Man tells wife she needs to 'stop hovering' over living son after older son's death.
Grief is an unwieldy captain, it will take your brain places you never imagined and it often feels like you've lost all control. One of the challenges of managing grief is finding balance between the giant feelings, while still being mindful of how your actions affect others. This is no easy feat when you're in the jaws of it.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for telling his wife to stop hovering over their living son because of their deceased one. He wrote:
"AITA for telling my wife to stop hovering over our living son bc of our deceased one?"
I (39M) have been married to my wife (39) for 13 years. We had two children together (Sean who would’ve been 19) and Marcus who is 14. Almost 3 years ago, we allowed Sean to go on a camping trip with some friends, during this, He was injured pretty badly by jumping into water that was not meant to be messed around in. We lost him after a few days.
My wife and I blamed ourselves, but specifically my wife. Since this Marcus has been in arm's reach of my wife 24/7. He rarely goes out with friends, he’s rarely unsupervised, which is just not good for a 14-year-old boy. Marcus finally argued back, said he really wanted to go out fishing with his friends and friends dad and didn’t see a reason why he couldn’t go.
My wife shut it down immediately, said absolutely not, and that if he wanted to go out he’d have to wait a day one of us were off work. After Marcus left the room I spoke to my wife and told her maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea him going since his friend's dad would be there. She said no, he just couldn’t and not to “undermine” her.
I told her she needed to start letting Marcus have a life, and she needed to stop hovering over him just because she lost Sean. My wife completely blew up on me, crying, saying she could be as overprotective as she wanted, she was his mother, and I had no right to say that because I am as aware as her that the world is too dangerous.
She then told me not even to mention this idea to Marcus bc it was a big solid no. She’s since seen to be avoiding me and just hiding away in her office. AITA?
People were gentle and honest in the comments.
BigMeatyLabia wrote:
NTA. Your wife needs help. Shes going to f#$k your kid up if this isn't corrected. She might be his Mother but you are his Father. Honestly, I'd tell him he could go and not to worry about any consequences from his Mother. I'd be putting my foot down on this nonsense.
JustheBean wrote:
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, Marcus is not an appropriate or healthy outlet for her grief. He needs to be allowed to live his life. Marcus is grieving his brother too, and he doesn’t need to have that compounded with the loss of the freedoms of his teenage experience.
And of course, you and your wife will always worry about him, but like you said, this was a supervised trip, he would have been safe. It sounds like your wife would really benefit from therapy and/or some kind of grief support group. As you know, you’re never the same after a loss like that, but life can get better.
alien_overlord_1001 wrote:
NTA. If she doesn't let him live his life, she will end up losing both sons anyway as this one won't want to be around her as soon as he is an adult. Has she spoken to anyone about her grief? There are plenty of support groups that don't necessarily cost money - there are sadly a lot of people who have lost a child who share your experience.
Marcus has to have his life too - he should not be punished because his brother did a foolish thing and it cost him his life. The world is dangerous - but it's the only world we have, and he has to live in it. Sheltering him now will only make it more dangerous for him later.
Foxlikebox wrote:
NTA but I do think you could've handled this a bit more gently. Your wife is suffering due to the extremely traumatic loss of her child. I don't think telling her to "stop hovering just because she lost Sean" was a productive or gentle way to go about this.
But yes, your wife does need some serious help to cope with and move on from your devastating loss. Her behavior isn't healthy and is harming your other child.
kindousperson wrote:
NTA - I feel like if possible, you offering to go on the trip as well would put her mind at ease, but what you said was for your son. You were just simply advocating for him to have a normal life.
OP is NTA here, but truly no one is, since it's just a very painful situation.