Man refuses to let fiancée be in the family Christmas card before wedding. AITA?
It's a family affair.
One man asks if he was wrong for not standing up to his mother about letting his fiancée be in the family Christmas photo. His fiancée feels like an outsider and his mom says that she might as well be, until they are married.
'AITA for not pushing my family to include my fiancée in Christmas card photos?'
I (37m) am engaged to my fiancée (31f), planning on getting married at the end of this year. My family takes a Christmas card photo every year, usually around big events like graduations or parties when everyone is together (which isn’t often).
Years ago, my mom instituted a “not until you’re married” policy to including SOs in photos, and applied that rule to my brother when he was dating, and engaged to, his now-wife.
My fiancée has had significant issues with this. Last year, when the family took photos shortly after she and I were engaged, she directed many snide comments to me about how excluded she feels.
This year, she flatly refused to drive with me to a family graduation, saying how hurt and excluded she felt by this policy “since we are getting married this year and the card is coming out the year we are getting married.”
I’ve tried to explain that this isn’t our card, this isn’t our right to tell others who can and can’t be on their card, and we could always have our own card to start our own tradition.
She’s made several comments around how surprised she is that I haven’t stood up for her to my mother, even telling me that she’s discussed the issue with others and they also are surprised that I wouldn’t take a stand with my mother on this.
She also made a point multiple times to say “good, less time to spend on photos with them at the wedding,” implying a tit-for-tat response to this policy.
I don’t really know what to do. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
'My mom instituted a 'not until you’re married' policy.'
'My fiancée has had significant issues with this. Last year, when the family took photos shortly after she and I were engaged, she directed many snide comments to me about how excluded she feels.'
'This year, she flatly refused to drive with me to a family graduation, saying how hurt and excluded she felt by this policy 'since we are getting married this year and the card is coming out the year we are getting married'.'
Your mother is very wise. Your fiancé is a bit of a 'Main Character' isn't she? Wow. And she's already planning retaliation at your wedding?
Dude. You may seriously want to rethink things here. These are red flags, and her behaving like an entitled child is going to cause some serious friction now and later. You are NTA. Your fiancé definitely is and needs serious help.
ETA: Read some of your other posts, OP, your situation is a bit beyond AITA...from what I read, you need to RUN. So many red flags...just, RUN.
ETAA: To those of you defending the fiancé, check OP's post history...it explains the general reaction 'OMG NOOOO! DON'T DO IT!!!'
ETAAA: Relevant comment from below from The-Paradigm-Shift: 'For anyone coming from or in a relationship like this, please check out D.A.R.V.O. This is why you feel crazy and YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. It is a highly used manipulation tactic and once you see it, the lights turn on.'
Mom's rule may be a bit prescient. Exclude fiancee/fiancee gets pissy/son sees fiancee is pissy/wedding is called off/fiancee never becomes 'family'/ rule vindicated.
Mom’s rule is in fact a test. Honestly this is the easiest Mom Test I’ve ever heard of. If this woman can’t suck it up about being included on someone else’s Christmas card for a year or two, God help the man who marries her.
I get the rule when someone is dating but if you’re engaged it does feel a little harsh. My family isn’t exactly super open with other people in our photos either but I think this is pretty rude so soft yta
You are NTA. I get why your mom put this rule in place years ago. The last picture of my kids with my great grandmother has my brother’s ex girlfriend in it and they were about to get engaged.
Your mom didn’t make this rule new for your fiancée so I don’t know why she would be so upset by it. Is she being excluded in other ways?