'AITA asking pregnant wife for paternity test because she cheated years ago?' UPDATED
"AITAH for asking my wife for a paternity test because she cheated years back?"
Throwaway18384o4
Me(32) and my wife(30) have been married for 8 years now. 3 years ago, she cheated with a friend of hers. And after some time, we managed to reconcile. She found out she was pregnant a few days ago. And while my initial reaction was happiness, soon after, the thought that it could be someone else's crawled into my mind.
The thought "she's done it before" popped into my head. When I asked her to take a test, and explained my reasoning, we had a huge fight. She said that I shouldn't hold that against her after all the work we've done to repair the relationship. I still feel strongly about having a paternity test.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's first, brief post:
PsychologicalBit5422
As a woman I'm going to say NTA. She cheated once. the love may be back but doubt can always be there. Total trust is hard to get back in a relationship. My husband cheated 20ish years ago and though we are both 50ish, I still check his phone every now and then.
Narhwal5
That’s the problem with breaking trust and why it’s so important. Once you do it. You never really get it back.
StrongTxWoman
So true. Relationship is like a mirror. Once it is broken, it can't be unbroken. We can learn not to stare at the crack but it is still there.
CrabbiestAsp
NTA. It's so easy for her to work on it and just move on like it never happened, because that's more suitable for her. You were the one that was hurt, it's not that easy for you. I think your request is reasonable.
jurrurumm
NTA. This is the fallout of infidelity, the wayward partner loses blind trust. Honestly if she's so cut up by this request it would make me question how remorseful she is about the affair given she clearly doesn't comprehend how hard recovering from being cheated on can be and how long it takes to get back to any level or normalcy. Good luck mate.
5 days later the OP returned with a full update.
"Update: AITAH for asking my wife for a paternity test because she cheated?"
Throwaway18384o4
Hello everyone, my last post got a lot of attention, so I figured I should update you all. Some things to clear up:
After my wife cheated we have been in counseling, and it's been a hard road for both of us, but we managed to build something new, so to speak. Also, we weren't actively trying for a baby. We didn't do things such as tracking her ovulation, but we were mostly intimate regularly. It has been like this for the past 6 months.
We both wanted kids, but since she cheated on me that wasn't something we thought we should do for a while, at least not before we reconciled. Also, I tried to be as tactful when I brought up the paternity test, but I think tactfulness can only go so far when essentially accusing your wife of potentially cheating on you.
It went like this:
Me: "Honey, we need to talk about the baby"
Her: "What's wrong?"
Me: "Look, I need some reassurance, I love you, but I just can't shake this thought off my head"
Her: "What thought?"
Me: "I'm worried that it's not mine"
After that, things got louder, and we had a fight.
The Update:
After our fight, I slept in the other room and we didn't really talk for a while. We waved goodbye when we went to work, and had small talk about our days, but didn't really address what we fought about.
She eventually came to me and apologized for her reaction. She says she understands why I asked her for a paternity test. And she got mad because she thought the whole cheating thing was "over" and we wouldn't need to ever bring it up again.
She said she was mad because this made her realize that this is something that will always be a part of our relationship' s history. And it reminded her of how much of an effect this had on me, and how much she hurt me. She told she was mad at herself.
She says she hates the fact she gave me a good reason to ask for it. We simply hugged it out after that. She agreed to take a paternity test. But, after doing quite a bit of research, it seems to be too early for one. But, we'll schedule a doctor visit and see what we can do.
I'll be honest, I think the paternity test is just a formality now. But, I still want it for my own peace of mind. I love my wife, and want us to start building our family. I do thank you all for your responses.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
fish0814
She's right. It will ALWAYS be there. Especially for you.
30 years from now, it will be there.
PrimeTime-33
It's kind of impressive she actually realizes the extent of her betrayal.
Abeenr2
I'm glad communication worked and she saw reason in what you said.
StellaEtoile1
NTA but having intimacy without protection when you think you don’t want a baby sounds an awful lot like you’re subconsciously hoping a “surprise baby “will somehow magically solve your problems. Be aware and best of luck!
WinEquivalent4069
NTA. It took a few days for emotions to calm down but glad she understands and acknowledged why you made this request.