'AITA for trying to invite my daughter to someone’s party and possibly ruining it?'
"AITA for trying to invite my daughter to someone’s party and possibly ruining it?"
My daughter, 9, goes to a small school with 11 girls in her grade. Her class is very tight knit and we all get along well. About a year ago the girls started a book club and meet up at different homes two times per month. My daughter was in it last summer but we had to stop when the school year began. She’s a competitive dancer which requires a lot of time.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. We had a girl in her class over named Sarah. Sarah asked my daughter if she was excited to attend Addy’s, another girl in the class, birthday party. She said it was a swimming party and they’d be playing a movie on an outdoor screen. My daughter hadn’t received an invite. When Sarah’s mom came, Sarah told her how we hadn’t received an invite for Addy’s birthday.
Sarah’s mom said Addy had handed them out at the last book club and had probably just forgot to reach out. She suggested I text Addy’s mom. I was hesitant at first because I do have strong feelings about inviting yourself to things. I couldn’t see a real reason why she wasn’t invited since it was an at-home party and every other girl was.
I texted Addy’s mom and reminded her my daughter hadn’t been at the last book club and if she was also supposed to receive an invite. She responded that they had hired someone to do a spa for the girls during the party and the service had a limit of 10 so they decided to only do the girls in book club. She didn’t expect us to find out.
I responded that I understood but felt it was wrong to not include just one. I told my daughter we can’t expect to be invited every time and this was just a life lesson. Sarah’s mom reached out to ask if I had sorted it out. I sent her a screenshot from the convo. She didn’t respond for a few days but when she did she told me she had decided Sarah wouldn’t attend.
She felt it was wrong to not include just one child and she could see if our kids didn’t get along or had drama but that wasn’t the case. They hired someone knowing just one girl would be left out and she didn’t agree with it. I got a text from Addy’s mom a week later that a total of 4 girls were not attending. She felt I had ruined her daughter's party and was creating drama.
I explained that I had no intentions of ruining her party and had only spoken to one other mom about it. I talked to my own mom about it who agreed I should not have texted Addy’s mom and if they had wanted us we would have been invited. The only mom I talked to about it was Sarah’s which I assume is who told others.
I never meant to cause others to not attend or ruin a child’s party. When I reached out I really felt like it must have been a mistake since she was the only one. Now I’m unsure if I was just a jerk who now cause unnecessary drama in a small group and possibly ruined a child’s party. Was I the AH?
Edit: My daughter does still attend book club once per month to once every other month. She didn’t totally leave. She’s just not a full time member.
The internet wasted no time before jumping on with their full assessment of the situation.
Emergency_Ad_5935 wrote:
NTA. Not unreasonable to think in a group that small everyone would have received an invitation. But some food for thought…
Not invited? Don’t go.
Not told? Don’t ask.
Late invite? Decline, you were never a part of the plan.
ladyatlantica wrote:
NTA. You don't exclude one kid from a party, it's unnecessarily cruel. Have only 6 sure, 10 of 11 no, and they shouldn't be surprised it's had consequences.
BigComfyCouch4 wrote:
NTA. I was ready with my finger on the 'Y', but everything you did was perfectly reasonable. You asked a reasonable question when you found out your daughter was excluded. You didn't argue; you accepted the answer even though it was plainly wrong. Obviously others saw that this is a hair's breadth away from bullying - and it wasn't even the kid doing it!
YTA. If you have your daughter only occasionally showing up for a group activity that meets regularly, you can't expect anyone to take her seriously as a member of the group. This group meets twice a month, she's showing up maybe 1/4 to 1/2 the time.
That's pretty obnoxious. She's not showing up enough to be involved with the ongoing discussion of books, and trying to catch her up on the discussion is going to disrupt it for everyone.
juliemaeve OP responded:
My daughter is with her school friends nearly every weekend during the school year. During summer she takes off from dance and is with different school friends nearly every day. The only reason book club was even mentioned is because that is how the invites were sent out.
She has been to every single birthday party the class has had and is invited to different friends homes on a weekly basis during the school year. In summer we have kids in our home or she’s invited out with friends daily.
Her dance is not limiting her friend time, simply making her unable to attend every book club which is held a random nights and some of those nights she has dance class. Also book club is usually discussing a book for maybe 30 minutes with the rest of the time just hanging out and playing. It’s not a formal event.