'AITA for calling my fiancée selfish for wanting to announce her pregnancy at her cousin's wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA For calling my fiancée selfish for wanting to announce her pregnancy at her cousins wedding?"
My fiancee(29) and I(31M) just found out that we’re pregnant. My fiancée mentioned that she wanted to wait to announce it at her cousin’s wedding which will be taking place on Sunday. Her cousin and her husband has been struggling getting pregnant even with IVF or the tons of others.
Recently they just got some news that their insurance has stopped funding IVF and not to mention the heartbreak of a recent miscarriage on Mothers Day. They almost understandably held off on the wedding.
So when my fiancée brought it up to me, I told her it’s not at all a good idea. This just seemed so wrong, especially it being at their wedding. I asked, if she was gonna at least ask her cousin for permission and she said, no because she wanted it to be a surprise for everyone.
I told her it’s not the time nor the place for that and it would take the spotlight off the couple(in her family there hasn’t been a baby in 3 years so we’d be the first in that time).
Fiancée feels that’s the perfect time because it’s such a joy and it’s not like she can keep it away forever and their problems shouldn’t keep her from telling something so positive, so it's on them if they turn it negative.
I told her that’s not the point, she knows what they’ve been through and she’s being selfish if she actually goes through with that. She cried and claimed I wasn’t being supportive and I shouldn’t be calling my pregnant fiancee selfish.
She doesn’t want me to come with her to the wedding anymore either, feeling as if I would ‘kill the mood’. She hasn’t been talking to me at all.
Also, about my fiancée and her cousins relationship. My fiancée always saw competition in her cousin because her cus would be better at some things than her. (Grades, Dancing, Cosmetics, etc.) since they were kids and she hates that.
Last year they had an argument about it because fiancée felt her cus bragged too much, where as my fiancée also mentioned “there was one thing her cus wasn’t good at” but never said what it was. So in shorter terms the relationship is in between good and bad, but her cus wanted to invite her to the wedding, I’m guessing to rekindle that.
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
NTA. Your fiancé has a bad case of main character syndrome.
To the point of actually being unimaginably cruel. OP, this is pretty concerning.
If I was OP I would highly consider warning the cousin but that could definitely cause marriage problems. Or spoiling the surprise ahead of time so she couldn’t do it on the wedding day. NTA.
I came to say EXACTLY THIS. And honestly OP, i know she's pregnant but you really should think long and hard about marrying a woman who would do this. I'm sorry to say this but only narcissistic people would pull this nonsense at someone's wedding, much less one where the bride had a recent miscarriage.
There are four things you NEVER EVER do at a wedding without express approval from bride and groom: wear white, propose, come out, or announce a pregnancy. Your fiance wants to take the limelight away from her cousin and that is awful. Good luck NTA AND Do not let her ruin that wedding.
NTA. Hijacking someone's event to make your own announcement is extremely rude and selfish. Add on that the couple is having trouble getting pregnant themselves - it's that x10.
NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this person? She seems to have zero self awareness, and when you didn't leap to three cheers for her stupid idea, she doesn't want you there because you'll kill the mood? She definitely loves herself above everyone else including you.
It seemed like this would be the end of the story, but a month later, the OP returned with an update:
"UPDATE: AITA For calling my fiancé selfish for wanting to announce her pregnancy at her cousins wedding?"
Sorry for the long wait as I have been going through some things (me and my fiancée breaking up, work, death of my grandfather, etc)
So I didn’t expect to get a bunch of replies to my post. But a lot of them were helpful, my ex was determined to go to the wedding, despite my protests and even planned out how she was going to be refusing alcohol when offered.
I did tell my ex’s parents about what she was planning on doing. I didn’t want to tell the groom or bride because I wouldn’t know how to put it in words that would make the whole situation any less awful. Ex’s parents did end up telling the bride's parents and then they told the bride.
The bride was so upset that she, unfortunately, called off the wedding. Everyone wanted her to continue it and invite my ex for a couple of plans guests thought of (ex: when my ex announced it everyone would just stay nonchalant and not give her the excited reaction she was hoping for, and the classic just don't invite her plan.
The bride understandably wanted to be left alone and she just texted my fiancee a very long paragraph telling her what a horrible person she was. She decided not to do the wedding anymore, and her fiancé was very heartbroken, but all in all, they were both grateful to me.
My ex instantly knew that I was ‘the cause’ of all of this and she was furious at me, even more, because I posted about it here, but also said a pretty sick thing about how she still pretty much ‘won’ anyway. I just decided to break up with her myself after that.
Some of her family members are kinda upset with me, as they believed I just caused a bunch of drama. Now I'm currently in the works of talking to an attorney as my ex told me I will not be seeing the baby after they're born.
So all that on top of grief, working, breakup, being called a ‘mess starter’ by some of her family, and still feeling like s#*t because either way the bride and groom were heartbroken. It's just putting a bunch of anxiety and stress on me lol.
Anyway here is the long-awaited update. Any questions, I’ll answer.
So they were pretty much already contemplating canceling the wedding. Family members did stress her out over her miscarriage and canceling. Her fiance's family were excessive about telling her she couldn't carry a baby to full term like a real woman.
Not to mention her own family went around spreading her miscarriage like wildfire which is how my ex and I found out.
They told it to co-workers even. It's not the first time my ex has also interrupted her cousin's big events (ex: when turning 17, my ex cake-smashed her, which wasn't fun for her cousin) their first pregnancy announcement(which was the miscarriage) was ruined because my ex blurted the news out.
This is what I was told when asking her fiance. So she's been at a breaking point for a while. She was considering still continuing the wedding but wanted to be left alone. They didn't call off the wedding permanently, just until the bride has cooled herself down.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
I’m concerned about this baby. The timing of it almost makes it seem like your ex got pregnant just to show up her cousin. I’m glad you’re getting a lawyer early.
OMG, op, you did the right thing, which very often is also the hard thing. It's not very comforting, but it's something. it's really unfortunate that you didn't find out about your ex before you tied yourself to her with a child because she is not going to make it easy. Keep doing the right thing, and good luck with the forthcoming munchkin, they're amazing at refocusing your priorities.
How sad for her cousin, I hate that she let your horrible ex ruin what should have been a special day. Honestly, the fact that your ex says she “won anyway” shows that it was never actually about wanting to announce the pregnancy, just about hurting her cousin for some reason.
Don’t back down fighting for your rights to your child, I’m very concerned about a person like that having sole custody over a living breathing human being.
NTA. You did the honorable thing. Hold your head up and ignore/block the complainers. I hope you can get a lawyer to pursue custody rights and win 50% custody.
I'd say you dodged a bullet but you still have to figure out to co-parent with her for the next 18+ years.
You did the right thing, and it also showed you a really ugly side of your fiancee, one that you determined you can't live with any further. I feel terrible for her cousin, but if your ex had gone through with the plan, it would have devastated what was supposed to be one of her happiest memories.
As for your wife's family, they are right that you caused some drama, but doing so prevented even greater drama - in some ways you fell on your own sword. To the extent that makes you an AH (very little, IMO) it was 100% justifiable. Sounds like her parents understand your actions, and that is most important as they are your child's grandparents.
Get that lawyer, fight like hell for your kid, and if you have any inkling of doubt, make sure it's your kid first.