Man's wife suddenly comes out as polyamorous: 'Why can't I be enough?' UPDATED

"I am staring down what could be the final months of my marriage."

Here's the original post:

I (30M) and my wife (30F) have been in a wonderful relationship for the past 11 years. We are college sweethearts and have been through so much together, from living in multiple cities, to eloping and dealing with our pissed off friends and families together, to seeing each other through the death of loved ones, to getting our first and second cats together.

We lived our second childhoods together, as we liked to call it, and have had the most loving relationship I could ever ask for. Well, earlier this year, that all came crashing down for me. This year, my wife came out to me as polyamorous, and told me that it was just something she was learning about herself. I felt taken aback by it and felt all sorts of insecurities: am I not enough? is this relationship a joke to you?

Why do you need to sleep with other people? Of course, I didn't say any of these things to her, but instead tried to remain calm and discuss the topic with her. She told me that it wasn't something she necessarily had the energy to pursue, but that it was a side of her she was interested in exploring eventually.

That gave me some relief because at least I felt like I had time to process everything with her and learn more about polyamory, and maybe challenge myself to see if I just learned more, then it would be okay.

After she told me, we were talking about polyamory and what that might look like for us every now and then on date nights. I was always uncomfortable talking about it, because in truth, I just want her. I don't want to think about other partners every time I think about her. I want her, and only her.

Why can't I be enough? If she is truly polyamorous and wants other people in her, doesn't that imply that I was never enough? Anyways, I entertained the idea, because well she has always been bisexual, and there was always a part of me that felt "guilty" for "trapping" her in a hetereosexual relationship.

See, I was her first and only, and sometimes I wonder if part of her feels like her queerness never really got to be expressed because of that. So maybe, this could work. And hey, it's not like it's realistic to expect that either of us would ever feel attraction of any kind to someone else. It's just about whether it's acted on or not.

The months pass and we both learn more about polyamory and what that can look like. We like the idea of a mono/poly hierarchical relationship, and I stupidly think yeah, our love is so strong, I'll definitely learn to want this. I'll be the primary partner and I'll always come first. I believe her when she says that, because she's only ever been 100% there for me through thick and thin.

But inside, I'm worried, because if she finds another, won't she stop being there for me 100%? I tell her my fears and she comforts me, telling me that I am the love of her life and that she's not going anywhere: but then again, if she wants to see other people, isn't she going somewhere? I love her so much and want to believe her, but I'm dying inside whenever consensual non-monogamy or polyamory is brought up.

I start reading all the propaganda out there by people in polyamorous relationships. Oh, it's so ethical, monogamist don't even know how to communicate!, most 1:1 marriages fail because we're not evolved for that!, we have so much love to give! I start telling myself all those sweet nothings and denying myself the right to want monogamy.

And the thing is, I believe my wife when she tells me that she would prioritize me. The problem is I don't want that. I don't want someone to just come by and take her away from me, ever. I don't want some dude to call themselves her partner, because I want to be the only one. I have given her all of myself, and she's always given all of herself to me. And I'm here making myself feel selfish for not wanting to share. FML.

Well, this all came to a head one day when she finally came to me with what I didn't want to hear. She developed feelings for someone else, and wanted to tell me about it for transparency. She's always been honest and transparent with me, but man, did this one hit me like a truck.

She assured me that she hasn't acted on it, that person doesn't know, and she doesn't have to take it any further than I am comfortable. But I get a panic attack and start having visions of her leaving me. We talk a lot and she spends a lot of time comforting me, and we agree to see a poly-friendly therapist who can guide us through what we're going through.

We go see the therapist and she points out that we have a wonderful relationship, but our communication had broken down: my wife had agreed that we wouldn't do anything with polyamory this year, and while she hasn't acted on anything, telling me was basically asking me to move things forward.

I eventually break down and confess that I don't want any of this, and that I hadn't been allowing myself to be okay with wanting the beautiful relationship we already have. It's a tough conversation that the therapist guides us through, and eventually we decide to put a formal pause to polyamory talks.

My life had been suffering because of a lot of losses simultaneously: my best friend decided to stop being friends with me because she was jealous of my wife, my workplace laid off my best friends and left only me behind, and my grandmother died. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been gaining weight. I just need my life to be stable for a little bit.

We all eventually agree that it's best that we take a few months to work our communication and to help me move on from a lot of the loss I have been experiencing. She promises that we can go as slow as we need to, and that I can have more time if I want.

She won't act on any feelings, and promises to treat the topic as delicately and sparsely as she can. But she also admits that being poly is something she needs, and she has so much love to give. We'll be monogamous for a few more months while I get my sh!t together, I guess.

The thing is, she has been so wonderful to me and we have had such a beautiful life together. I don't want anyone else but her, and I want her all to myself. I can have her for a few more months, and I'm afraid that when those months pass and it's time to revisit this conversation, I'll be changed and learn to be okay with this.

I'll be okay and watch the world we built together slowly fade, watch her walk away from me as I stop being the only one in her life. The thing is, I already stopped being that to her the moment she figured she was poly. My relationship with her as I know it has already ended, and I'm staring down our final months as a monogamous couple.

I'm trying to hold myself together and be a better husband and partner anyway. If I'm going to be let down in the end, I might as well have the best last months with her as I know it. This could all work out, or it couldn't. Either way, my marriage as I knew it is essentially over.

