!!
From CharlzyWoodzy:
My mum was like this when I was a kid. We now no longer speak due to her overbearing, controlling behaviour and for many other reasons that she refused to get help for and still to this day, won't.
I wish my mum had took it upon herself to recognise how much damage she was doing and make moves to amend it in the way you have OP, as we may still have a relationship if she had. It's too late for us but not for you and your daughter. Good luck 💜
From dee09thur:
What a great update. Thank you for letting us know. I'm so glad you're getting the help and that it's been working so far.
I wish you and your family the best.
Balancing mental health issues and being a parent can be challenging. Kudos to this mom for putting in the work to change her behavior.
Have you ever experienced anything like this, as a parent, or as a kid?