Unfortunately, the only way to truly get through to some people is to draw a firm and definitive line in the sand. Particularly, if they're an entitled family member who doesn't take your boundaries seriously.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for threatening to keep her aunt from seeing her parent if she doesn't stop criticizing OP. She wrote:
I (45f) am the daughter of a wonderful parent, who, unfortunately, is facing the final chapter. My parent needs full-time care, as they suffer from Alzheimer’s. My aunt recently came to visit her sibling, and had an attitude the entire time she was here. When I finally pressed for an answer to “what’s wrong are you okay?” She went off on me about how my parent shouldn’t have to live in this place.
She told me I am selfish for not having my parent at home with me, and was very critical of the care my parent is getting. The facility is very highly rated. I vetted several recommendations through a social worker before I chose this one. Is it perfect? No. Nothing is. But they are safe, which is the main worry with an Alzheimer’s patient.
Also, my parent is combative. My aunt doesn’t see it, but it is true. My aunt lives across the country and only makes it out here a few times a year. I have a full-time job and two teenagers at home. I cannot care for my parent full-time. I just can’t. I feel bad enough about this without her piling on the guilt trip.
I am the sole power of attorney. I told my aunt I can have her banned if she doesn’t keep her opinions to herself, and of course that only made her even madder. She does not get how hard this is. My grandparents died in a car crash and she never had to deal with this horrible disease and these difficult decisions. So AITA?
“Auntie, I am so glad you recognize how Mom needs better care. It’s so generous of you to offer to be her full-time caretaker. I’ve already gotten the paperwork ready to sign everything over to you and get her moved in, so you’ll just need to let me know what date is good.”
NTA at all, and what's most worrisome is your aunt may be upsetting your parent when she visits, giving her caretakers grief etc. That will do nothing to make your parent's life easier or better. And her comments criticizing you for not caring for your parent at home were disgraceful and uncalled for. You have nothing to apologize to anyone for, your aunt least of all.
I do believe it's relevant that your aunt never had to do this for her parents, but even lack of similar experience in no way makes her callous lack of understanding and empathy excusable. By all means, ban her. Harsh as it is to say this, your parent probably won't realize the difference.
NTA. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is a 24/7 job. In a facility, people care for her in shifts, so they can, you know, sleep, eat, shower, etc. Insisting that one person handle the job of three is incredibly thoughtless and short-sighted. She can armchair quarterback all she wants, but unless she's willing to step up and volunteer as your mother's full-time caretaker, she can hit the road and keep her yap shut.
I have a friend whose mom had Alzheimers and he was constantly worried that she would again turn on the stove and walk away, forgetting it, or go for a walk and wander away, all kinds of things she did. He paid for a nurse while he was working, but that meant he had to go food shopping and leave her alone, and he never could socialize.
She came down with pneumonia and now she's in a nursing home, plays cards with others, socializes, and she's much happier. You can't keep your mom at your home, you have to work and have teenagers to drive to their activities. If your aunt feels so strongly about it, why isn't she volunteering to have your mom there, she's probably retired.
I'm sure this was an extremely difficult decision (like it was for my friend), please don't feel you did the wrong thing, and you are NTA for telling your aunt to stop with the comments.
NTA EVER. I lost my father to that vicious disease. Caring for him in the end took 4 family members almost full time. A home a good home is the best place for your parent. Her head is up her A. Real far.
OP is definitely NTA here, it sounds like her aunt is in denial about the extent of what's going on.