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'AITA for announcing my pregnancy in front of friend who just found out she's infertile?' + UPDATE

'AITA for announcing my pregnancy in front of friend who just found out she's infertile?' + UPDATE


"AITA for announcing my pregnancy in front of my infertile friend (she recently found out)?"

Here's the original post:

I (25F) found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks ago. We decided to wait until we told. Our friends are like our family. We share everything with each other, right when they happen so this was not typical behaviour.

2 friends in the group are "Sandra" (28F) and her husband "Sam". Sandra can't biologically have children. They found out about it a month ago (hence why waited to announce the pregnancy). Both of them were sad about it. Sam and I grew up together, so I know how much he wanted kids.

Both my husband and I knew we had to tell our friends. I already had started to show symptoms and I don't want them to feel like I kept this from them. We are very close. All of us have been friends since forever. Most of us have not-so-great family too so we're each other's chosen family. We wanted to share this happy moment with them.

We called everyone over to our house. Everyone already knew something great happened because I always make cookies when I good news. I told them, yeah something great has happened and that I was pregnant! I told them that I found out a month ago (As a response to someone who asked)

"Kelsey"(another friend) told me she was hurt we didn't tell them immediately like she did when she was pregnant. Everyone was happy for us, or so I thought. I felt so much relief after telling them.

Sam gave me a hug and I could see he was happy-sad and I told him that I actually wanted him to be the godfather of our baby. He just kept hugged me and I started crying (out of happiness). I didn't notice until Kelsey's husband pointed out but Sandra was no longer sitting on the couch.

I went to the kitchen to check on her and she was crying. I told her i'm sorry if this was difficult considering her news, and asked her if she needed anything at all. She didn't say anything just went to the living room. I followed her and she just turned around and said "you're a b!tch". I was shocked and I guess said "what" and laughed.

She said I was so insensitive and that I "purposefully got pregnant". She was sobbing and I just didn't know what to do. My friends comforted her while sam and my husband checked on me. Later it was just Sandra, sam, my husband and me because my husband said whatever this was we had to talk about it since we were family.

Sandra said it was a jerk move to announce my pregnancy just 3 weeks after she found out she couldn't have kids and that there was nothing to talk about. She left and Sam stayed back to apologise.

This happened a week ago, no one has heard from Sandra. I can't sleep, I feel so guilty. Everyone insists i'm not the a-hole but they might be biased because who tells a pregnant women they're an a-hole right? So i'm hoping you guys will tell me the truth because if i'm in the wrong I need to apologise.

As she requested, commenters didn't hold back in telling her if she's the a-hole. Here are some of the top comments:

OnceUponARun said:

YTA. The thoughtful thing to do would have been to speak with the two of them privately ahead of time, instead of surprising them in a group setting, especially since you were well aware they were so upset about their diagnosis.

BoredAgain0410 said:

YTA - just to make sure, you knew that Sandra couldn’t have kids? And you still decided to announce pregnancy in front of group of friends that included her. Yeah insensitive as f&^k. You should have told her in private beforehand. Tell her that you’re announcing it X date and you’d understand if she didn’t want to join.

HonestCranberry8485 said:

So let me get this straight - you got all of your friends together and told them "yey I am pregnant", despite knowing that one of them just got the news that they would never have kids. It never crossed your mind to talk to Sandra first? how selfcentered can you be? YTA

suffragette_citizen said:

Soft YTA. If you are as close to Sam and Sandra as you say you are, I think you should have realized that this may be something to share with them privately beforehand so they could either be prepared, or choose not to be there if they weren't sure of their reactions.

They only found out a month ago and its pretty common knowledge that friends and family announcing pregnancies can be very difficult for people facing infertility. I also think, while its somewhat irrational, Sandra may have been triggered by you immediately asking Sam to be godfather.

She will never get to tell him he will be a father and may have felt usurped in that moment. You didn't intend to but you did cause them pain--I think apologizing for not giving them a heads up would be a good way to reach out. If Sandra continues to react with vitriol, then you've done your due diligence and can give her the space she needs to work it out.

And mistake_sendhelp said:

NTA/NAH. Sandra is hurt and still grieving and you just happened to be an unfortunate target for it. A similar thing happened to some ear friends of mine. Two of them got pregnant at the same time, one lost her baby minutes after he was born, the other is still happy and healthy.

In her grief, the mother was angry with her friend for having a happy, healthy child when she couldn't. It's ugly, it's tragic. It's hard, and it's not fair, but you already took her into consideration and cared for her.

If you want, you can say you're sorry you talked about it while she was still grieving and that you didn't talk to her in private where the news might have been less of a shock, But stand firm. You held off because of her already, you cared, and you didn't do this to hurt her.

lilyintx said:

YTA -. You could have easily pre warned her before the party so she could make the decision if she wanted to be there or not. Many women who deal with infertility purposely choose not to go to baby showers/gender reveals etc because it’s too hard for them.

So instead of giving her the choice to make a decision, you forced her to be there and relive her infertility diagnosis.

It's a hung jury, so what do you think??

OP has since shared this brief update:

Sandra is texting me back. I'll call her soon too. I apologised and we're talking it out, things are going better than I hoped. I know the final judgement hasn't been decided but tbh I am TA. I should have waited and i know that now. I was in the wrong. Thanks for the help. I'm glad about how things turned out, you lot helped me write my apology too :)

And then this final, even briefer update:

Things are okay and we're okay. I apologised, she understood. Thanks for all the help :)

You're welcome!!!!

Sources: Reddit
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