There's something else there now in its place. I never wanted this, but it's what I get. Part of me prays that if I ever entertain this poly sh!t a few months from now, that she starts dating and realizes that dating sucks and "nevermind I'm not poly, just silly."

But that's just a fantasy. I got a few months left with her. Then, us as we knew it is done. We'll be something else. Maybe it can be better, but I get this nagging feeling that I'll have to learn to let her go already. She has so much love to give, and one day, I won't be the only one. And maybe, it'll be over. I'm broken, but I know this isn't necessarily the end.

This is what top commenters had to say:

user-na-me said:

Man I hate to say this but you should move on sooner than later. If you stay you will hurt more and more and eventually will completely hate the image of her. Her name will be like the taste of lemon to you. Her memories will become a source of ptsd. Save whatever memories you have of her.

You’re 30, you still got your looks, your energy, and a life ahead of you. Don’t use what time you have now to be in a relationship you will hate.

Also yes it’s easy for me to just type this, you have to do the executing. But I can tell you you won’t enjoy the relationship. Personally i like being with someone where 70% of the time I’m happy and content with them. If it goes below that or even 50/50 I can’t. Your relationship has seemed to go down to 50/50 mate

IndependentLion3 said:

Polyamory will only work, if both parties are 110% invested. If/when you eventually give in, you're going to hold a lot of resentment towards your partner. You need to sit down with your partner, and tell them that you don't feel comfortable moving forward with polyamory, and that if they value polyamory, more than your monogamous relationship, then it's best if yourll end things.

Being forced into a polyamorous marriage, will completely wreck your mental health, so rather give them the option of being monogamous and staying married, or continue their polyamorous journey as a divorced/single person, as you want nothing to do with that lifestyle.

And envy_adams98 said:

Dude I mean this with the most love and respect can muster for a stranger on reddit. Try to develop some self respect and lay down your boundaries. She had laid the boundary that this is something she needs, if not now then a few months or years from now. She's taking care of herself, you need to lay down the boundary that you need her, not bits and pieces of her.

UPDATE:

Thank you for all of your comments, advice, and kind words. After reading a lot of what you all had to say, I decided that at the very least, I should be honest with myself by being honest with her about what I want.

I talked to her and reiterated that I only want to be with her and I don't want her to see anyone else, and that any changes to our relationship dynamic has to be discussed and enthusiastically consented to and reaffirmed regularly.

I asked her to confirm with me that we are monogamous right now, and she said yes, and she said that I am her life partner and the one she wants to be with. I apologized to her for not being clear earlier about my discomfort and we decided to hit the reset button on all of this during the pause.

I asked her to cut off ties with that person she has feelings for, and while she was saddened by this, she asked me to trust that she would do it and not bring that person up again. She told me she wants to choose me even if it's painful right now, and she can't promise that she won't resent me over this, but would let me know if that happens.

You all are right: our relationship isn't poly in any form unless we're both in it 100%, because poly relationships require honest communication and consent, not unlike mono relationships.

The point being: your relationship is what you both enthusiastically consent to, and anything less than complete and utter consent is unethical and harmful. We both had a hand in this and are working to be better, to ourselves and to each other.

To be clear, I left out in my original post that she told me that she would be okay with me seeing other people and would be happy for me, but I had told her repeatedly over the last few months that I don't like the idea of seeing anyone else because I have everything I could want and more with her, so why would I look? I love her and I love our relationship:

I want all the good and the bad, and growing together is what gives me the most satisfaction, and I don't care for NRE. I want ORE: old relationship energy--I want to love her more every day, I want to deal with her sh!t because it's her and not anyone else, I want to make joyous memories together....

It pained me every time that she implied or stated that dating other people is okay, and I had to specifically tell her to stop saying I am allowed to date others outside of our therapy sessions because it felt like coercion and she apologized and agreed that she was overly excited and inconsiderate. I told her multiple times and I hope she sticks to her word.

She also admitted to me that sometimes she mourns "all she could have had." I asked her if that meant she would have wanted to swap the life we had for something else: she said no, and meant that she sometimes mourns a different life like a curiosity, but I didn't quite buy that.

She said that she loves the life we had together while simultaneously mourning what could have been, and that mourning is only "sometimes." I told her I never mourn the past, because it's what makes me today, with all the good and the bad.

I told her the life we've lived and continue to live together is the brightest light and strongest pillar in my life, and wishing for anything else feels dishonest and untrue to me. She agreed it was similar for her but she still wonders anyway.

I know that while this isn't a time limit, it still feels like one. I don't know if or when she will come to resent me or our relationship because of a need to see what's out there, or I guess more kindly, explore love in others. An irony is that her sister was dumped by her ex because he "wanted to see what's out there" and we laughed at his stupidity years ago, and I feel like that is happening in slow motion for me.

That being said, I feel at a minimum that I got to put my foot down, both for her and for myself. I am preparing for the worst to come while hoping for the best. I still want us to work out, because what we have is too precious to just toss away. Call me an idiot but I am willing to try, and if her need to love others supersedes her need for me, so be it.

I'll be ready either way. The threat of the end doesn't have to mean daily despair: it can mean a reason to take every day with grace and gratitude, and that's how I'll choose to move forward. Thank you, truly, everyone. I feel the love and support from all of you. Maybe in a few months I'll let you know how it all goes.