Husband demands paternity test when wife becomes pregnant after sailing trip. UPDATED
"My (32F) husband (34M) is demanding a paternity test and I don't know if we can come back from this."
koko2377
I'm sorry if this is rambling, but I don't even know what to think with this situation. Me (32F) and my husband (34M) have been together for 12 years and married for 6. We have a 2-year-old daughter and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. We have struggled with getting pregnant both times (4 years for our daughter and a year and a half for this pregnancy.)
We know that he does have a lower sperm count than average but there was nothing else that had been noted as a barrier. This time, I had started a position as a social worker in the emergency department and I absolutely love it, but I see things that no one should see and on bad days, I don't want to be intimate (which I think makes sense) and I'm sometimes late from work (never more than 2 hours.)
My husband also left on a boys' vacation for a few days around the time I got pregnant. Something happened on this vacation and his mental health has been horrible since: not sleeping, easily agitated, and everyone else on the trip says that something went wrong but they say that they not really sure what happened.
Now, I get the positive test. I'm so excited! I can't wait to tell him! The day after I tell him, he then accuses me of the baby not being his. I must have cheated instead of being at work late. I must have gone to a sperm bank because I wanted a child so badly. He wants a paternity test. And, oh yeah, he tested our daughter because he now thinks she's not his either.
I have never cheated. Never wanted to. I don't know where this is coming from. I asked what he would do if the test came back that the children were both his, and he said "say I'm sorry and try and make it up to you." He has talked to multiple people about his concerns that I may have cheated and they all tell him that I would never do that. Even his mother is telling him that he's out of line.
I'm going to talk to my doc about the non-invasive blood test because I know that I have nothing to hide. We are also going to start couples therapy in a couple of weeks (he didn't participate last time we tried but I have to at least try.)
But I don't know what to do. He tells me that he still loves me but I don't believe him. Is this it? Is this the end of our relationship? Because I don't know how to come back from this now that I know he doesn't trust me at all. How do I handle this?
The boys were my father, my brother, my uncle, and his cousin. They were out in a sailboat and on the last day of the trip, a hurricane was coming in. He freaked, wanting to go back into port while everyone else wanted to take advantage of the higher winds to get some real sailing in.
He had a full blown panic attack. But my family never stopped him from getting off the boat. He just had to call and someone would have come to get him.
The very next day, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE"
koko2377
I (32F) put up the original post last night and never expected the response I got. Thank you to everyone who took the time to help me work through my own feelings and give advice. Also, thank you to everyone who is telling me that I was being a horrible person towards my husband (34M). I appreciate the reality check.
Now, the update.
My husband found the post. He read though all of your comments, too. When he got home from work this morning, we had a conversation about what's going on in his head recently and he called me out for being insensitive since the sailing trip as well. He told me that I have been withdrawn recently and "not wanting to spend as much time" with him.
He also said that my fertile time was supposed to be while he was on the boat which is why he is so convinced that I may have been with someone else. My fertile time doesn't appear to ever come when it's supposed to, it seems. He also tells me he has not cheated and I believe him.
I am going to talk to my doctor about doing a blood test for paternity as I refuse to do anything invasive. And we start couples therapy soon. We'll see what happens next.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
potatocadoes
Okay I'm genuinely so confused. How was she horrible in any way in the first post? Being accused of cheating is awful and somehow people convinced her she's at fault??
TorpidProfessor
It was the minimizing her families' treatment of him. He was having a panic attack because a hurricane was coming, and they refused to go in cause they were having fun, that's sh!++y.
Mcwhiskers666
The moment she wrote he's a mental health nurse, so much of his behavior made sense. The industry has some incredibly dysfunctional members who entered the profession due to having conditions themselves.
And because they aren't as severe as the patients seen daily, become normalized in their heads. We see it time and time again, and this was a story I can absolutely see happening to someone at work. It makes you concerned about their patients.
cinnamus_
To repeat the top comment on the update post... so she has to trust that he didn't cheat on nothing but his word, but in order for him to believe her, she has to 'prove it' with a test?
Tigress92
This OP needs to want better for herself, and work on her self respect. He's treating her horribly and somehow she managed to think she's the problem, I dread reading whatever replies she got that led her to that conclusion.
She says she's tried to get him to therapy for years, years! That means there is a deep rooted issue that he is unwilling to recognize and work on. OP should run for the hills. This guy didn't even share his concerns, or flat out asked about her possibly cheating, he went straight for demanding a paternity test, that is so fucked up there is not coming back from that.